BETTER AND BETTER--A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON--MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS,
DEEPER PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST.
"I gladly quit what I fear some present may have considered the
personal part of my lecture," resumed Dr. Reasono, "to turn to those
portions of the theme that should possess a common interest, awaken
common pride, and excite common felicitations. I now propose to say
a few words on that part of our natural philosophy which is
connected with the planetary system, the monikin location--and, as a
consequence from both, the creation of the world."
"Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these
interesting points, you will grant me leave to inquire en passant,
Dr. Reasono, if your savans receive the Mosaic account of the
creation or not."
"As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no farther.
There would be a manifest inconsistency in our giving an
antagonistic validity to any hostile theory, let it come from Moses
or Aaron; as one of your native good sense and subsequent
cultivation will readily perceive."
"Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction your
philosophers take in this matter, is directly opposed to a very
arbitrary canon in the law of evidence, which dictates the necessity
of repudiating the whole of a witness's testimony, when we repudiate
a part."
"That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. So far
from admitting the soundness of the principle, we hold that no
monikin is ever wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so
long as he remains in the least under the influence of matter; and
we therefore winnow the false from the true, rejecting the former as
worse than useless, while we take the latter as the nutriment of
facts."
"I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting you, venerable
and learned sir; and I entreat you will not waste another moment in
replying to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an
explanation of your planetary system, or of any other little thing
it may suit your convenience to mention. When one listens to a real
philosopher, one is certain to learn something that is either useful
or agreeable, let the subject be what it may."
"By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen," continued Dr. Reasono, "we
divide the great component parts of this earth into land and water.
These two principles we term the primary elements. Human philosophy
has added air and fire to the list; but these we reject either
entirely, or admit them only as secondary elements. That neither air
nor fire is a primary element, may be proved by experiment. Thus,
air can be formed, in the quality of gases, can be rendered pure or
foul; is dependent on evaporation, being no more than ordinary
matter in a state of high rarefaction. Fire has no independent
existence, requires fuel for its support, and is evidently a
property that is derived from the combinations of other principles.
Thus, by putting two or more billets of wood together, by rapid
friction you produce fire. Abstract the air suddenly, and your fire
becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you have the same result.
From these two experiments it is shown that fire has no independent
existence, and therefore is not an element. On the other hand, take
a billet of wood and let it be completely saturated with water; the
wood acquires a new property (as also by the application of fire,
which converts it into ashes and air), for its specific gravity is
increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor more readily,
and yields less readily to the blow of the axe. Place the same
billet under a powerful screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the
billet, and by a sufficient application of force, you will have the
wood, perfectly dry, left beneath the screw, and the vessel will
contain water. Thus is it shown that land (all vegetable matter
being no more than fungi of the earth) is a. primary element, and
that water is also a primary element; while air and fire are not.
"Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity's sake,
suppose the world created. In the beginning, the orb was placed in
vacuum, stationary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of
what is now called its orbit. Its only revolution was the diurnal."
"And the changes of the seasons?"
"Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were equal; there were
no eclipses; the same stars were always visible. This state of the
earth is supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have continued
about a thousand years, during which time the struggle between mind
and matter was solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to have
made his appearance, so far as our documents go to establish the
fact, about the year of the world one thousand and three. About this
period, too, it is supposed that fire was generated by the friction
of the earth's axis, while making the diurnal movement; or, as some
imagine, by the friction of the periphery of the orb, rubbing
against vacuum at the rate of so many miles in a minute. The fire
penetrating the crust, soon got access to the bodies of water that
fill the cavities of the earth. From this time is to be dated the
existence of a new and most important agent in the terrestrial
phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began to appear, as the
earth received warmth from within--"
"Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals existed
previously?"
"By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the weak, until the
most diminutive of the animalcula were reached, when these turned on
their persecutors, and profiting by their insignificance, commenced
devouring the strongest. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon
in the history of man. He who by his energy and force has triumphed
over his equals, is frequently the prey of the insignificant and
vile. You doubtless know that the polar regions even in the original
attitude of the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the sun
obliquely, must have possessed a less genial climate than the parts
of the orb that lie between the arctic and the antarctic circles.
This was a wise provision of Providence to prevent a premature
occupation of those chosen regions, or to cause them to be left
uninhabited, until mind had so far mastered matter, as to have
brought into existence the first monikin."
"May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the appearance of the
first of your species?"
"To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir--but if you mean to ask
in what year of the world this event took place, I should answer,
about the year 4017. It is true that certain of our writers affect
to think that divers men were approaching to the sublimation of the
monikin mind, previously to this period; but the better opinion is,
that these cases were no more than what are termed premonitory.
Thus, Socrates, Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, Diogenes,
and Seneca, were merely so many admonishing types of the future
condition of man, indicating their near approach to the monikin, or
to the final translation."
"And Epicurus--"
"Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that denoted the
retrogression of a large portion of the race towards brutality and
matter. These phenomena are still of daily occurrence."
"Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. Reasono, that
Socrates is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and
rendered logically consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed
perchance into a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros, with tusks, horns,
and hide?"
"You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not believe in
transmigration in the individual at all, but in the transmigration
of classes. Thus, we hold that whenever a given generation of men,
in a peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate, a certain
degree of moral improvement, or mentality, as we term it in the
schools, that there is an admixture of their qualities in masses,
some believe by scores, others think by hundreds, and others again
pretend by thousands; and if it is found, by the analysis that is
regularly instituted by nature, that the proportions are just, the
material is consigned to the monikin birth; if not, it is
repudiated, and either kneaded anew for another human experiment, or
consigned to the vast stores of dormant matter. Thus all
individuality, so far as it is connected with the past, is lost."
"But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most important of
your propositions; while you admit that a want of a change in the
seasons would be a consequence of the perpendicularity of the
earth's axis to the plane of its present orbit, this change in the
seasons is a matter not to be denied. Flesh and blood testify
against you here, no less than reason."
"I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the birth of the
monikinia; since which time a great, salutary, harmonious, and
contemplated alteration has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar
region for the new species, with divers obvious and benevolent
purposes. They were rendered uninhabitable by the obliquity of the
sun's rays; and though matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales,
with an instinct of its antagonistic destination, had frequently
invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the remains of the
first embedded in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of
struggling against destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great
truth in the instance of the others; who, if they did enter the
polar basins as masters of the great deep, either left their bones
there, or returned in the same characters as they went. From the
appearance of animal nature on the earth, down to the period when
the monikin race arose, the regions in question were not only
uninhabited, but virtually uninhabitable. When, however, nature,
always wary, wise, beneficent, and never to be thwarted, had
prepared the way, those phenomena were exhibited that cleared the
road for the new species. I have alluded to the internal struggle
between fire and water, and to their progeny, steam. This new agent
was now required to act. A moment's attention to the manner in which
the next great step in the progress of civilization was made, will
show with what foresight and calculation our common mother had
established her laws. The earth is flattened at the poles, as is
well imagined by some of the human philosophers, in consequence of
its diurnal movement commencing while the ball was still in a state
of fusion, which naturally threw off a portion of the unkneaded
matter towards the periphery. This was not done without the design
of accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was thus accumulated
at the equator, was necessarily abstracted from other parts; and in
this manner the crust of the globe became thinnest at the poles.
When a sufficiency of steam had been generated in the centre of the
ball, a safety-valve was evidently necessary to prevent a total
disruption. As there was no other machinist than nature, she worked
with her own tools, and agreeably to her own established laws. The
thinnest portions of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent a
catastrophe, when the superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in a
right line with the earth's axis, into vacuum. This phenomenon
occurred, as nearly as we have been able to ascertain, about the
year 700 before the Christian era commenced, or some two centuries
previously to the birth of the first monikins."
"And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?"
"Simply that there might be time for the new climate to melt the ice
that had accumulated about the islands and continents of that region
(for it was only at the southern extremity of the earth that the
explosion had taken place), in the course of so many centuries. Two
hundred and seventy years of the active and unremitted agency of
steam sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of which, the
monikin race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole
territory, together with its blessed fruits."
"Am I to understand," asked Captain Poke, with more interest than he
had before manifested in the philosopher's lecture, "that your
folks, when at hum', live to the south'ard of the belt of ice that
we mariners always fall in with somewhere about the parallel of 77
degrees south latitude?"
"Precisely so--alas! that we should, this day, be so far from those
regions of peace, delight, intelligence, and salubrity! But the will
of Providence be done!--doubtless there is a wise motive for our
captivity and sufferings, which may yet lead to the further glory of
the monikin race!"
"Will you have the kindness to proceed with your explanations,
Doctor? If you deny the annual revolution of the earth, in what
manner do you account for the changes of the seasons, and other
astronomical phenomena, such as the eclipses which so frequently
occur?"
"You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted," the
philosopher hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dashing a tear
from his eye. "Prosperity produced some of its usual effects among
the founders of our species. For a few centuries, they went on
multiplying in numbers, elongating and rendering still more
consecutive their cauda, improving in knowledge and the arts, until
some spirits, more audacious than the rest, became restive under the
slow march of events, which led them towards perfection at a rate
ill-suited to their fiery impatience. At this time, the mechanic
arts were at the highest pitch of perfection amongst us--we have
since, in a great measure, abandoned them, as unsuited to, and
unnecessary for, an advanced state of civilization--we wore clothes,
constructed canals, and effected other works that were greatly
esteemed among the species from which we had emigrated. At this
time, also, the whole monikin family lived together as one people,
enjoyed the same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a political
sect arose in the region, under the direction of misguided and hot-
headed leaders, who brought down upon us the just judgment of
Providence, and a multitude of evils that it will require ages to
remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious fanaticism and
philosophical sophisms, to attain its ends. It grew rapidly in power
and numbers; for we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to
observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute
overt acts of treason against the laws of Providence itself. The
first violent demonstration of its madness and folly was, setting up
the doctrine that injustice had been done the monikin race, by
causing the safety-valve of the world to be opened within their
region. Although we were manifestly indebted to this very
circumstance for the benignity of our climate, the value of our
possessions, the general healthfulness of our families-nay, for our
separate existence itself, as an independent species, yet did these
excited and ill-judging wretches absolutely wage war upon the most
benevolent and the most unequivocal friend they had. Specious
promises led to theories, theories to declamations, declamation to
combination, combination to denunciation, and denunciation to open
hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated for two generations,
when the necessary degree of madness having been excited, the
leaders of the party, who by this time had worked themselves through
their hobby, into the general control of the monikin affairs, called
a meeting of all their partisans and passed certain resolutions,
which will never be blotted from the monikin memory, so fatal were
their consequences, so ruinous for a time their effects! They were
conceived in the following terms:--
"'At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikinized of the
monikin race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat (we still used the
human appellations, at that epoch), in the year of the world 3,007,
and of the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called to the chair,
and Ready Quill was named secretary.'"
"'After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all present,
it was unanimously resolved as follows, viz.:'"
"'That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and that it deserves to
be denounced by all patriotic and true monikins.'"
"'That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice in nature,
that she has placed the great safety-valve of the world within the
lawful limits of the monikin territories.'"
"'That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forthwith; and that
it shall be so removed, peaceably if it can, forcibly if it must.'"
"'That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John Jaw, our
present estimable chief magistrate, the incorruptible partisan, the
undaunted friend of his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam,
and the sound, pure, orthodox, and true monikin.''
"'That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of all
monikins.'"
"'That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, holy,
and glorious design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the bones of our
ancestors, and all who have gone before or who may come after us, to
the faithful execution of our intentions.
"'Signed,'"
"'PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.'"
"'READY QUILL, Secretary.'"
"No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead of being
passed at a full meeting, it is now understood they were drawn up
between Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dictation of Mr.
Jaw), than the public mind began seriously to meditate proceeding to
extremities. That perfection in the mechanic arts, which had
hitherto formed our pride and boast, now proved to be our greatest
enemy. It is thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party
meant, in truth, to confine themselves to certain electioneering
effects; but who can stay the torrent, or avert the current of
prejudice! The stream was setting against steam; the whole invention
of the species was put in motion; and in one year from the passage
of the resolutions I have recited, mountains were transported,
endless piles of rocks were thrown into the gulf, arches were
constructed, and the hole of the safety-valve was hermetically
sealed. You will form some idea of the waste of intelligence and
energy on this occasion, when I add that it was found, by actual
observation, that this artificial portion of the earth was thicker,
stronger, and more likely to be durable than the natural. So far did
infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the whole
region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the precise locality
of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, and all the most
zealous of his followers, removed to the spot, where they
established the seat of their government in triumph. All this time
nature rested upon her arms, in the quiet of conscious force. It was
not long, however, before our ancestors began to perceive the
consequences of their act, in the increase of the cold, in the
scarcity of fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice. The
monikin enthusiasm is easily awakened in favor of any plausible
theory, but it invariably yields to physical pressure. No doubt the
human race, better furnished with the material of physical
resistance, does not exhibit so much of this weakness, but--"
"Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. I find so many points
of resemblance between us, that I really begin to think we must have
had the same origin; and if you would only admit that man is of the
secondary formation, and the monikins of the primary, I would accept
the whole of your philosophy without a moment's delay."
"As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and doctrine, I
trust, my dear sir, you will see the utter impossibility of a
Professor in the University of Leaphigh making the concession, even
in this remote part of the world. As I was about to observe, the
people began to betray uneasiness at the increasing and constant
inclemency of the weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to
stimulate their passions by a new development of his principles. His
friends and partisans were all assembled in the great square of the
new capital, and the following resolutions were, to use the language
of a handbill that is still preserved in the archives of the
Leaphigh Historical Society (for it would seem they were printed
before they were passed), 'unanimously, enthusiastically, and
finally adopted,' viz.:
"'Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for steam.'"
"'Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and all
other natural disadvantages.'"
"'Resolved, That we will live forever.'"
"'Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, as the most
effectual means of setting the frost at defiance.'"
"'Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the earth's
crust in the polar regions.'"
"'Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for any
public trust, who will not give a pledge to put out all his fires,
and to dispense with cooking altogether.'"
"'Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of patriotism,
reason, good faith, and firmness.'"
"'Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.'"
"We are told that the last resolution was just carried by
acclamation, when nature arose in her might, and took ample
vengeance for all her wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst
with a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as the thinnest part of
the workmanship, not only Mr. John Jaw, and all his partisans, but
forty thousand square miles of territory. The last that was seen of
them was about thirty seconds after the occurrence of the explosion,
when the whole mass disappeared near the northern horizon, going at
a rate a little surpassing that of a cannon ball which has just left
its gun."
"King!" exclaimed Noah; "that is what we sailors call 'to cut and
run.'"
"Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good
Doctor?"
"Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists assume
that the monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are
their descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost their
reasoning powers, while, at the same time, they show glimmerings of
their origin. This is, in truth, the better opinion of our savans;
and it is usual with us, to distinguish all the human species of
monkeys by the name of 'the lost monikins.' Since my captivity,
chance has thrown me in the way of several of these animals, who
were equally under the control of the cruel Savoyards; and in
conversing with them, in order to inquire into their traditions and
to trace the analogies of language, I have been led to think there
is some foundation for the opinion. Of this, however, hereafter."
"Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles
of territory?"
"Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was
far to the northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in
longitude 2 degrees from Leaphigh, latitude 6 degrees S., and by her
means it was ascertained that divers islands had been already formed
by falling fragments; and, judging by the direction of the main body
when last seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and various
geological proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the
deposit of the remainder."
"And the monikin region, sir--what was the consequence of this
phenomenon to that part of the world?"
"Awful--sublime--various--and durable! The more important, or the
personal consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of
the monikin species were scalded to death. A great many contracted
asthmas and other diseases of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of
the bridges were swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and
large stores of provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appearance
and violent character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among the
unpleasant consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a final and
agreeable melioration of the climate, which regained most of its
ancient character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our
caudtz, by a sudden acquisition of wisdom.
"The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:--
By the suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into
space, finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth
was canted from its perpendicular attitude, and remained fixed, with
its axis having an inclination of 23 degrees 27' to the plane of its
orbit. At the same time the orb began to move in vacuum, and,
restrained by antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called
its annual revolution."
"I can very well understand, friend Reasono," observed Noah, "why
the 'arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well-
ballasted ship would right again when the puff was over; but I
cannot understand how a little steam leaking out at one end of a
craft should set her agoing at the rate we are told this world
travels?"
"If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving
it every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in
its orbit, of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this
escape of the steam has the character of pulsation, being periodical
and regular, nature has ordained that it shall occur but once in the
twenty-four hours, and this at such a time as to render its action
uniform, and its impulsion always in the same direction. The
principle on which the earth receives this impetus, can be easily
illustrated by a familiar experiment. Take, for instance, a double-
barrelled fowling-piece, load both barrels with extra quantities of
powder, introduce a ball and two wads into each barrel, place the
breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the abdomen, and take care to
fire both barrels at once. In this case, the balls will give an
example of the action of the forty thousand square miles of
territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to imitate the
impulsion, or the backward movement of the earth."
"While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set
both parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the 'arth
should not finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he
had got through with hopping, and kicking, and swearing."
"The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not
stop, can also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:--Take
Captain Noah Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and the
power of motion; lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay
three sous, which will gain him admission to the base of the column;
let him ascend to the summit; thence let him leap with all his
energy, in a direction at right angles with the shaft of the column,
into the open air; and it will be found that, though the original
impulsion would not probably impel the body more than ten or twelve
feet, motion would continue until it had reached the earth.
Corollary: hence it is proved that all bodies in which the vis
inertia has been overcome will continue in motion, until they come
in contact with some power capable of stopping them."
"King!--Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 'arth makes its
circuit, as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it
were, always a little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as
a rudder, which causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and
as big crafts take more room than small ones in waring, why, she is
compelled to run so many millions of miles, before, as it were, she
comes up to the wind ag'in? Now, there is reason in such an idee;
whereas, I never could reconcile it to my natur', that these little
bits of stars should keep a craft like the 'arth in her course, with
such a devil of a way on her, as we know in reason she must have, to
run so far in a twelvemonth. Why, the smallest yaw--and, for a
hooker of her keel, a thousand miles wouldn't be a broader yaw than
a hundred feet in a ship--the smallest yaw would send her aboard of
the Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out-
board work such as mortal never before witnessed!"
"We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir;
nor do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own
objection."
"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a
steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up,
and the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash'd
hard aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the
hour, without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time.
Now, all this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir,
any child could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some
fifty or a hundred thousand miles in circumference; and such, it
appears to me, it is much more rational to suppose is the natur' of
the 'arth's traversing, than all this steering small among stars and
attractions."
"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your
suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first
occasion to lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before
the Academy of Leaphigh."
"With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good
liquor, is given to be passed round from one to another, and not to
be gulped in a corner by any particular individle. And now I'm
throwing out hints of this natur' I will just intimate another that
you may add to your next demonstration, by way of what you call a
corollary; which is this--that is to say--if all you tell us about
the bursting of the boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the
'arth the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings
of the French, and the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians,
on this point, are no more than so much smoke."
"And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke," I ventured to observe.
"Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don't well see how
Fulton could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the
Doctor, and most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life."
We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the
navigator's distinctions; and the philosopher's lecture, in its more
didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory
conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions
were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly
answered by the Doctor and his friends.
At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he
loved science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view
to what are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank
expose of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means
for gratifying the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further
details of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other
great social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was
wealthy beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be
an expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino
were good practical geographers, after they were once within the
parallel of 77 degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own
account of himself, had passed half his life in poking about among
the sterile and uninhabited islands of the frozen ocean. What was
there to prevent the most earnest wishes of all present from being
gratified? The captain was out of employment, and no doubt would be
glad to get the command of a good tight sea-boat; the strangers
pined for home, and it was my most ardent wish to increase my stake
in society, by taking a further interest in monikins.
On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to
undertake the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened
strangers to their own firesides and families. The Captain soon
began to discover a little of his Stunin'tun propensity; for the
more I pressed the matter on him, the more readily he found
objections. The several motives he urged for declining the proposal,
may be succinctly given as follows:--
It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see
Stunin'tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors;
it was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less
of one to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead
seals and bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might,
for anything he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and,
for his part, he should like to be buried when he was good for
nothing else. How did he know these monikins might not catch the
men, when they had once fairly got them in their country, and strip
them, and make them throw summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled
the Doctor, and even the Lady Chatterissa to do?--he knew he should
break his neck the very first flap-jack; if he were ten years
younger, perhaps he should like the frolic; he did not believe the
right sort of craft could be found in England, and for his part, he
liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he didn't know but he
might go if he had a crew of Stunin'tunners; he always knew how to
get along with such people; he could scare one by threatening to
tell his marm how he behaved, and bring another to reason by hinting
that the gals would shy him if he wasn't more accommodating; then
there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all; or, if there
was, he might never find it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the
equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin being a
heavy load to carry in the calm latitudes; and finally that he
didn't exactly see what he was to get by it.
These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which
they were made, and commencing with the last.
I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal
brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's eyes, though he shook
his head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested
that there was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were
well stored with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner,
and that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own
private account. At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I
thought he was about to suffer himself to be caught. But he remained
obstinate. After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling the
amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of
the universal engine of human weakness, and the old sealer, who had
resisted money--an influence of known efficacy at Stunin'tun--
ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and all the ordinary
inducements that might be thought to have weight with men of his
class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity!
The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be
in reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of
the captain's peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolution,
and of the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard
aport, when all the dogmatical old navigator's scruples melted away
like snow in a thaw.