AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF PHILOSOPHY,
AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY.
The group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals,
two of which were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly
termed man; and the remainder were of the order primates, and of the
class mammalia; or what in common parlance are called monkeys.
The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as being
unwashed, ragged, and carnivorous; in color swarthy; in lineaments
and expression avaricious and shrewd; and in appetites voracious.
The latter were of the common species, of the usual size, and of
approved gravity. There were two of each sex; being very equally
paired as to years and external advantages.
The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the ordinary
attire of our modern European civilization; but peculiar care had
been taken with the toilet of the senior of the two males. This
individual had on the coat of a hussar, a cut that would have given
a particular part of his body a more military contour than comported
with his real character were it not for a red petticoat that was
made shorter than common; less, however, with a view to show a
pretty foot and ankle than to leave the nether limbs at liberty to
go through with certain extravagant efforts which the Savoyards were
unmercifully exacting from his natural agility. He wore a Spanish
hat, decorated with a few bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and
a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he carried in his hand a
small broom.
Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party,
the ill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a series of
experiments in saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question, to
profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive victims of this act of
brutal tyranny submitted with a patience worthy of the profoundest
philosophy, meeting the wishes of their masters with a readiness and
dexterity that was beyond all praise. One swept the earth, another
leaped on the back of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels
again and again without a murmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to
and fro, like a young girl in a quadrille. All this might have
passed without calling for particular remark (since, alas! the
spectacle is only too common), were it not for certain eloquent
appeals that were made to me through the eyes by the individual in
the hussar jacket. His look was rarely averted from my face for a
moment, and in this way a silent communion was soon established
between us. I observed that his gravity was indomitable. Nothing
could elicit a smile or a change of countenance. Obedient to the
whip of his brutal master, he never refused the required leap; for
minutes at a time his legs and petticoat described confused circles
in the air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the earth; but,
the effort ended, he invariably descended to the ground with a quiet
dignity and composure that showed how little the inward monkey
partook of the antics of the outward animal. Drawing my companion a
little aside, I ventured to suggest a few thoughts to him on the
subject.
"Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great injustice in
the treatment of these poor creatures!" I said. "What right have
these two foul-looking blackguards to seize upon beings much more
interesting to the eye and, I dare say, far more intellectual than
themselves, and cause them to throw their legs about in this
extravagant manner, under the penalty of stripes, and without regard
to their feelings or their convenience? I say, sir, the measure
appears to me intolerably oppressive, and it calls for prompt
redress."
"King!"
"King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of the act.
What have these innocent beings done that they should be subjected
to this disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood like ourselves--do
they not approach nearer to our form and, for aught we know to the
contrary, to our reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable
that our nearest imitations, our very cousins, should be thus dealt
by? Are they dogs that they are treated like dogs?"
"Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog on 'arth that can
take such a summerset. Their flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!"
"Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppressive. Place
yourself, Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the situation of one of
these persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket squeezed upon your
brawny shoulders, a petticoat placed over your lower extremities, a
Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a wooden
sword stuck at your side, and a broom put into your hand; and that
these two Savoyards were to menace you with stripes unless you
consented to throw summersets for the amusement of strangers--I only
ask you to make the case your own sir, and then say what course you
would take and what you would do?"
"I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, without
remorse, break the sword and broom over their heads, kick their
sensibilities till they couldn't see, and take my course for
Stunin'tun, where I belong."
"Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are young and
feeble--"
"'Twouldn't alter the case much if two of these Frenchmen were in
their places," put in the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. "To
be plain with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, I'd submit to
no such monkey tricks."
"Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of you. We
call these animals monkeys, it is true; but we do not know what they
call themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you must very well
know--"
"Harkee, Sir John," interrupted the Captain, "I'm no botanist, and
do not pretend to more schooling than a sealer has need of for
finding his way about the 'arth; but as for a man's being an animal,
I just wish to ask you, now, if in your judgment a hog is also an
animal?"
"Beyond a doubt--and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, and
lizards, and water-devils--we are all neither more nor less than
animals."
"Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the
relationship; for in the course of my experience, which is not
small, I have met with men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in
everything but the bristles, the snout, and the tail. I'll never
deny what I've seen with my own eyes, though I suffer for it; and
therefore I admit that, hogs being animals, it is more than likely
that some men must be animals too."
"We call these interesting beings monkeys; but how do we know that
they do not return the compliment, and call us, in their own
particular dialect, something quite as offensive? It would become
our species to manifest a more equitable and philosophical spirit,
and to consider these interesting strangers as an unfortunate family
which has fallen into the hands of brutes, and which is in every way
entitled to our commiseration and our active interference. Hitherto
I have never sufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the animal
world by any investment in quadrupeds; but it is my intention to
write to-morrow to my English agent to purchase a pack of hounds and
a suitable stud of horses; and by way of quickening so laudable a
resolution, I shall forthwith make propositions to the Savoyards for
the speedy emancipation of this family of amiable foreigners. The
slave-trade is an innocent pastime compared to the cruel oppression
that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular, is compelled
to endure."
"King!"
"He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, Captain Poke; a
fact that would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings."
Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a negotiation with the
Savoyards. The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon brought
about a happy understanding between the contracting parties, when
the Savoyards transferred to my hands the strings which confined
their vassals, as the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right
of ownership. Committing the three others to the keeping of Mr.
Poke, I led the individual in the hussar jacket a little on one
side, and raising my hat to show that I was superior to the vulgar
feelings of feudal superiority, I addressed him briefly in the
following words:
"Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these Savoyards
professed to have in your person and services, I seize an early
occasion to inform you that virtually you are now free. As we are
among a people accustomed to see your race in subjection, however,
it may not be prudent to proclaim the nature of the present
transaction, lest there might be some further conspiracies against
your natural rights. We will retire to my hotel forthwith,
therefore, where your future happiness shall be the subject of our
more mature and of our united deliberations."
The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me with
inimitable gravity and self-command until, in the warmth of feeling,
I raised an arm in earnest gesticulation, when, most probably
overcome by the emotions of delight that were naturally awakened in
his bosom by this sudden change in his fortune, he threw three
summersets, or flapjacks, as Captain Poke had quaintly designated
his evolutions, in such rapid succession as to render it for a
moment a matter of doubt whether nature had placed his head or his
heels uppermost.
Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my way directly
to the Rue de Rivoli. We were attended by a constantly increasing
crowd until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and glad was I
to see my charge safely housed, for there were abundant indications
of another design upon their rights in the taunts and ridicule of
the living mass that rolled up as it were upon our heels. On
reaching my own apartments, a courier who had been waiting my
return, and who had just arrived express from England, put a packet
into my hands, stating that it came from my principal English agent.
Hasty orders were given to attend to the comfort and wants of
Captain Poke and the strangers (orders that were in no danger of
being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with the reputed annual
revenue of three millions of francs, had unlimited credit with all
the inhabitants of the hotel); and I hurried into my cabinet and sat
down to the eager perusal of the different communications.
Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still
trifled with my misery; and in revenge I entertained a momentary
resolution of adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to qualify
myself to set up a harem.
The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many of
those who were entrusted with the care of my interests in very
opposite quarters of the world. Half an hour before I had been dying
to open more intimate relations with the interesting strangers; but
my thoughts instantly took a new direction, and I soon found that
the painful sentiments I had entertained touching their welfare and
happiness were quite lost in the newly awakened interests that lay
before me. It is in this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to
which I am a convert effects no small part of its own great
purposes. No sooner does any one interest grow painful by excess
than a new claim arises to divert the thoughts, a new demand is made
on the sensibilities; and by lowering our affections from the
intensity of selfishness to the more bland and equable feeling of
impartiality, forms that just and generous condition of the mind at
which the political economists aim when they dilate on the glories
and advantages of their favorite theory of the social stake.
In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters with
avidity and with the godlike determination to reverence Providence
and to do justice. Fiat justitia ruat coelum!
The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West India
estate. He acquainted me with the fact that all hopes from the
expected crop were destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I
would furnish the means necessary to carry on the affairs of the
plantation until another season might repair the loss. Priding
myself on punctuality as a man of business, before I broke another
seal a letter was written to a banker in London requesting him to
supply the necessary credits, and to notify the agents in the West
Indies of the circumstance. As he was a member of parliament, I
seized the occasion also to press upon him the necessity of
government's introducing some early measure for the protection of
the sugar-growers, a most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects,
and one whose exposures and actual losses called loudly for relief
of this nature. As I closed the letter I could not help dwelling
with complacency on the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted-
-the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of investments.
The second communication was from the manager of an East India
property, that very happily came with its offering to fill the
vacuum left by the failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was
likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and my correspondent stated
that the cost of transportation being so much greater than from the
other colonies, this advantage would be entirely lost unless
government did something to restore the East Indian to his natural
equality. I enclosed this letter in one to my Lord Say and Do, who
was in the ministry, asking him in the most laconic and pointed
terms whether it were possible for the empire to prosper when one
portion of it was left in possession of exclusive advantages, to the
prejudice of all the others? As this question was put with a truly
British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the eyes of his
majesty's ministers; for much was shortly after said, both in the
journals and in parliament, on the necessity of protecting our East
Indian fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice by establishing
the national prosperity on the only firm basis, that of free trade.
The next letter was from the acting partner of a large manufacturing
house to which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order to
enter into a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. The
writer complained heavily of the import duty on the raw material,
made some poignant allusions to the increasing competition on the
continent and in America, and pretty clearly intimated that the lord
of the manor of Householder ought to make himself felt by the
administration in a question of so much magnitude to the nation. On
this hint I spake. I sat down on the spot and wrote a long letter to
my friend Lord Pledge, in which I pointed out to him the danger that
threatened our political economy; that we were imitating the false
theories of the Americans (the countrymen of Captain Poke), that
trade was clearly never so prosperous as when it was the most
successful, that success depended on effort, and effort was the most
efficient when the least encumbered, and in short that as it was
self-evident a man would jump farther without being in foot-irons,
or strike harder without being hand-cuffed, so it was equally
apparent that a merchant would make a better bargain for himself
when he could have things all his own way than when his enterprise
and industry were shackled by the impertinent and selfish
interposition of the interests of others. In conclusion there was an
eloquent description of the demoralizing consequences of smuggling,
and a pungent attack on the tendencies of taxation in general. I
have written and said some good things in my time, as several of my
dependents have sworn to me in a way that even my natural modesty
cannot repudiate; but I shall be excused for the weakness if I now
add that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained some as
clever points as anything I remember in their way; the last
paragraph in particular being positively the neatest and the best
turned moral I ever produced.
Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He
spoke of the difficulty of getting the rents; a difficulty that he
imputed altogether to the low price of corn. He said that it would
soon be necessary to relet certain farms; and he feared that the
unthinking cry against the corn-laws would affect the conditions. It
was incumbent on the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular
tendencies as respected this subject, for any material variation
from the present system would lower the rental of all the grain-
growing counties in England thirty per cent, at least at a blow. He
concluded with a very hard rap at the agrarians, a party that was
just coming a little into notice in Great Britain, and by a very
ingenious turn, in which he completely demonstrated that the
protection of the landlord and the support of the Protestant
religion were indissolubly connected. There was also a vigorous
appeal to the common sense of the subject on the danger to be
apprehended by the people from themselves; which he treated in a way
that, a little more expanded, would have made a delightful homily on
the rights of man.
I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter fully an hour.
Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a fellow as ever
breathed; and I could not but admire the surprising knowledge of men
which shone through every line he had indited. Something must be
done it was clear; and at length I determined to take the bull by
the horns and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the shortest way
of coming at the evil. He was the political sponsor for all the new
notions on the subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and by
laying before him in a strong point of view the fatal consequences
of carrying his system to extremes, I hoped something might yet be
done for the owners of real estate, the bones and sinews of the
land.
I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very
polite and a very statesman-like reply, in which he disclaimed any
intention of meddling improperly with British interests in any way;
that taxation was necessary to our system, and of course every
nation was the best judge of its own means and resources; but that
he merely aimed at the establishment of just and generous
principles, by which nations that had no occasion for British
measures should not unhandsomely resort to them; and that certain
external truths should stand, like so many well-constructed tubs,
each on its own bottom. I must say I was pleased with this attention
from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr. Huskisson, and from
that time I became a convert to most of his opinions.
The next communication that I opened was from the overseer of the
estate in Louisiana, who informed me that the general aspect of
things in that quarter of the world was favorable, but the smallpox
had found its way among the negroes, and the business of the
plantation would immediately require the services of fifteen able-
bodied men, with the usual sprinkling of women and children. He
added that the laws of America prohibited the further importation of
blacks from any country without the limits of the Union, but that
there was a very pretty and profitable internal trade in the
article, and that the supply might be obtained in sufficient season
either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or Maryland. He admitted,
however, that there was some choice between the different stocks of
these several States, and that some discretion might be necessary in
making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas was the most used
to the cotton-field, had less occasion for clothes, and it had been
proved by experiment could be fattened on red herrings; while, on
the other hand, the negro farther north had the highest instinct,
could sometimes reason, and that he had even been known to preach
when he had got as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected, also,
bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well to purchase samples of
lots from all the different stocks in market.
In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the expediency of
getting one or two of the higher castes from the north; I had no
objection to preaching provided they preached work; but I cautioned
the overseer particularly against schismatics. Preaching, in the
abstract, could do no harm; all depending on doctrine.
This advice was given as the result of much earnest observation.
Those European states that had the most obstinately resisted the
introduction of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark were
changing their systems, and were about to act on the principle of
causing "fire to fight fire." They were fast having recourse to
school-books, using no other precaution than the simple expedient of
writing them themselves. By this ingenious invention poison was
converted into food, and truths of all classes were at once put
above the dangers of disputations and heresies.
Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned to the
opening of the sixth seal. The letter was from the efficient trustee
of a company to whose funds I had largely contributed by way of
making an investment in charity. It had struck me, a short time
previously to quitting home, that interests positive as most of
those I had embarked in had a tendency to render the spirit worldly;
and I saw no other check to such an evil than by seeking for some
association with the saints, in order to set up a balance against
the dangerous propensity. A lucky occasion offered through the wants
of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, whose
meritorious efforts were about to cease for the want of the great
charity-power--gold. A draft for five thousand pounds had obtained
me the honor of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron; and,
I know not why!--but it certainly caused me to inquire into the
results with far more interest than I had ever before felt in any
similar institution. Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that
principle in our nature which induces us to look after whatever has
been our own as long as any part of it can be seen.
The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-
labor Society now wrote to state that some of the speculations which
had gone pari passu with the charity had been successful, and that
the shareholders were, by the fundamental provisions of the
association, entitled to a dividend, but--how often that awkward
word stands between the cup and the lip!--BUT that he was of opinion
the establishment of a new factory near a point where the slavers
most resorted, and where gold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had
in the greatest quantities, and consequently at the lowest prices,
would equally benefit trade and philanthropy; that by a judicious
application of our means these two interests might be made to see-
saw very cleverly, as cause and effect, effect and cause; that the
black man would be spared an incalculable amount of misery, the
white man a grievous burden of sin, and the particular agents of so
manifest a good might quite reasonably calculate on making at the
very least forty per cent. per annum on their money besides having
all their souls saved in the bargain. Of course I assented to a
proposition so reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits so
plausible!
The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial house in
Spain in which I had taken some shares, and whose interests had been
temporarily deranged by the throes of the people in their efforts to
obtain redress for real or imaginary wrongs. My correspondent showed
a proper indignation on the occasion, and was not sparing in his
language whenever he was called to speak of popular tumults. "What
do the wretches wish?" he asked with much point--"Our lives as well
as our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact impresses us all
(by us he meant the mercantile interests) with the importance of
strong executives. Where should we have been but for the bayonets of
the king? or what would have become of our altars, our firesides,
and our persons, had it not pleased God to grant us a monarch
indomitable in will, brave in spirit, and quick in action?" I wrote
a proper answer of congratulation and turned to the next epistle,
which was the last of the communications.
The eighth letter was from the acting head of another commercial
house in New York, United States of America, or the country of
Captain Poke, where it would seem the president by a decided
exercise of his authority had drawn upon himself the execrations of
a large portion of the commercial interests of the country; since
the effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate
consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had been to render money
scarce. There is no man so keen in his philippics, so acute in
discovering and so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in his
philosophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as your debtor when
money unexpectedly gets to be scarce. Credit, comfort, bones,
sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on the result; and it is no
wonder that, under so lively impressions, men who have hitherto been
content to jog on in the regular and quiet habits of barter, should
suddenly start up into logicians, politicians, aye, or even into
magicians. Such had been the case with my present correspondent, who
seemed to know and to care as little in general of the polity of his
own country as if he had never been in it, but who now was ready to
split hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not have written
more complacently of the constitution if he had even read it. My
limits will not allow an insertion of the whole letter, but one or
two of its sentences shall be given. "Is it tolerable, my dear sir,"
he went on to say, "that the executive of ANY country, I will not
say merely of our own, should possess, or exercise, even admitting
that he does possess them, such unheard of powers? Our condition is
worse than that of the Mussulmans, who in losing their money usually
lose their heads, and are left in a happy insensibility to their
sufferings: but, alas! there is an end of the much boasted liberty
of America! The executive has swallowed up all the other branches of
the government, and the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our
altars, our firesides, and our persons will shortly be invaded; and
I much fear that my next letter will be received by you long after
all correspondence shall be prohibited, every means of communication
cut off, and we ourselves shall be precluded from writing, by being
chained like beasts of burden to the car of a bloody tyrant." Then
followed as pretty a string of epithets as I remember to have heard
from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billingsgate.
I could not but admire the virtue of the "social-stake system,"
which kept men so sensibly alive to all their rights, let them live
where they would, or under what form of government, which was so
admirably suited to sustain truth and render us just. In reply I
sent back epithet for epithet, echoed all the groans of my
correspondent, and railed as became a man who was connected with a
losing concern.
This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose wearied
with my labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their fruits. It was
now late, but excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for
the night I could not help looking in upon my guests. Captain Poke
had gone to a room in another part of the hotel, but the family of
amiable strangers were fast asleep in the antechamber. They had
supped heartily as I was assured, and were now indulging in a happy
but temporary oblivion--to use an improved expression--of all their
wrongs. Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my own
pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of Mr. Noah Poke, I also
"turned in."