ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A
BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY
INCLUDED.
Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and that
he was altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt
to render a particular species inimical to all others, I asked
permission to cultivate his acquaintance; begging, at the same time,
that he would kindly favor me with such remarks as might be
suggested by his superior wisdom and extensive travels, on any of
those customs or opinions that would naturally present themselves in
our actual situation. The brigadier took the request in good part,
and we began to promenade the rooms in company. As the Archbishop of
Aggregation, who was to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly
expected, the conversation very naturally turned on the general
state of religion in the monikin region.
I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulated
portion of the world were based on principles absolutely identical
with those of all Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a
miserable lost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so
eaten up by envy, uncharitableness, and all other evil passions,
that it is quite impossible they can do anything that is good of
themselves; that their sole dependence is on the moral interference
of the great superior power of creation; and that the very first,
and the one needful step of their own, is to cast themselves
entirely on this power for support, in a proper spirit of dependence
and humility. As collateral to, and consequent on, this condition of
the mind, they lay the utmost stress on a disregard of all the
vanities of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of the flesh, and
an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory of ambition, riches,
power, and the faculties. In short, the one thing needful was
humility--humility--humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a degree
that put them above the danger of backsliding, they obtained
glimpses of security, and were gradually elevated to the hopes and
the condition of the just.
The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interesting
topic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other
sort of stick, announced the right reverend father in God, his grace
the most eminent and most serene prelate, the very puissant and
thrice gracious and glorified saint, the Primate of All Leaphigh!
The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which I advanced
to get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of
the great monikin family. Civilization having made such progress as
to strip all the people, even to the king and queen, entirely of
everything in the shape of clothes, I did not well see under what
new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church could take refuge!
Perhaps they shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of
supereminent self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the
cuticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence, what a poor
ungainly set of wretches they really were, carnally considered; or
perhaps they went on all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness
to enter into the presence of the pure of mind in an attitude more
erect and confident. Well, these fancies of mine only went to prove
how erroneous and false are the conclusions of one whose capacity
has not been amplified and concatenated by the ingenuities of a very
refined civilization. His grace the most gracious father in God,
wore a mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, the material of
which was composed of every tenth hair taken from all the citizens
of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully submitted to be shaved, in order
that the wants of his most eminent humility might be decently
supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warp and such a woof, was
necessarily very large; and it really appeared to me that the
prelate did not very well know what to do with so much of it, more
especially as the contributions include a new robe annually. I was
now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing that the
Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of that
appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who wore so
fine and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to
some novel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at
least. I found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed
not only the person, but most of the movements of the archbishop;
and it was with many doubts of my success that I led the brigadier
behind the episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed
expectation again. Instead of being destitute of a tail, or of
concealing that with which nature had supplied him beneath his
mantle, the most gracious dignitary wore no less than six caudae,
viz., his own, and five others added to it, by some subtle process
of clerical ingenuity that I shall not attempt to explain; one "bent
on the other," as the captain described them in a subsequent
conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed to sweep the
floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructed
faculties, I could discern about the person and appearance of this
illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and humility.
The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the
first place, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh
was illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one
and a half; a curate, if a minister, one and three-quarters, and a
rector two; a dean, two and a half, an archdeacon, three; a bishop,
four; the Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Primate of ALL
Leaphigh, six. The origin of the custom, which was very ancient, and
of course very much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a
saint of great celebrity, who had satisfactorily proved that as the
tail was the intellectual or the spiritual part of a monikin, the
farther it was removed from the mass of matter, or the body, the
more likely it was to be independent, consecutive, logical, and
spiritualized. The idea had succeeded astonishingly at first; but
time, which will wear out even a cauda, had given birth to schisms
in the church on this interesting subject; one party contending that
two more joints ought to be added to the archbishop's embellishment,
by way of sustaining the church, and the other that two joints ought
to be incontinently abstracted, in the way of reform.
These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride
and bridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa
advanced with a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious
train of noble maidens, all keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance
of hymeneal etiquette, dropped to the level of the queen's feet. On
the other hand, my lord Chatterino, attended by that coxcomb
Hightail, and others of his kidney, stepped towards the altar with a
lofty confidence, which the same etiquette exacted of the
bridegroom. The parties were no sooner in their places, than the
prelate commenced.
The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established
church of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. The
bridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride and none but
the bride; that he has made his choice solely on account of her
merits, uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far
command his inclinations as, on no account, ever to love another a
jot. The bride, on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that
she will do just what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will
be his bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is
quite certain no other monikin could make her happy, but, on the
other hand, she is absolutely sure that any other monikin would be
certain to make her miserable. When these pledges, oaths, and
asseverations were duly made and recorded, the archbishop caused the
happy pair to be wreathed together, by encircling them with his
episcopal tail, and they were then pronounced monikin and monikina.
I pass over the congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate
a short conversation I held with the brigadier.
"Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said
"amen," "how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which
showed that there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this
union, on the score of other considerations than those mentioned in
the ceremony?"
"That certificate has no connection with this ceremony."
"And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated
in the certificate?"
"This ceremony has no connection with that certificate."
"So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn
engagement!"
"Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for
in these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct
governing principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided
into the theoretical and the practical--moral and immoral would not
be inapposite--but, by the first we control all our interests, down
as far as facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may
possibly be something inconsistent in appearance in such an
arrangement; but then our most knowing ones say that it works well.
No doubt among men, you get along without the embarrassment of so
much contradiction."
I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who
stood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and
elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of
modesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a
look of natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she
pointed me out as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very
kind reception, inquiring if I had enough good things to eat,
whether I was not much astonished at the multitude of strange sights
I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be much obliged to her son for
consenting to bring me over, and invited me to come and see her some
fine morning.
I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a
view to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the
particulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may
be well to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the
Chatterino set, as they retired from the presence immediately after
the congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to
leaving the region, which was within a month of the marriage, that
the noble pair kept separate establishments, on account of some
disagreement about an incompatibility of temper--or a young officer
of the guards--I never knew exactly which; but as the estates suited
each other so well, there is little doubt that, on the whole, the
match was as happy as could be expected.
The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional
benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a
comparison of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and
Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we had an establishment;
and I believe I was indebted to his knowledge of this fact for his
treating me more as an equal than he might otherwise have done,
considering the difference in species. I was much relieved by this;
for, at the commencement of the conversation, he had sounded me a
little on doctrine, at which I am far from being expert, never
having taken an interest in the church, and I thought he looked
frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heard that we really
had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor did he
once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or Presbyterians.
But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good
old prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beatified me on the
spot!
"We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight;
"men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We
shall meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!"
The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was
much elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the
Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus
noticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy of
a stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to
particulars, and that he might have found some essential points of
difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, for
instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been
badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their personal
illustration was of another character. The venerable prelate,
however, soon gave me his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his
palace before I sailed, promised to send some tracts by me to
England, and then hurried away, as he said, to sign a sentence of
excommunication against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed
the harmony of the church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a
schism that he called "piety."
The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some
length, when the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was told
that the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two
parts, the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited,
until within a few generations, when certain monikins, who were too
good to live in the old world, emigrated in a body, and set up for
themselves in the new. This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow
account of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, on the
other hand, invariably maintaining that they had peopled the new
countries by sending all those of their own communities there, who
were not fit to stay at home. This little obscurity in the history
of the new world, he considers of no great moment, as such trifling
discrepancies must always depend on the character of the historian.
Leaphigh was by no means the only country in the elder monikin
region. There were among others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown;
Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround and
Leapunder. Each of these countries had a religious establishment,
though Leaplow, being founded on a new social principle, had none.
The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the chief
consequences of the two systems were, that the countries which had
establishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and
those that had no establishments were well enough off in the article
itself, though but indifferently supplied on the score of
reputation.
I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had
the beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies,
limiting and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise
setting limits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree
with me in all these particulars; though he very frankly allowed
that it had the effect of keeping TWO truths from falling out, by
separating them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas
under its establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By
keeping these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony was
promoted, and the several ministers of the gospel were enabled to
turn all their attention to the sins of the community, instead of
allowing it to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was very
apt to be the case when there was an antagonist interest to oppose.
Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and
myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we
separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream
of his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People's
Friend and the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening
with a supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the first
went into his closet to indite a dispatch to his government,
relating to the events of the evening.
The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of
the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to
give royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do
this worthy, upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite
superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many
of his caste, and which is founded on a principle as simple as the
fact that they cannot be kings and nobles themselves.
While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in
undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail
aside, Judge People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in
his hand. He read aloud what he had written, to my great
astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think diplomatic
communications sacred. But the judge observed, that in this case it
was useless to affect secrecy, for two very good reasons; firstly,
because he had been obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to
copy what he had written--his government depending on a noble
republican economy, which taught it that, if it did get into
difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still
have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the
embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself
would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have
the publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I was
even allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a
fac-simile.
"SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-
plenipotentiary of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has
the honor to inform the secretary of state, that our interests in
this portion of the earth are, in general, on the best possible
footing; our national character is getting every day to be more and
more elevated; our rights are more and more respected, and our flag
is more and more whitening every sea. After this flattering and
honorable account of the state of our general concerns, I hasten to
communicate the following interesting particulars.
"The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and
Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen
Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough
vessel of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal
demonstration with a very improper part of his person, at us; and
the king of Leapover has caused seven of our ships to be seized and
sold, and the money to be given to his mistress.
"Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our
foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious
constitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just
dread which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other
nations.
"The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to
see that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully
attended to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of
the representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in
this important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that
her majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of
the sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for,
though there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain
unseemly words to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed
the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were
we to call in question her royal sincerity on this public occasion.
Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles
of the most sincere and encouraging character, not only from the
king, but from all his ministers, his first-cousin in particular;
and I trust they will have the most beneficial effects on the
questions at issue between the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved
country. If they would now only do us justice in the very important
affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which we
have been seeking in vain at their hands for the last seventy-two
years, I should say that our relations were on the best possible
footing.
"Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the
Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth,
and on the benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to
exercise on all our important interests.
"I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special
mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of
the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family."
"In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest
manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of
the head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth
and prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on
all occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual
friendship. In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our
alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain
for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You
can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly
augmented under his administration, and that it has at least
quadrupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only respect its
treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen, Leapup have
greater deference for the usages of good society, and the king of
Leapover would seize no more of our ships to supply his mistress
with pocket-money, our foreign relations might be considered to be
without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better off than I could
have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; and of one
thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universally
respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all
in company rising and waving their caudae."
"(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE'S FRIEND."
"Hon.---------, etc."
"P. S. (Private.)"
"Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the
difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in
with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of
the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home
soon, having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of
maintaining a tail, of which our people have no notion, is so very
great, that I think none of our missions should exceed a week in
duration.
"I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the
subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign
nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require that this
statement should be made as often as possible."
When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion.
The brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various
peculiarities on this subject, that I do not remember to have heard
of before. Thus, a monikin could not be born without paying
something to the church, a practice which early initiated him into
his duties towards that important branch of the public welfare; and,
even when he died, he left a fee behind him, for the parson, as an
admonition to those who still existed in the flesh, not to forget
their obligations. He added that this sacred interest was, in short,
so rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused to be plucked
for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, there was a method of
fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron rods, which
generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly willing,
in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose at pleasure.
I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate to
stigmatize the practice as barbarous.
"Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a
stranger would be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity,
and brotherly love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the
stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and avarice. But this is the
way with us monikins; no doubt, men manage better."