To Miss FANNY CATHERINE AUSTEN
MY Dear Neice
As I am prevented by the great distance between Rowling andSteventon from superintending your Education myself, the care ofwhich will probably on that account devolve on your Father andMother, I think it is my particular Duty to Prevent your feelingas much as possible the want of my personal instructions, byaddressing to you on paper my Opinions and Admonitions on theconduct of Young Women, which you will find expressed in thefollowing pages.--
I am my dear Neice
Your affectionate Aunt
The Author.
THE FEMALE PHILOSOPHER
A LETTER
My Dear Louisa
Your friend Mr Millar called upon us yesterday in his way toBath, whither he is going for his health; two of his daughterswere with him, but the eldest and the three Boys are with theirMother in Sussex. Though you have often told me that Miss Millarwas remarkably handsome, you never mentioned anything of herSisters' beauty; yet they are certainly extremely pretty. I'llgive you their description.--Julia is eighteen; with acountenance in which Modesty, Sense and Dignity are happilyblended, she has a form which at once presents you with Grace,Elegance and Symmetry. Charlotte who is just sixteen is shorterthan her Sister, and though her figure cannot boast the easydignity of Julia's, yet it has a pleasing plumpness which is in adifferent way as estimable. She is fair and her face isexpressive sometimes of softness the most bewitching, and atothers of Vivacity the most striking. She appears to haveinfinite Wit and a good humour unalterable; her conversationduring the half hour they set with us, was replete with humouroussallies, Bonmots and repartees; while the sensible, the amiableJulia uttered sentiments of Morality worthy of a heart like herown. Mr Millar appeared to answer the character I had alwaysreceived of him. My Father met him with that look of Love, thatsocial Shake, and cordial kiss which marked his gladness atbeholding an old and valued freind from whom thro' variouscircumstances he had been separated nearly twenty years. MrMillar observed (and very justly too) that many events hadbefallen each during that interval of time, which gave occasionto the lovely Julia for making most sensible reflections on themany changes in their situation which so long a period hadoccasioned, on the advantages of some, and the disadvantages ofothers. From this subject she made a short digression to theinstability of human pleasures and the uncertainty of theirduration, which led her to observe that all earthly Joys must beimperfect. She was proceeding to illustrate this doctrine byexamples from the Lives of great Men when the Carriage came tothe Door and the amiable Moralist with her Father and Sister wasobliged to depart; but not without a promise of spending five orsix months with us on their return. We of course mentioned you,and I assure you that ample Justice was done to your Merits byall. "Louisa Clarke (said I) is in general a very pleasant Girl,yet sometimes her good humour is clouded by Peevishness, Envy andSpite. She neither wants Understanding or is without somepretensions to Beauty, but these are so very trifling, that thevalue she sets on her personal charms, and the adoration sheexpects them to be offered are at once a striking example of hervanity, her pride, and her folly." So said I, and to my opinioneveryone added weight by the concurrence of their own.
Your affectionate
Arabella Smythe.
THE FIRST ACT OF A COMEDY
CHARACTERS
Popgun Maria
Charles Pistolletta
Postilion Hostess
Chorus of ploughboys Cook
and and
Strephon Chloe
SCENE--AN INN
ENTER Hostess, Charles, Maria, and Cook.
Hostess to Maria) If the gentry in the Lion should want beds,shew them number 9.
Maria) Yes Mistress.-- EXIT Maria
Hostess to Cook) If their Honours in the Moon ask for the bill offare, give it them.
Cook) I wull, I wull. EXIT Cook.
Hostess to Charles) If their Ladyships in the Sun ring theirBell--answerit.
Charles) Yes Madam. EXEUNT Severally.
SCENE CHANGES TO THE MOON, and discovers Popgun and Pistoletta.
Pistoletta) Pray papa how far is it to London?
Popgun) My Girl, my Darling, my favourite of all my Children, whoart the picture of thy poor Mother who died two months ago, withwhom I am going to Town to marry to Strephon, and to whom I meanto bequeath my whole Estate, it wants seven Miles.
SCENE CHANGES TO THE SUN--
ENTER Chloe and a chorus of ploughboys.
Chloe) Where am I? At Hounslow.--Where go I? To London--. Whatto do? To be married--. Unto whom? Unto Strephon. Who is he?A Youth. Then I will sing a song.
SONG
I go to TownAnd when I come down,I shall be married to Streephon* [*Note the two e's]And that to me will be fun.Chorus) Be fun, be fun, be fun,And that to me will be fun.
ENTER Cook--Cook) Here is the bill of fare.
Chloe reads) 2 Ducks, a leg of beef, a stinking partridge, and atart.--I will have the leg of beef and the partridge. EXIT Cook.And now I will sing another song.
SONG--
I am going to have my dinner,After which I shan't be thinner,I wish I had here StrephonFor he would carve the partridge if it shouldbe a tough one.Chorus)Tough one, tough one, tough oneFor he would carve the partridge if itShould be a tough one.EXIT Chloe and Chorus.--
SCENE CHANGES TO THE INSIDE OF THE LION.
Enter Strephon and Postilion.Streph:) You drove me from Staines to this place, from whence Imean to go to Town to marry Chloe. How much is your due?
Post:) Eighteen pence.Streph:) Alas, my freind, I have but a bad guinea with which Imean to support myself in Town. But I will pawn to you anundirected Letter that I received from Chloe.
Post:) Sir, I accept your offer.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.
A LETTER from a YOUNG LADY, whose feelings being too strong forher Judgement led her into the commission of Errors which herHeart disapproved.
Many have been the cares and vicissitudes of my past life, mybeloved Ellinor, and the only consolation I feel for theirbitterness is that on a close examination of my conduct, I amconvinced that I have strictly deserved them. I murdered myfather at a very early period of my Life, I have since murderedmy Mother, and I am now going to murder my Sister. I havechanged my religion so often that at present I have not an ideaof any left. I have been a perjured witness in every public tryalfor these last twelve years; and I have forged my own Will. Inshort there is scarcely a crime that I have not committed--But Iam now going to reform. Colonel Martin of the Horse guards haspaid his Addresses to me, and we are to be married in a few days.As there is something singular in our Courtship, I will give youan account of it. Colonel Martin is the second son of the lateSir John Martin who died immensely rich, but bequeathing only onehundred thousand pound apeice to his three younger Children, leftthe bulk of his fortune, about eight Million to the present SirThomas. Upon his small pittance the Colonel lived tolerablycontented for nearly four months when he took it into his head todetermine on getting the whole of his eldest Brother's Estate. Anew will was forged and the Colonel produced it in Court--butnobody would swear to it's being the right will except himself,and he had sworn so much that Nobody beleived him. At that momentI happened to be passing by the door of the Court, and wasbeckoned in by the Judge who told the Colonel that I was a Ladyready to witness anything for the cause of Justice, and advisedhim to apply to me. In short the Affair was soon adjusted. TheColonel and I swore to its' being the right will, and Sir Thomashas been obliged to resign all his illgotten wealth. The Colonelin gratitude waited on me the next day with an offer of his hand--. I am now going to murder my Sister.
Yours Ever,
Anna Parker.
A TOUR THROUGH WALES--
in a LETTER from a YOUNG LADY--
My Dear Clara
I have been so long on the ramble that I have not till now had itin my power to thank you for your Letter--. We left our dear homeon last Monday month; and proceeded on our tour through Wales,which is a principality contiguous to England and gives the titleto the Prince of Wales. We travelled on horseback by preference.My Mother rode upon our little poney and Fanny and I walked byher side or rather ran, for my Mother is so fond of riding fastthat she galloped all the way. You may be sure that we were in afine perspiration when we came to our place of resting. Fanny hastaken a great many Drawings of the Country, which are verybeautiful, tho' perhaps not such exact resemblances as might bewished, from their being taken as she ran along. It wouldastonish you to see all the Shoes we wore out in our Tour. Wedetermined to take a good Stock with us and therefore each took apair of our own besides those we set off in. However we wereobliged to have them both capped and heelpeiced at Carmarthen,and at last when they were quite gone, Mama was so kind as tolend us a pair of blue Sattin Slippers, of which we each took oneand hopped home from Hereford delightfully---
I am your ever affectionate
Elizabeth Johnson.
A TALE.
A Gentleman whose family name I shall conceal, bought a smallCottage in Pembrokeshire about two years ago. This daring Actionwas suggested to him by his elder Brother who promised to furnishtwo rooms and a Closet for him, provided he would take a smallhouse near the borders of an extensive Forest, and about threeMiles from the Sea. Wilhelminus gladly accepted the offer andcontinued for some time searching after such a retreat when hewas one morning agreably releived from his suspence by readingthis advertisement in a Newspaper.
TO BE LETT
A Neat Cottage on the borders of an extensive forest and aboutthree Miles from the Sea. It is ready furnished except two roomsand a Closet.
The delighted Wilhelminus posted away immediately to his brother,and shewed him the advertisement. Robertus congratulated him andsent him in his Carriage to take possession of the Cottage.After travelling for three days and six nights without stopping,they arrived at the Forest and following a track which led byit's side down a steep Hill over which ten Rivulets meandered,they reached the Cottage in half an hour. Wilhelminus alighted,and after knocking for some time without receiving any answer orhearing any one stir within, he opened the door which wasfastened only by a wooden latch and entered a small room, whichhe immediately perceived to be one of the two that wereunfurnished--From thence he proceeded into a Closet equallybare. A pair of stairs that went out of it led him into a roomabove, no less destitute, and these apartments he found composedthe whole of the House. He was by no means displeased with thisdiscovery, as he had the comfort of reflecting that he should notbe obliged to lay out anything on furniture himself--. Hereturned immediately to his Brother, who took him the next day toevery Shop in Town, and bought what ever was requisite to furnishthe two rooms and the Closet, In a few days everything wascompleted, and Wilhelminus returned to take possession of hisCottage. Robertus accompanied him, with his Lady the amiableCecilia and her two lovely Sisters Arabella and Marina to whomWilhelminus was tenderly attached, and a large number ofAttendants.--An ordinary Genius might probably have beenembarrassed, in endeavouring to accomodate so large a party, butWilhelminus with admirable presence of mind gave orders for theimmediate erection of two noble Tents in an open spot in theForest adjoining to the house. Their Construction was bothsimple and elegant--A couple of old blankets, each supported byfour sticks, gave a striking proof of that taste for architectureand that happy ease in overcoming difficulties which were some ofWilhelminus's most striking Virtues.
THE END.
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