A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY--SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND THE
COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES.
The recollection of the intense feelings of that important period of
my life has, in some measure, disturbed the connection of the
narrative, and may possibly have left some little obscurity in the
mind of the reader on the subject of the new sources of happiness
that had broken on my own intelligence. A word here in the way of
elucidation, therefore, may not be misapplied, although it is my
purpose to refer more to my acts, and to the wonderful incidents it
will shortly be my duty to lay before the world, for a just
understanding of my views, than to mere verbal explanations.
Happiness--happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. I aimed at a
life of useful and active benevolence, a deathbed of hope and joy,
and an eternity of fruition. With such an object before me, my
thoughts, from the moment that I witnessed the dying regrets of my
father, had been intensely brooding over the means of attainment.
Surprising as, no doubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I obtained
the clew to this sublime mystery at the late election for the
borough of Householder, and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like
other important discoveries, it is very simple when understood,
being easily rendered intelligible to the dullest capacities, as,
indeed, in equity, ought to be the case with every principle that is
so intimately connected with the well-being of man.
It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the only
legitimate object of all human associations. The ruled concede a
certain portion of their natural rights for the benefits of peace,
security, and order, with the understanding that they are to enjoy
the remainder as their own proper indefeasible estate. It is true
that there exist in different nations some material differences of
opinion on the subject of the quantities to be bestowed and
retained; but these aberrations from a just medium are no more than
so many caprices of the human judgment, and in no manner do they
affect the principle. I found also that all the wisest and best of
the species, or what is much the same thing, the most responsible,
uniformly maintain that he who has the largest stake in society is,
in the nature of things, the most qualified to administer its
affairs. By a stake in society is meant, agreeable to universal
convention, a multiplication of those interests which occupy us in
our daily concerns--or what is vulgarly called property. This
principle works by exciting us to do right through those heavy
investments of our own which would inevitably suffer were we to do
wrong. The proposition is now clear, nor can the premises readily be
mistaken. Happiness is the aim of society; and property, or a vested
interest in that society, is the best pledge of our
disinterestedness and justice, and the best qualification for its
proper control. It follows as a legitimate corollary that a
multiplication of those interests will increase the stake, and
render us more and more worthy of the trust by elevating us as near
as may be to the pure and ethereal condition of the angels. One of
those happy accidents which sometimes make men emperors and kings,
had made me, perhaps, the richest subject of Europe. With this polar
star of theory shining before my eyes, and with practical means so
ample, it would have been clearly my own fault had I not steered my
bark into the right haven. If he who had the heaviest investments
was the most likely to love his fellows, there could be no great
difficulty for one in my situation to take the lead in philanthropy.
It is true that with superficial observers the instance of my own
immediate ancestor might be supposed to form an exception, or rather
an objection, to the theory. So far from this being the case,
however, it proves the very reverse. My father in a great measure
had concentrated all his investments in the national debt! Now,
beyond all cavil, he loved the funds intensely; grew violent when
they were assailed; cried out for bayonets when the mass declaimed
against taxation; eulogized the gallows when there were menaces of
revolt, and in a hundred other ways prove that "where the treasure
is, there will the heart be also." The instance of my father,
therefore, like all exceptions, only went to prove the excellence of
the rule. He had merely fallen into the error of contraction, when
the only safe course was that of expansion. I resolved to expand; to
do that which probably no political economist had ever yet thought
of doing--in short, to carry out the principle of the social stake
in such a way as should cause me to love all things, and
consequently to become worthy of being intrusted with the care of
all things.
On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to my Lord
Pledge. At first I had felt some doubts whether the baronetcy would
or would not aid the system of philanthropy; for by raising me above
a large portion of my kind, it was in so much at least a removal
from philanthropical sympathies; but by the time the patent was
received and the fees were paid, I found that it might fairly be
considered a pecuniary investment, and that it was consequently
brought within the rule I had prescribed for my own government.
The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in making the
purchases that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month was
diligently occupied in this way. As ready money was not wanting, and
I was not very particular on the subject of prices, at the end of
that time I began to have certain incipient sentiments which went to
prove the triumphant success of the experiment. In other words I
owned much, and was beginning to take a lively interest in all I
owned.
I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, and
Wales. This division of real property was meant to equalize my
sentiments justly between the different portions of my native
country. Not satisfied with this, however, I extended the system to
the colonies. I had East India shares, a running ship, Canada land,
a plantation in Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales,
an indigo concern at Bengal, an establishment for the collection of
antiques in the Ionian Isles, and a connection with a shipping house
for the general supply of our various dependencies with beer, bacon,
cheese, broadcloths, and ironmongery. From the British empire my
interests were soon extended into other countries. On the Garonne
and Xeres I bought vineyards. In Germany I took some shares in
different salt and coal mines; the same in South America in the
precious metals; in Russia I dipped deeply into tallow; in
Switzerland I set up an extensive manufactory of watches, and bought
all the horses for a voiturier on a large scale. I had silkworms in
Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath in Lucca, and a
maccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily I sent funds for the
purchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a
general agency in the supply of British articles, such as mustard,
porter, pickles, and corned beef, as well as for the forwarding of
pictures and statues to the lovers of the arts and of VIRTU.
By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of business.
Method, suitable agents, and a resolution to succeed smoothed the
way, however, and I began to look about me and to take breath. By
way of relaxation I now descended into details; and for a few days I
frequented the meetings of those who are called "the Saints," in
order to see if something might be done towards the attainment of my
object through their instrumentality. I cannot say that this
experiment met with all the success I had anticipated. I heard a
great deal of subtle discussion, found that manner was of more
account than matter, and had unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to
my pocket. So near a view of charity had a tendency to expose its
blemishes, as the brilliancy of the sun is known to exhibit defects
on the face of beauty, which escape the eye when seen through the
medium of that artificial light for which they are best adapted; and
I soon contented myself with sending my contributions at proper
intervals, keeping aloof in person. This experiment gave me occasion
to perceive that human virtues, like little candles, shine best in
the dark, and that their radiance is chiefly owing to the atmosphere
of a "naughty world." From speculating I returned to facts.
The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years,
and finding a singular apathy in ray own bosom on this important
subject, I bought five hundred of each sex to stimulate my
sympathies. This led me nearer to the United States of America, a
country that I had endeavored to blot out of my recollection; for
while thus encouraging a love for the species, I had scarcely
thought it necessary to go so far from home. As no rule exists
without an exception, I confess I was a good deal disposed to
believe that a Yankee might very fairly be an omission in an
Englishman's philanthropy. But "in for a penny in for a pound." The
negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I was soon the
owner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In addition to these
purchases I took shares in divers South-Seamen, owned a coral and
pearl fishery of my own, and sent an agent with a proposition to
King Tamamamaah to create a monopoly of sandalwood in our joint
behalf.
The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I had
fulfilled the essential condition of the political economists, the
jurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the "talents and
decency," and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I was
fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to dictate to most of the people
of Christendom; for I had taken a direct interest in their welfares
by making them my own. Twenty times was I about to jump into a post-
chaise, and to gallop down to the rectory in order to lay my newborn
alliance with the species, and all its attendant felicity, at the
feet of Anna, but the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its
sympathy-withering consequences, as often stayed my course. I wrote
to her weekly, however, making her the participator of a portion of
my happiness, though I never had the satisfaction of receiving a
single line in reply.
Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the species, I
now quitted England on a tour of philanthropical inspection. I shall
not weary the reader with an account of my journeys over the beaten
tracks of the continent, but transport him and myself at once to
Paris, in which city I arrived on the 17th of May, Anno Domini
1819. I had seen much, fancied myself improved, and, by constant
dwelling on my system, saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon
saw the celebrated star which defied the duller vision of his uncle
the cardinal. At the same time, as usually happens with those who
direct all their energies to a given point, the opinions originally
formed of certain portions of my theory began to undergo mutations,
as nearer and more practical views pointed out inconsistencies and
exposed defects. As regards Anna in particular, the quiet, gentle,
unobtrusive, and yet distinct picture of womanly loveliness that was
rarely absent from my mind, had for the past twelvemonth haunted me
with a constancy of argument that might have unsettled the Newtonian
scheme of philosophy itself. I already more than questioned whether
the benefit to be derived from the support of one so affectionate
and true would not fully counterbalance the disadvantage of a
concentration of interest, so far as the sex was concerned. This
growing opinion was fast getting to be conviction, when I
encountered on the boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the
rector's, who gave me the best account of the family, adding, after
descanting on the beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that the
dear girl had quite lately actually refused a peer of the realm, who
enjoyed all the acknowledged advantages of youth, riches, birth,
rank, and a good name, and who had selected her from a deep
conviction of her worth, and of her ability to make any sensible man
happy. As to my own power over the heart of Anna I never entertained
a doubt. She had betrayed it in a thousand ways and on a hundred
occasions; nor had I been at all backward in letting her understand
how highly I valued her dear self, although I had never yet screwed
up my resolution so high as distinctly to propose for her hand. But
all my unsettled purposes became concentrated on hearing this
welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt leave of my old
acquaintance, I hurried home and wrote the following letter:
Dear--very dear, nay--dearest ANNA:
"I met your old neighbor--this morning on the boulevards, and during
an interview of an hour we did little else but talk of thee.
Although it has been my most ardent and most predominant wish to
open my heart to the whole species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved
thee alone! Absence, so far from expanding, appears to contract my
affections, too many of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent
virtues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to think
that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient freedom of
thought and action to turn the attention I ought to the rest of the
human race. Thou hast been with me in idea in the four corners of
the earth, by sea and by land, in dangers and in safety, in all
seasons, regions, and situations, and there is no sufficient reason
why those who are ever present in the spirit should be materially
separated. Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to
breathe a wish, and I will throw myself a repentant truant at thy
feet and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will not lose
ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but come
forth again in company to acquire a new and still more powerful hold
on this beautiful creation, of which, by this act, I acknowledge
thee to be the most divine portion.
"Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species',
"Forever,
"JOHN GOLDENCALF.
"TO MISS ETHERINGTON."
If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself when this
letter was written, sealed, and fairly despatched. The die was cast,
and I walked into the air a regenerated and an elastic being! Let
what might happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gentleness would calm my
irritability; her prudence temper my energies; her bland but
enduring affections soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around
me, myself included, and I found a sweet assurance of the wisdom of
the step I had just taken in the expanding sentiment. If such were
my sensations now that every thought centred in Anna, what would
they not become when these personal transports were cooled by habit,
and nature was left to the action of the ordinary impulses! I began
to doubt of the infallibility of that part of my system which had
given me so much pain, and to incline to the new doctrine that by
concentration on particular parts we come most to love the whole. On
examination there was reason to question whether it was not on this
principle even that, as an especial landholder, I attained so great
an interest in my native island; for while I certainly did not own
the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a profound respect for
everything in it that was in any, even the most remote manner,
connected with my own particular possessions.
A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness of this
short but heavenly period became so exciting, so exquisite, that I
was on the point of giving birth to an improvement on my theory (or
rather on the theory of the political economists and constitution-
mongers, for it is in fact theirs and not mine), when the answer of
Anna was received. If anticipation be a state of so much happiness--
happiness being the great pursuit of man--why not invent a purely
probationary condition of society?--why not change its elementary
features from positive to anticipating interests, which would give
more zest to life, and bestow felicity unimpaired by the dross of
realities? I had determined to carry out this principle in practice
by an experiment, and left the hotel to order an agent to advertise,
and to enter into a treaty or two, for some new investments (without
the smallest intention of bringing them to a conclusion), when the
porter delivered me the ardently expected letter. I never knew what
would be the effect of taking a stake in society by anticipation,
therefore; the contents of Anna's missive driving every subject that
was not immediately connected with the dear writer, and with sad
realities, completely out of my head. It is not improbable, however,
that the new theory would have proved to be faulty, for I have often
had occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for instance),
manifest an hostility to the estate, by carrying out the principle
of anticipation, rather than any of that prudent respect for social
consequences to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety.
The letter of Anna was in the following words:
"Good--nay, Dear JOHN:
"Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is the fifth
answer I have commenced, and you will therefore see that I do not
write without reflection. I know thy excellent heart, John, better
than it is known to thyself. It has either led thee to the discovery
of a secret of the last importance to thy fellow-creatures, or it
has led thee cruelly astray. An experiment so noble and so
praiseworthy ought not to be abandoned on account of a few momentary
misgivings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight at
the instant thou art soaring so near the sun! Should we both judge
it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy wife at a future day.
We are still young, and there is no urgency for an immediate union.
In the mean time, I will endeavor to prepare myself to be the
companion of a philanthropist by practising on thy theory, and, by
expanding my own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of
one who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many and
so truly.
"Thine imitator and friend,
"Without change,
"ANNA ETHERINGTON.
"To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart.
"P.S.--You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I
have just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because I found I loved
all his neighbors quite as well as I loved the young peer himself."
Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the shape of so
many demons of jealousy. Anna expanding her affections! Anna taking
any other stake in society than that I made sure she would accept
through me! Anna teaching herself to love more than one, and that
one myself! The thought was madness. I did not believe in the
sincerity of her refusal of Lord M'Dee. I ran for a copy of the
Peerage (for since my own elevation in life I regularly bought both
that work and the Baronetage), and turned to the page that contained
his name. He was a Scottish viscount who had just been created a
baron of the united kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my
own. Here was a rival to excite distrust. By a singular
contradiction in sentiments, the more I dreaded his power to injure
me, the more I undervalued his means. While I fancied Anna was
merely playing with me, and had in secret made up her mind to be a
peeress, I had no doubt that the subject of her choice was both ill-
favored and awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar. While
reading of the great antiquity of his family (which reached
obscurity in the thirteenth century), I set it down as established
that the first of his unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief,
and, at the very moment that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and
retracting her coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he spoke
with an unintelligible border accent, and that he had red hair!
The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed
into the open air for relief. How long or whither I wandered I know
not; but on the morning of the following day I found I was seated in
a guinguette near the base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll
and refreshing myself with sour wine. When a little recovered from
the shock of discovering myself in a situation so novel (for having
no investment in guinguettes, I had not taken sufficient interest in
these popular establishments ever to enter one before), I had
leisure to look about and survey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen
of the laboring classes were drinking on every side, and talking
with a vehemence of gesticulation and a clamor that completely
annihilated thought. This then, thought I, is a scene of popular
happiness. These creatures are excellent fellows, enjoying
themselves on liquor that has not paid the city duty, and perhaps I
may seize upon some point that favors my system among spirits so
frank and clamorous. Doubtless if any one among them is in
possession of any important social secret it will not fail to escape
him here. From meditations of this philosophical character I was
suddenly aroused by a violent blow before me, accompanied with an
exclamation in very tolerable English of the word,
"King!"
On the centre of the board which did the office of a table, and
directly beneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful dimensions,
that in color and protuberances bore a good deal of resemblance to a
freshly unearthed Jerusalem artichoke. Its sinews seemed to be
cracking with tension, and the whole knob was so expressive of
intense pugnacity that my eyes involuntarily sought its owner's
face. I had unconsciously taken my seat directly opposite a man
whose stature was nearly double that of the compact, bustling
sputtering, and sturdy little fellows who were bawling on every side
of us, and whose skinny lips, instead of joining in the noise, were
so firmly compressed as to render the crevice of the mouth no more
strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a man of sixty. His
complexion was naturally fair, but exposure had tanned the skin of
his face to the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those parts
which a painter would be apt to term the "high lights" being
indicated by touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth-proof
brandy. His eyes were small, stern, fiery, and very gray; and just
at the instant they met my admiring look they resembled two stray
coals that by some means had got separated from the body of adjacent
heat in the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped nose, athwart
which the skin was stretched like leather in the process of being
rubbed down on the currier's bench, and his ropy black hair was
carefully smoothed over his temples and brows, in a way to show that
he was abroad on a holiday excursion.
When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me a nod of
friendly recognition, for no better reason that I could discover
than the fact that I did not appear to be a Frenchman. "Did mortal
man ever listen to such fools, captain?" he observed, as if certain
we must think alike on the subject.
"Really I did not attend to what was said; there certainly is much
noise."
"I don't pretend to understand a word of what they are saying
myself; but it SOUNDS like thorough nonsense."
"My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from
nonsense by mere intonation and sound--but it would seem, sir, that
you speak English only."
"Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great traveller, I have been
compelled to look about me, and as a nat'ral consequence I speak a
little of all languages. I do not say that I use the foreign parts
of speech always fundamentally, but then I worry through an idee so
as to make it legible and of use, especially in the way of eating
and drinking. As to French, now, I can say 'don-nez-me some van,'
and 'don-nez-vous some pan,' as well as the best of them; but when
there are a dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with these
here chaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape's Hill and
hold a conversation with the people he will meet with there, as to
pretend to hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For my part,
where there is to be a conversation, I like every one to have his
turn, keeping up the talk, as it might be, watch and watch; but
among these Frenchmen it is pretty much as if their idees had been
caged, and the door being suddenly opened, they fly out in a flock,
just for the pleasure of saying they are at liberty."
I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting being, his
ratiocination being connected by regular links, and that he did not
boost his philosophy on the leaping-staff of impulse, like most of
those who were sputtering, and arguing, and wrangling, with untiring
lungs, in all corners of the guinguette. I frankly proposed,
therefore, that we should quit the place and walk into the road,
where our discourse would be less disturbed, and consequently more
satisfactory. The proposal was well received, and we left the
brawlers, walking by the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the
Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs Elysees.