BETTER AND BETTER--MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE--TAILS AND HEADS: THE
IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE.
Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where
I promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh,
curiosity inducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The
brigadier told me in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that
the affair was now getting to be one of great interest; that
hitherto it had been mere boy's play, but it would in future require
counsel of great reading and research to handle the arguments, and
that he flattered himself there was a good occasion likely to
present itself, for him to show what monikin reason really was.
The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they
presented a formidable array of intellectual development. As the
cause of Noah was admitted to be one of more than common urgency,
after hearing only three or four other short applications on behalf
of the crown, whose rights always have precedence on such occasions,
the attorney-general of the king was desired to open his case.
The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections of
both his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright.
Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four
hours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus,
forthwith of a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at
noon, would mean at noon; and so on to the close of the legal day.
Moreover, in a legal signification, forthwith must mean between
sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding that all executions shall
take place by the light of the sun, and consequently the two terms
ratified and confirmed each other, instead of conveying a
contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would most probably
be contended by the opposite counsel.
To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions,
objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light
proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only
mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period
when the whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration.
Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for
forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant
between sunrise and sunset; which might be immediately, or might
not.
On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did
not mean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith;
thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it
was illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal
purpose; and fifthly, that the objection was of no avail, as
respected the case of No. 1, sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore,
that the criminal lose his tail forthwith.
The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and
monikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men,
or some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the
sentence be confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the
soundest of the two; for I had often had occasion to observe, that
there were very startling points of resemblance between monkeys and
our own species.
The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in
earnest; and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it
excited a lively--I may say an engrossing--interest in all the
hearers. It was settled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in
favor of the king, whose royal dignity the twelve judges were
unanimously of opinion was entitled to precedency over that of the
queen. To my great surprise, my brother Downright volunteered an
argument on this intricate point, making an exceedingly clever
speech in favor of the king's dignity, as was admitted by every one
who heard it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of the
tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into the culprit's face. It
is true this might be done physically after decapitation, but it
could not be done morally. This part of the punishment was designed
for a moral effect; and to produce that effect, consciousness and
shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act of throwing the
ashes into the face of the criminal could only be done while he was
living, and capable of being ashamed.
Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It
contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was
esteemed as very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred
and inviolable character of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as
he termed them), and was so lucid in pointing out the general
inferiority of the queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was
not present to hear herself and sex undervalued. As might have been
expected, it allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the
brigadier. The decision was in the following words, viz.: "Rex et
Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of
justice shall proceed forthwith to decaudizate the defendant before
they decapitate him; provided he has not been forthwith decapitated
before he can be decaudizated."
The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper
officer, Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out
of the hall of justice, as if both out lives depended on our
expedition. I was about to reproach him for having volunteered to
aid the king's attorney-general, when, seizing me by the root of the
tail, for the want of a button-hole, he said, with evident
satisfaction:
"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to
have been employed, for some years, in a more interesting
litigation. Now this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to
a close, has just reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see
every prospect of extricating our client with great credit to
myself."
"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted; "the accused is finally
sentenced, if not actually executed!"
"Not so fast, my good Sir John--not so fast, by any means. Nothing
is final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the
criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way;
much better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was
arraigned."
Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to
demand an explanation.
"All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brother
Downright, "whether the head is still on the body of the accused or
not. Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution;
and, should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a
proper religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for
this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the
fact. I ask but two things of you--speed in coming with the news,
and perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest
of the frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of
justice!"
"The case seems desperate--would it not be as well for me to run
down to the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties,
throw myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a
pardon?"
"Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons:
firstly, there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted
without a special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor
a queen!"
"No king in Leaphigh!"
"I have said it."
"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to
refute what you say, by the evidence of my own senses."
"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there
was a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned.
But the nobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to
trouble his majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon
themselves all the trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign
the sole duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save his
feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical
force and abuses of the mass. After a time, it was found
inconvenient and expensive to feed and otherwise support the royal
family, and all its members were privately shipped to a distant
region, which had not yet got to be so far advanced in civilization,
as to know how to keep up a monarchy without a monarch."
"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?"
"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations
enough, even greater exploits may be performed."
"But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no
such thing as a monarch in this country?"
"Literally."
"And the presentations?"
"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy."
"And the crimson curtains?--"
"Conceal empty seats."
"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?"
"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in
danger, if there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch,
and another to have no throne. But all this time our client is in
great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I
have just instructed you."
I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the
centre of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my
friend waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already
rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did
not recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for,
luckily for himself, and more especially for the success of his
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual
preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the
court had not yet arrived--justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as
her ministers are dilatory--two blocks were prepared, and the
culprit was about to get down on his hands and knees between them,
just as I forced my way through the crowd to his side.
"Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!" exclaimed the rebuked
Noah; "a ra'ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his
enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!"
"While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be
prepared for the worst--he who is thus prepared never can meet with
a disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners"--for there were two,
that of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the
unhappy criminal--"Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the
culprit a moment to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his
last requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!"
To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of
the law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not
forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they
might lose their places. They did not see, however, but a man might
pause for a moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that
there had been a little misunderstanding between the executioners
themselves on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of
the delay, and which had been disposed of by an arrangement that
both should operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought down
to his hands and knees, "moored head and starn," as that unfeeling
blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd, expressed it, between the two
blocks, his neck lying on one and his tail on the other. While in
this edifying attitude, I was permitted to address him.
"It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain," I
said; "for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and
sanguinary appearance."
"I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own
that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first
vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has
given me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon
for being led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing
to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his
desarts. I forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As
for Miss Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past
expecting another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic
the rest of her days."
"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah--repentance is the one thing
needful for a man in your extremity."
"I do--I do, Sir John, body and soul--I repent, from the bottom of
my heart, ever having come on this v'y'ge--nay, I don't know but I
repent ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this
moment, have been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin'tun;
and they are both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord
love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be
pardoned on the spot."
Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he
asked of the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the
boy brought near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him.
This reasonable request was complied with, despite of poor Bob's
struggles; and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty
repentance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying moment the
mandate for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials
seriously declared that the condemned must be prepared to meet his
fate.
The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal
process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened
sympathy in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the
tail was actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs
could carry me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother
Downright, who was impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly
arose and moved the bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of
execution in the case of "Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-
water-color. By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it
was enacted, my lords," put in the brigadier, "that in no case shall
a convicted felon suffer loss of life, or limb, while it can be
established that he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my
lords, of common law--but being common sense and common monikinity,
it has been thought prudent to enforce it by an especial enactment.
I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen will scarcely dispute
the law of the case--"
"Not at all, my lords--though I have some doubts as to the fact. The
fact remains to be established," answered the other, taking snuff.
"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of
Rex versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of
decaudization to take precedence of that of decapitation, in the
case of Regina versus the same. Process had been issued from the
bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence, lost his
cauda, and with it his reason; a creature without reason has always
been held to be non compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not
liable to the punishments of life or limb."
"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed my lord
chief-justice, "but it remains for the bench to be put in possession
of the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared--"
"I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not
admit of three months' delay."
"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we
have now sat longer in banco," looking at his watch, "than is either
usual, agreeable, or expedient."
"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish
that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually
been separated from his body--"
"Nay--nay--my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must
know that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had
an affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it,
before we adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another
sitting."
I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar
odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown
into Noah's face, there remained no further obstacle to the process
of decapitation--the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept
his countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My
brother Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so
simple a stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written
over in a good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he
read it, without pause or hesitation, in the following manner:
"Regina versus Noah Poke."
"Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, } Personally
this fourth day of the Moon. } appeared before me,
Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the Court of King's Bench, John
Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who, being
duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, the said deponent,
was present at, and did witness, the decaudization of the defendant
in this suit, and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1,
sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his
body.--And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc."
Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit,
which existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired
the court to take my deposition to its truth.
"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you have heard
what has just been read; do you swear to its truth?"
"I do."
Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and
myself, and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the
paper used by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no
other than the notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on
one of the arguments in the case in question, and that, seeing the
names and title of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter to
read his own writing, that high officer of the crown had, very
naturally, supposed that all was right. As to the rest of the bench,
they were in too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read
affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of, by the following
decision:
"Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be
considered non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding
security to keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life."
An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this
reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter
into the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the
same time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to
answer to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my
brother Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in
order to congratulate our client--the former justly elated with his
success, which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his
own education.
We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands
of the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his
satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to
his account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head
than another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been
necessary to part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted
to do so like a man, referring to the fortitude with which he had
borne the amputation of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for
his part, he should take very good care how he accused any one with
having a memory, or anything else, again, and he now saw the
excellence of those wise provisions of the laws, which cut up a
criminal in order to prevent the repetition of his offences; he did
not intend to stay much longer on shore, believing he should be less
in the way of temptation on board the Walrus than among the
monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching
them on board again, for they had now been off their pork twenty-
four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after
all; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments,
but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the belly;
he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with his belly--and
he had a thousand--that the belly didn't get the better; that it
would be awkward to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it
was easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for
cauda, though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he
could do very well without one, and when he got back to Stunnin'tun,
should the worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in
the place who could give him as good a fit as the one he had lost;
that Miss Poke would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he
come home after decapitation; that it might be well to sail for
Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that country he understood
bobs were in fashion, and he admitted that he should not like to
cruise about Leaphigh, for any great length of time, unless he could
look as other people look; for his part, he bore no one a grudge,
and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of whom, the Lord
willing, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the ship
should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc.
Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we
proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the
Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals
and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and
had all gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast
Jacks in a well-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon
nuts.
The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with
him, than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright
for the able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being;
paying, at the same time, some well-merited compliments to the
ingenious and truly philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh
system of jurisprudence.
"Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir
John," returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my
lodgings. "We did as well as circumstances would allow; though our
whole defence would have been upset, had not the chief-justice very
luckily been unable to read his own handwriting. As for the
principles and forms of the monikin law--for in these particulars
Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh--as you have seen them displayed
in these two suits, why, they are such as we have. I do not pretend
that they are faultless; on the contrary, I could point out
improvements myself--but we get on with them as well as we can: no
doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bear examination."