O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thyhandmaid: Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Theethe sacrifice of Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, letall my bones say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, andanswer Thou me, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I,and what am I? What evil have not been either my deeds, or if not mydeeds, my words, or if not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, aregood and merciful, and Thy right hand had respect unto the depth of mydeath, and from the bottom of my heart emptied that abyss ofcorruption. And this Thy whole gift was, to nill what I willed, and towill what Thou willedst. But where through all those years, and out ofwhat low and deep recess was my free-will called forth in a moment,whereby to submit my neck to Thy easy yoke, and my shoulders untoThy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my Helper and my Redeemer? How sweetdid it at once become to me, to want the sweetnesses of those toys!and what I feared to be parted from, was now a joy to part with. ForThou didst cast them forth from me, Thou true and highest sweetness.Thou castest them forth, and for them enteredst in Thyself, sweeterthan all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood; brighter than alllight, but more hidden than all depths, higher than all honour, butnot to the high in their own conceits. Now was my soul free from thebiting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering in filth, andscratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue spake freelyto Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my health, the Lord my God.
And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently towithdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour:that the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lyingdotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth armsfor their madness. And very seasonably, it now wanted but very fewdays unto the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endurethem, then in a regular way to take my leave, and having beenpurchased by Thee, no more to return for sale. Our purpose then wasknown to Thee; but to men, other than our own friends, was it notknown. For we had agreed among ourselves not to let it out abroad toany: although to us, now ascending from the valley of tears, andsinging that song of degrees, Thou hadst given sharp arrows, anddestroying coals against the subtle tongue, which as though advisingfor us, would thwart, and would out of love devour us, as it dothits meat.
Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thywords as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thyservants, whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead,alive, being piled together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindledand burned up that our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down tothe abyss; and they fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts ofsubtle tongues from gainsayers might only inflame us the morefiercely, not extinguish us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sakewhich Thou hast hallowed throughout the earth, this our vow andpurpose might also find some to commend it, it seemed like ostentationnot to wait for the vacation now so near, but to quit beforehand apublic profession, which was before the eyes of all; so that alllooking on this act of mine, and observing how near was the time ofvintage which I wished to anticipate, would talk much of me, as if Ihad desired to appear some great one. And what end had it served me,that people should repute and dispute upon my purpose, and that ourgood should be evil spoken of.
Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer mylungs began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and tobreathe deeply with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to showthat they were injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking;this had troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to laydown that burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover,at least to intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that Imight see how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me;my God, Thou knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had thissecondary, and that no feigned, excuse, which might something moderatethe offence taken by those who, for their sons' sake, wished menever to have the freedom of Thy sons. Full then of such joy, Iendured till that interval of time were run; it may have been sometwenty days, yet they were endured manfully; endured, for thecovetousness which aforetime bore a part of this heavy business, hadleft me, and I remained alone, and had been overwhelmed, had notpatience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy servants, mybrethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart fully seton Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the chair oflies. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most mercifulLord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most horribleand deadly sins, in the holy water?
Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, forthat being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound,he saw that he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet aChristian, his wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, morerigidly than by any other chain, was he let and hindered from thejourney which we had now essayed. For he would not, he said, be aChristian on any other terms than on those he could not. However, heoffered us courteously to remain at his country-house so long as weshould stay there. Thou, O Lord, shalt reward him in theresurrection of the just, seeing Thou hast already given him the lotof the righteous. For although, in our absence, being now at Rome,he was seized with bodily sickness, and therein being made aChristian, and one of the faithful, he departed this life; yet hadstThou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest remembering theexceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable to numberhim among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable sorrow.Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions andconsolations tell us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitestVerecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where from the fever ofthe world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness of ThyParadise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in thatrich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain.
He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For althoughhe also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of thatmost pernicious error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom:yet emerging thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with anySacraments of Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth.Whom, not long after our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism,being also a faithful member of the Church Catholic, and servingThee in perfect chastity and continence amongst his people inAfrica, his whole house having through him first been madeChristian, didst Thou release from the flesh; and now he lives inAbraham's bosom. Whatever that be, which is signified by that bosom,there lives my Nebridius, my sweet friend, and Thy child, O Lord,adopted of a freed man: there he liveth. For what other place is therefor such a soul? There he liveth, whereof he asked much of me, apoor inexperienced man. Now lays he not his ear to my mouth, but hisspiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh as much as he canreceive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst, endlessly happy. Nor do Ithink that he is so inebriated therewith, as to forget me; seeingThou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. So were we then,comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as friendship permitted,that our conversion was of such sort; and exhorting him to becomefaithful, according to his measure, namely, of a married estate; andawaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, being so near, he was allbut doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at length; for long andmany they seemed, for the love I bare to the easeful liberty, that Imight sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow, My heart hath said untoThee, I have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of myRhetoric Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And itwas done. Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst beforerescued my heart. And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with allmine to the villa. What I there did in writing, which was now enlistedin Thy service, though still, in this breathing-time as it were,panting from the school of pride, my books may witness, as well what Idebated with others, as what with myself alone, before Thee: what withNebridius, who was absent, my Epistles bear witness. And when shallI have time to rehearse all Thy great benefits towards us at thattime, especially when hasting on to yet greater mercies? For myremembrance recalls me, and pleasant is it to me, O Lord, to confessto Thee, by what inward goads Thou tamedst me; and how Thou hastevened me, lowering the mountains and hills of my high imaginations,straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways; and howThou also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the name ofThy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he wouldnot at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For ratherwould he have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, whichthe Lord hath now broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of theChurch, the antidote against serpents.
Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read thePsalms of David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, whichallow of no swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice inThy real love, resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, mymother cleaving to us, in female garb with masculine faith, with thetranquillity of age, motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, whataccents did I utter unto Thee in those Psalms, and how was I by themkindled towards Thee, and on fire to rehearse them, if possible,through the whole world, against the pride of mankind! And yet theyare sung through the whole world, nor can any hide himself from Thyheat. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was I angered at theManichees! and again I pitied them, for they knew not thoseSacraments, those medicines, and were mad against the antidote whichmight have recovered them of their madness. How I would they hadthen been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they werethere, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when Iread the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that Psalmwrought upon me: When I called, the God of my righteousness heardme; in tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, andhear my prayer. Would that what I uttered on these words, they couldhear, without my knowing whether they heard, lest they should thinkI spake it for their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speakthe same things, nor in the same way, if I perceived that they heardand saw me; nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as whenI spake by and for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelingsof my soul.
I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicingin Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes andvoice, when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men,how long slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing?For I had loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord,hadst already magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, andsetting Him at Thy right hand, whence from on high He should sendHis promise, the Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had alreadysent Him, but I knew it not; He had sent Him, because He was nowmagnified, rising again from the dead, and ascending into heaven.For till then, the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yetglorified. And the prophet cries out, How long, slow of heart? whydo ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Know this, that the Lordhath magnified His Holy One. He cries out, How long? He cries out,Know this: and I so long, not knowing, loved vanity, and soughtafter leasing: and therefore I heard and trembled, because it wasspoken unto such as I remembered myself to have been. For in thosephantoms which I had held for truths, was there vanity and leasing;and I spake aloud many things earnestly and forcibly, in thebitterness of my remembrance. Which would they had heard, who yet lovevanity and seek after leasing! They would perchance have beentroubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou wouldest hear them whenthey cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh did He diefor us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us.
I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O myGod, who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that Imight not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that itwas not another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, asthey say who are not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrathagainst the day of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy justjudgment. Nor were my good things now without, nor sought with theeyes of flesh in that earthly sun; for they that would have joy fromwithout soon become vain, and waste themselves on the things seenand temporal, and in their famished thoughts do lick their veryshadows. Oh that they were wearied out with their famine, and said,Who will show us good things? And we would say, and they hear, Thelight of Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we are not thatlight which enlighteneth every man, but we are enlightened by Thee;that having been sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee. Ohthat they could see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I wasgrieved that I could not show It them, so long as they brought metheir heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said,Who will show us good things? For there, where I was angry withinmyself in my chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I hadsacrificed, slaying my old man and commencing the purpose of a newlife, putting my trust in Thee,- there hadst Thou begun to growsweet unto me, and hadst put gladness in my heart. And I cried out, asI read this outwardly, finding it inwardly. Nor would I bemultiplied with worldly goods; wasting away time, and wasted bytime; whereas I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence other corn, andwine, and oil.
And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, Oin peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me downand sleep, for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that sayingwhich is written, Death is swallowed up in victory? And Thousurpassingly art the Self-same, Who art not changed; and in Thee isrest which forgetteth all toil, for there is none other with Thee, norare we to seek those many other things, which are not what Thou art:but Thou, Lord, alone hast made me dwell in hope. I read, and kindled;nor found I what to do to those deaf and dead, of whom myself hadbeen, a pestilent person, a bitter and a blind bawler against thosewritings, which are honied with the honey of heaven, and lightsomewith Thine own light: and I was consumed with zeal at the enemies ofthis Scripture.
When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neitherhave I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge,and the wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment mewith pain in my teeth; which when it had come to such height that Icould not speak, it came into my heart to desire all my friendspresent to pray for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. Andthis I wrote on wax, and gave it them to read. Presently so soon aswith humble devotion we had bowed our knees, that pain went away.But what pain? or how went it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, myGod; for from infancy I had never experienced the like. And thepower of Thy Nod was deeply conveyed to me, and rejoicing in faith,I praised Thy Name. And that faith suffered me not to be at ease aboutmy past sins, which were not yet forgiven me by Thy baptism.
The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to providetheir scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that Ihad both made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty ofbreathing and pain in my chest was not equal to the Professorship. Andby letters I signified to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my formererrors and present desires, begging his advice what of ThyScriptures I had best read, to become readier and fitter for receivingso great grace. He recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I believe,because he above the rest is a more clear foreshower of the Gospel andof the calling of the Gentiles. But I, not understanding the firstlesson in him, and imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, tobe resumed when better practised in our Lord's own words.
Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name,we left the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius alsoto be with me born again in Thee, being already clothed with thehumility befitting Thy Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of thebody, so as, with unwonted venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italywith his bare feet. We joined with us the boy Adeodatus, born afterthe flesh, of my sin. Excellently hadst Thou made him. He was notquite fifteen, and in wit surpassed many grave and learned men. Iconfess unto Thee Thy gifts, O Lord my God, Creator of all, andabundantly able to reform our deformities: for I had no part in thatboy, but the sin. For that we brought him up in Thy discipline, it wasThou, none else, had inspired us with it. I confess unto Thee Thygifts. There is a book of ours entitled The Master; it is a dialoguebetween him and me. Thou knowest that all there ascribed to the personconversing with me were his ideas, in his sixteenth year. Muchbesides, and yet more admirable, I found in him. That talent struckawe into me. And who but Thou could be the workmaster of such wonders?Soon didst Thou take his life from the earth: and I now remember himwithout anxiety, fearing nothing for his childhood or youth, or hiswhole self. Him we joined with us, our contemporary in grace, to hebrought up in Thy discipline: and we were baptised, and anxiety forour past life vanished from us. Nor was I sated in those days with thewondrous sweetness of considering the depth of Thy counsels concerningthe salvation of mankind. How did I weep, in Thy Hymns andCanticles, touched to the quick by the voices of Thy sweet-attunedChurch! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the Truth distilled intomy heart, whence the affections of my devotion overflowed, and tearsran down, and happy was I therein.
Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind ofconsolation and exhortation, the brethren zealously joining withharmony of voice and hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, thatJustina, mother to the Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thyservant Ambrose, in favour of her heresy, to which she was seducedby the Arians. The devout people kept watch in the Church, ready todie with their Bishop Thy servant. There my mother Thy handmaid,bearing a chief part of those anxieties and watchings, lived forprayer. We, yet unwarmed by the heat of Thy Spirit, still were stirredup by the sight of the amazed and disquieted city. Then it was firstinstituted that after the manner of the Eastern Churches, Hymns andPsalms should be sung, lest the people should wax faint through thetediousness of sorrow: and from that day to this the custom isretained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy congregations, throughout otherparts of the world following herein.
Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop wherethe bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thouhadst in Thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whenceThou mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of awoman, but an Empress. For when they were discovered and dug up, andwith due honour translated to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only theywho were vexed with unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves)were cured, but a certain man who had for many years been blind, acitizen, and well known to the city, asking and hearing the reasonof the people's confused joy, sprang forth desiring his guide tolead him thither. Led thither, he begged to be allowed to touch withhis handkerchief the bier of Thy saints, whose death is precious inThy sight. Which when he had done, and put to his eyes, they wereforthwith opened. Thence did the fame spread, thence Thy praisesglowed, shone; thence the mind of that enemy, though not turned to thesoundness of believing, was yet turned back from her fury ofpersecuting. Thanks to Thee, O my God. Whence and whither hast Thouthus led my remembrance, that I should confess these things alsounto Thee? which great though they be, I had passed by inforgetfulness. And yet then, when the odour of Thy ointments was sofragrant, did we not run after Thee. Therefore did I more weep amongthe singing of Thy Hymns, formerly sighing after Thee, and at lengthbreathing in Thee, as far as the breath may enter into this ourhouse of grass.
Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, didst joinwith us Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being anofficer of Court, was before us converted to Thee and baptised: andquitting his secular warfare, girded himself to Thine. We weretogether, about to dwell together in our devout purpose. We soughtwhere we might serve Thee most usefully, and were together returningto Africa: whitherward being as far as Ostia, my mother departedthis life. Much I omit, as hastening much. Receive my confessionsand thanksgivings, O my God, for innumerable things whereof I amsilent. But I will not omit whatsoever my soul would bring forthconcerning that Thy handmaid, who brought me forth, both in the flesh,that I might be born to this temporal light, and in heart, that Imight be born to Light eternal. Not her gifts, but Thine in her, wouldI speak of; for neither did she make nor educate herself. Thoucreatedst her; nor did her father and mother know what a one shouldcome from them. And the sceptre of Thy Christ, the discipline of Thineonly Son, in a Christian house, a good member of Thy Church,educated her in Thy fear. Yet for her good discipline was she wontto commend not so much her mother's diligence, as that of a certaindecrepit maid-servant, who had carried her father when a child, aslittle ones used to be carried at the backs of elder girls. Forwhich reason, and for her great age, and excellent conversation, wasshe, in that Christian family, well respected by its heads. Whencealso the charge of her master's daughters was entrusted to her, towhich she gave diligent heed, restraining them earnestly, whennecessary, with a holy severity, and teaching them with a gravediscretion. For, except at those hours wherein they were mosttemporately fed at their parents' table, she would not suffer them,though parched with thirst, to drink even water; preventing an evilcustom, and adding this wholesome advice: "Ye drink water now, becauseyou have not wine in your power; but when you come to be married,and be made mistresses of cellars and cupboards, you will scorn water,but the custom of drinking will abide." By this method of instruction,and the authority she had, she refrained the greediness ofchildhood, and moulded their very thirst to such an excellentmoderation that what they should not, that they would not.
And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon her alove of wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a sobermaiden, was bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshed,holding the vessel under the opening, before she poured the wineinto the flagon, she sipped a little with the tip of her lips; formore her instinctive feelings refused. For this she did, not out ofany desire of drink, but out of the exuberance of youth, whereby itboils over in mirthful freaks, which in youthful spirits are wont tobe kept under by the gravity of their elders. And thus by adding tothat little, daily littles (for whoso despiseth little things shallfall by little and little), she had fallen into such a habit asgreedily to drink off her little cup brim-full almost of wine. Wherewas then that discreet old woman, and that her earnest countermanding?Would aught avail against a secret disease, if Thy healing hand, OLord, watched not over us? Father, mother, and governors absent,Thou present, who createdst, who callest, who also by those set overus, workest something towards the salvation of our souls, what didstThou then, O my God? how didst Thou cure her? how heal her? didst Thounot out of another soul bring forth a hard and a sharp taunt, like alancet out of Thy secret store, and with one touch remove all thatfoul stuff? For a maid-servant with whom she used to go to the cellar,falling to words (as it happens) with her little mistress, whenalone with her, taunted her with this fault, with most bitterinsult, calling her wine-bibber. With which taunt she, stung to thequick, saw the foulness of her fault, and instantly condemned andforsook it. As flattering friends pervert, so reproachful enemiesmostly correct. Yet not what by them Thou doest, but what themselvespurposed, dost Thou repay them. For she in her anger sought to vex heryoung mistress, not to amend her; and did it in private, either forthat the time and place of the quarrel so found them; or lestherself also should have anger, for discovering it thus late. ButThou, Lord, Governor of all in heaven and earth, who turnest to Thypurposes the deepest currents, and the ruled turbulence of the tide oftimes, didst by the very unhealthiness of one soul heal another;lest any, when he observes this, should ascribe it to his own power,even when another, whom he wished to be reformed, is reformedthrough words of his.
Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather byThee to her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she wasof marriageable age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served himas her lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee, preachingThee unto him by her conversation; by which Thou ornamentedst her,making her reverently amiable, and admirable unto her husband. And sheso endured the wronging of her bed as never to have any quarrel withher husband thereon. For she looked for Thy mercy upon him, thatbelieving in Thee, he might be made chaste. But besides this, he wasfervid, as in his affections, so in anger: but she had learnt not toresist an angry husband, not in deed only, but not even in word.Only when he was smoothed and tranquil, and in a temper to receive it,she would give an account of her actions, if haply he hadoverhastily taken offence. In a word, while many matrons, who hadmilder husbands, yet bore even in their faces marks of shame, would infamiliar talk blame their husbands' lives, she would blame theirtongues, giving them, as in jest, earnest advice: "That from thetime they heard the marriage writings read to them, they shouldaccount them as indentures, whereby they were made servants; and so,remembering their condition, ought not to set themselves up againsttheir lords." And when they, knowing what a choleric husband sheendured, marvelled that it had never been heard, nor by any tokenperceived, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or that there hadbeen any domestic difference between them, even for one day, andconfidentially asking the reason, she taught them her practice abovementioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, and returnedthanks; those who observed it not, found no relief, and suffered.
Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servantsincensed against her, she so overcame by observance and perseveringendurance and meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to herson the meddling tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her andher daughter-in-law had been disturbed, asking him to correct them.Then, when in compliance with his mother, and for the well-ordering ofthe family, he had with stripes corrected those discovered, at herwill who had discovered them, she promised the like reward to any who,to please her, should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to her: andnone now venturing, they lived together with a remarkable sweetness ofmutual kindness.
This great gift also thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, uponthat good handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, thatbetween any disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, sheshowed herself such a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides mostbitter things, such as swelling and indigested choler uses to breakout into, when the crudities of enmities are breathed out in sourdiscourses to a present friend against an absent enemy, she neverwould disclose aught of the one unto the other, but what might tend totheir reconcilement. A small good this might appear to me, did I notto my grief know numberless persons, who through some horrible andwide-spreading contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons mutuallyangered things said in anger, but add withal things never spoken,whereas to humane humanity, it ought to seem a light thing not totoment or increase ill will by ill words, unless one study withal bygood words to quench it. Such was she, Thyself, her most inwardInstructor, teaching her in the school of the heart.
Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthlylife, did she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in himas a believer, which before he was a believer she had borne fromhim. She was also the servant of Thy servants; whosoever of themknew her, did in her much praise and honour and love Thee; for thatthrough the witness of the fruits of a holy conversation theyperceived Thy presence in her heart. For she had been the wife ofone man, had requited her parents, had govemed her house piously,was well reported of for good works, had brought up children, so oftentravailing in birth of them, as she saw them swerving from Thee.Lastly, of all of us Thy servants, O Lord (whom on occasion of Thy owngift Thou sufferest to speak), us, who before her sleeping in Theelived united together, having received the grace of Thy baptism, didshe so take care of, as though she had been mother of us all; soserved us, as though she had been child to us all.
The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (whichday Thou well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as Ibelieve, by Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stoodalone, leaning in a certain window, which looked into the garden ofthe house where we now lay, at Ostia; where removed from the din ofmen, we were recruiting from the fatigues of a long journey, for thevoyage. We were discoursing then together, alone, very sweetly; andforgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth untothose things which are before, we were enquiring between ourselvesin the presence of the Truth, which Thou art, of what sort the eternallife of the saints was to be, which eye hath not seen, nor earheard, nor hath it entered into the heart of man. But yet we gaspedwith the mouth of our heart, after those heavenly streams of Thyfountain, the fountain of life, which is with Thee; that being bedewedthence according to our capacity, we might in some sort meditateupon so high a mystery.
And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the veryhighest delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest materiallight, was, in respect of the sweetness of that life, not only notworthy of comparison, but not even of mention; we raising up ourselveswith a more glowing affection towards the "Self-same," did bydegrees pass through all things bodily, even the very heaven whencesun and moon and stars shine upon the earth; yea, we were soaringhigher yet, by inward musing, and discourse, and admiring of Thyworks; and we came to our own minds, and went beyond them, that wemight arrive at that region of never-failing plenty, where Thoufeedest Israel for ever with the food of truth, and where life isthe Wisdom by whom all these things are made, and what have been,and what shall be, and she is not made, but is, as she hath been,and so shall she be ever; yea rather, to "have been," and "hereafterto be," are not in her, but only "to be," seeing she is eternal. Forto "have been," and to "be hereafter," are not eternal. And while wewere discoursing and panting after her, we slightly touched on herwith the whole effort of our heart; and we sighed, and there weleave bound the first fruits of the Spirit; and returned to vocalexpressions of our mouth, where the word spoken has beginning and end.And what is like unto Thy Word, our Lord, who endureth in Himselfwithout becoming old, and maketh all things new?
We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh werehushed, hushed the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed alsothe pole of heaven, yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by notthinking on self surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginaryrevelations, every tongue and every sign, and whatsoever exists onlyin transition, since if any could hear, all these say, We made notourselves, but He made us that abideth for ever- If then havinguttered this, they too should be hushed, having roused only our earsto Him who made them, and He alone speak, not by them but byHimself, that we may hear His Word, not through any tongue of flesh,nor Angel's voice, nor sound of thunder, nor in the dark riddle of asimilitude, but might hear Whom in these things we love, might hearHis Very Self without these (as we two now strained ourselves, andin swift thought touched on that Eternal Wisdom which abideth overall); -could this be continued on, and other visions of kind farunlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and wrap upits beholder amid these inward joys, so that life might be for everlike that one moment of understanding which now we sighed after;were not this, Enter into thy Master's joy? And when shall that be?When we shall all rise again, though we shall not all be changed?
Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, andthese same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when wewere speaking of these things, and this world with all its delightsbecame, as we spake, contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, formine own part I have no further delight in any thing in this life.What I do here any longer, and to what I am here, I know not, now thatmy hopes in this world are accomplished. One thing there was for whichI desired to linger for a while in this life, that I might see theea Catholic Christian before I died. My God hath done this for memore abundantly, that I should now see thee withal, despisingearthly happiness, become His servant: what do I here?"
What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For scarcefive days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and inthat sickness one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a whilewithdrawn from these visible things. We hastened round her; but shewas soon brought back to her senses; and looking on me and mybrother standing by her, said to us enquiringly, "Where was I?" Andthen looking fixedly on us, with grief amazed: "Here," saith she,"shall you bury your mother." I held my peace and refrained weeping;but my brother spake something, wishing for her, as the happier lot,that she might die, not in a strange place, but in her own land.Whereat, she with anxious look, checking him with her eyes, for thathe still savoured such things, and then looking upon me: "Behold,"saith she, "what he saith": and soon after to us both, "Lay," shesaith, "this body any where; let not the care for that any waydisquiet you: this only I request, that you would remember me at theLord's altar, wherever you be." And having delivered this sentiment inwhat words she could, she held her peace, being exercised by hergrowing sickness.
But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillestinto the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits dospring, did rejoice and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I beforeknew, how careful and anxious she had ever been as to her place ofburial, which she had provided and prepared for herself by the body ofher husband. For because they had lived in great harmony together, shealso wished (so little can the human mind embrace things divine) tohave this addition to that happiness, and to have it rememberedamong men, that after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was earthlyof this united pair had been permitted to be united beneath the sameearth. But when this emptiness had through the fulness of Thy goodnessbegun to cease in her heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring whatshe had so disclosed to me; though indeed in that our discourse alsoin the window, when she said, "What do I here any longer?" thereappeared no desire of dying in her own country. I heard afterwardsalso, that when we were now at Ostia, she with a mother'sconfidence, when I was absent, one day discoursed with certain of myfriends about the contempt of this life, and the blessing of death:and when they were amazed at such courage which Thou hadst given toa woman, and asked, "Whether she were not afraid to leave her bodyso far from her own city?" she replied, "Nothing is far to God; norwas it to be feared lest at the end of the world, He should notrecognise whence He were to raise me up." On the ninth day then of hersickness, and the fifty-sixth year of her age, and thethree-and-thirtieth of mine, was that religious and holy soul freedfrom the body.
I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into myheart, which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same time,by the violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry;and woe was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last, theboy Adeodatus burst out into a loud lament; then, checked by us all,held his peace. In like manner also a childish feeling in me, whichwas, through my heart's youthful voice, finding its vent in weeping,was checked and silenced. For we thought it not fitting to solemnisethat funeral with tearful lament, and groanings; for thereby do theyfor the most part express grief for the departed, as though unhappy,or altogether dead; whereas she was neither unhappy in her death,nor altogether dead. Of this we were assured on good grounds, thetestimony of her good conversation and her faith unfeigned.
What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a freshwound wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dearcustom of living together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, inthat her last sickness, mingling her endearments with my acts of duty,she called me "dutiful," and mentioned, with great affection oflove, that she never had heard any harsh or reproachful sounduttered by my mouth against her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us,what comparison is there betwixt that honour that I paid to her, andher slavery for me? Being then forsaken of so great comfort in her, mysoul was wounded, and that life rent asunder as it were, which, ofhers and mine together, had been made but one.
The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up thePsalter, and began to sing, our whole house answering him, thePsalm, I will sing of mercy and judgments to Thee, O Lord. But hearingwhat we were doing, many brethren and religious women came together;and whilst they (whose office it was) made ready for the burial, asthe manner is, I (in a part of the house, where I might properly),together with those who thought not fit to leave me, discoursed uponsomething fitting the time; and by this balm of truth assuaged thattorment, known to Thee, they unknowing and listening intently, andconceiving me to be without all sense of sorrow. But in Thy ears,where none of them heard, I blamed the weakness of my feelings, andrefrained my flood of grief, which gave way a little unto me; butagain came, as with a tide, yet not so as to burst out into tears, norto change of countenance; still I knew what I was keeping down in myheart. And being very much displeased that these human things had suchpower over me, which in the due order and appointment of our naturalcondition must needs come to pass, with a new grief I grieved for mygrief, and was thus worn by a double sorrow.
And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went andreturned without tears. For neither in those prayers which we pouredforth unto Thee, when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her,when now the corpse was by the grave's side, as the manner there is,previous to its being laid therein, did I weep even during thoseprayers; yet was I the whole day in secret heavily sad, and withtroubled mind prayed Thee, as I could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thoudidst not; impressing, I believe, upon my memory by this one instance,how strong is the bond of all habit, even upon a soul, which now feedsupon no deceiving Word. It seemed also good to me to go and bathe,having heard that the bath had its name (balneum) from the GreekBalaneion for that it drives sadness from the mind. And this also Iconfess unto Thy mercy, Father of the fatherless, that I bathed, andwas the same as before I bathed. For the bitterness of sorrow couldnot exude out of my heart. Then I slept, and woke up again, andfound my grief not a little softened; and as I was alone in my bed,I remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou art the
"Maker of all, the Lord, And Ruler of the height, Who, robing day in light, hast poured Soft slumbers o'er the night, That to our limbs the power Of toil may be renew'd, And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower, And sorrows be subdu'd."
And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thyhandmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tendernessand observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and Iwas minded to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalfand in my own. And I gave way to the tears which I beforerestrained, to overflow as much as they desired; reposing my heartupon them; and it found rest in them, for it was in Thy ears, not inthose of man, who would have scornfully interpreted my weeping. Andnow, Lord, in writing I confess it unto Thee. Read it, who will, andinterpret it, how he will: and if he finds sin therein, that I wept mymother for a small portion of an hour (the mother who for the time wasdead to mine eyes, who had for many years wept for me that I mightlive in Thine eyes), let him not deride me; but rather, if he be oneof large charity, let him weep himself for my sins unto Thee, theFather of all the brethren of Thy Christ.
But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seemblameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God,in behalf of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowingfrom a spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul thatdieth in Adam. And although she having been quickened in Christ,even before her release from the flesh, had lived to the praise of Thyname for her faith and conversation; yet dare I not say that from whattime Thou regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from hermouth against Thy Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said,Whosoever shall say unto his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger ofhell fire. And woe be even unto the commendable life of men, if,laying aside mercy, Thou shouldest examine it. But because Thou artnot extreme in enquiring after sins, we confidently hope to findsome place with Thee. But whosoever reckons up his real merits toThee, what reckons he up to Thee but Thine own gifts? O that men wouldknow themselves to be men; and that he that glorieth would glory inthe Lord.
I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, layingaside for a while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee withjoy, do now beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, Ientreat Thee, by the Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree,and now sitting at Thy right hand maketh intercession to Thee forus. I know that she dealt mercifully, and from her heart forgave herdebtors their debts; do Thou also forgive her debts, whatever shemay have contracted in so many years, since the water of salvation.Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I beseech Thee; enter not into judgmentwith her. Let Thy mercy be exalted above Thy justice, since Thywords are true, and Thou hast promised mercy unto the merciful;which Thou gavest them to be, who wilt have mercy on whom Thou wilthave mercy; and wilt have compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion.
And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, OLord, the free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of herdissolution now at hand, took no thought to have her bodysumptuously wound up, or embalmed with spices; nor desired she achoice monument, or to be buried in her own land. These things sheenjoined us not; but desired only to have her name commemorated at ThyAltar, which she had served without intermission of one day: whenceshe knew the holy Sacrifice to be dispensed, by which the hand-writingthat was against us is blotted out; through which the enemy wastriumphed over, who summing up our offences, and seeking what to layto our charge, found nothing in Him, in Whom we conquer. Who shallrestore to Him the innocent blood? Who repay Him the price wherewithHe bought us, and so take us from Him? Unto the Sacrament of which ourransom, Thy handmaid bound her soul by the bond of faith. Let nonesever her from Thy protection: let neither the lion nor the dragoninterpose himself by force or fraud. For she will not answer thatshe owes nothing, lest she be convicted and seized by the craftyaccuser: but she will answer that her sins are forgiven her by Him, toWhom none can repay that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid forus.
May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whomshe had never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruitunto Thee, that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, OLord my God, inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters,whom with voice, and heart, and pen I serve, that so many as shallread these Confessions, may at Thy Altar remember Monnica Thyhandmaid, with Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose bodiesThou broughtest me into this life, how I know not. May they withdevout affection remember my parents in this transitory light, mybrethren under Thee our Father in our Catholic Mother, and myfellow-citizens in that eternal Jerusalem which Thy pilgrim peoplesigheth after from their Exodus, even unto their return thither.That so my mother's last request of me, may through my confessions,more than through my prayers, be, through the prayers of many, moreabundantly fulfilled to her.