POLITICAL BOUNDARIES--POLITICAL RIGHTS--POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND
POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS.
The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already
mentioned; but I believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of
demarcation drawn in the water, by means of a similar invention, to
point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all
within these water-marks was under the laws of Leaphigh; all between
them and those of some other country, was the high seas; and all
within those of the other country, Leaplow for instance, was under
the exclusive jurisdiction of that other country.
With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in
about half a day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two
days' sail, and another half day was necessary to reach our haven.
As we drew near the legal frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-
sailing schooners were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction
of the king, quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us,
just as the outer edge of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh
sovereignty. Judge People's Friend rushed to the side of the ship,
and before the crew of the boat could get on deck, he had
ascertained that the usual number of prizes had been put into the
little wheel.
A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared
to have been subjected to the second amputation, being what is
called in Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if
there were any emigrants on board. He was made acquainted with our
characters and objects. When he understood that our stay would most
likely be short, he was evidently a little disappointed.
"Perhaps, gentlemen," he added, "you may still remain long enough to
make naturalization desirable?"
"It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries--but are
there no legal objections?"
"I see none, sir--you have no tails, I believe?"
"None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but the
circumstance of our being of a different species might throw some
obstacles in the way."
"None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for
so narrow an objection. You are but little acquainted with the
institutions and policy of our beloved and most happy country, I
see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor
Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor Leapunder; but good old, hearty,
liberal, free and independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous
beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of no account under our system.
We would as soon naturalize one animal as another, provided it be a
republican animal. I see no deficiency about any of you. All we ask
is certain general principles. You go on two legs--"
"So do turkeys, sir."
"Very true--but you have no feathers."
"Neither has a donkey."
"All very right, gentlemen--you do not bray, however."
"I will not answer for that," put in the captain, sending his leg
forwards in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob,
that almost upset the Leaplower's proposition.
"At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there is a test that will
put the matter at rest, at once."
He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word "our"--"OUR
liberties"--"OUR country"--"OUR firesides"--"OUR altars," Whoever
expressed a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word in the
proper manner, and in the proper place, was entitled to be a
citizen. We all did very well but the second mate, who, being a
Herefordshire man, could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to
the Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than "our halters." Now, it
would seem that, in carrying out a great philanthropic principle in
Leaplow, halters had been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did
anything amiss, it had been discovered that, instead of punishing
him for the offence, the true way to remedy the evil was to punish
the society against which he had offended. By this ingenious turn,
society was naturally made to look out sharp how it permitted any
one to offend it. This excellent idea is like that of certain
Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an ax, always apply
salve and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to heal as
fast as possible.
To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, who
hung in his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible.
Certificates of naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees
were paid, and the schooner left us.
That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until the
following morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with three
schooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on
errands of life or death. The first that reached us sent a boat on
board, and a committee of six bob-upon-bobs hurried up our sides,
and lost no time in introducing themselves. I shall give their own
account of their business and characters.
It would seem that they were what is called a "nominating committee"
of the Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we
were bound, where an election was about to take place for members of
the great National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven
members; and having nominated themselves, the committee were now in
quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to secure
the naturalized interests, it had been determined to select as new a
comer as possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of
liberality, in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising
for a week, as near as the law would allow to the Leaphigh
boundaries, and they were now ready to take any one who would serve.
To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Here
they all fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included,
giving me very distinctly to understand that they thought I had very
contracted notions on matters and things, to suppose so trifling an
obstacle could disturb the harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote.
They went for a principle, and the devil himself could not make them
swerve from the pursuit of so sacred an object.
I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably
as it had fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of
summersets; and I feared that when the order was given "to go to the
right about," I might be found no better than a bungler. This
staggered them a little; and I perceived that they looked at each
other in doubt.
"But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?" one of them
asked, after a pause.
"Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no
idle boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good
time.
"Very well!--admirably well!" they all cried in a breath. "The great
political essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in their
essence--the facility with which they are performed being no more
than a personal merit."
"But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws,
than I have learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow-
travellers."
"This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that
of Leaphigh, is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we
have a political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of
unnecessary study and reflection to the members. All you will have
to do, will be to watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will
go as well through the manual exercise as the oldest member there."
"How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this
fugleman?"
"All the Horizontals, sir--the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of
their own."
"Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am no
judge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my friends."
This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they all
protested, great political capabilities; the statesman who submitted
all to his friends never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. The
committee took my name in writing and hastened back to their
schooner, in order to get into port to promulgate the nomination.
These persons were hardly off the deck, before another party came up
the opposite side of the ship. They announced themselves to be a
nominating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly the same
errand as their opponents. They, too, wished to propitiate the
foreign interests, and were in search of a proper candidate. Captain
Poke had been an attentive listener to all that occurred during the
circumstances that preceded my nomination; and he now stepped
promptly forward, and declared his readiness to serve. As there was
quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the other, and the
Perpendicular committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for
time, the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was
arranged in five minutes, and the strangers departed with the name
of NOAH POKE, THE TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST
MONIKIN, handsomely placarded on a large board--all but the name
having been carefully prepared in advance.
When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside,
and made his apologies for opposing me in this important election.
His reasons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little
discursive. They might be summed up as follows: He never had sat in
a parliament, and he was curious to know how it would feel; it would
increase the respect of the ship's company, to find their commander
of so much account in a strange port; he had had some experience at
Stunnin'tun by reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt of his
abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good
legislator; the congressman in his part of the country was some such
man as himself, and what was good for the goose was good for the
gander; he knew Miss Poke would be pleased to hear he had been
chosen; he wondered if he should be called the Honorable Noah Poke,
and whether he should receive eight dollars a day, and mileage from
the spot where the ship then was; the Perpendiculars might count on
him, for his word was as good as his bond; as for the constitution,
he had got on under the constitution at home, and he believed a man
who could do that might get on under any constitution; he didn't
intend to say a great deal in parliament, but what he did say he
hoped might be recorded for the use of his children; together with a
great deal more of the same sort of argumentation and apology.
The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent another
committee, who announced themselves to be the representatives of a
party that was termed the Tangents. They were not numerous, but
sufficiently so to hold the balance whenever the Horizontals and the
Perpendiculars crossed each other directly at right angles, as was
the case at present; and they had now determined to run a single
candidate of their own. They, too, wished to fortify themselves by
the foreign interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest of a
proper person. I suggested the first mate; but against this Noah
protested, declaring that come what would, the ship must on no
account be deserted. Time pressed; and, while the captain and the
subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety of permitting the
latter to serve, Bob, who had already tasted the sweets of political
importance, in his assumed character of prince-royal, stepped slyly
up to the committee, and gave in his name. Noah was too much
occupied to discover this well-managed movement; and by the time he
had sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not instantly
relinquish all ambitious projects of this nature, he found that the
Tangents were off. Supposing they had gone to some other vessel, the
captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all went on smoothly
again.
From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the
tranquillity and discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I
improved the occasion to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which
the judge had a copy, and to glean such information from my
companions as I believed might be useful in my future career. I
thought how pleasant it would be for a foreigner to teach the
Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to them the application of
their own principles! Little, however, was to be got from the judge,
who was just then too much occupied with some calculations
concerning the chances of the little wheel, with which he had been
furnished by a leading man of one of the nominating committees.
I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of his
country which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow
institutions, society, and manners of so much value in the market of
the latter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was
to say, that his countrymen, having cleared the interests connected
with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set everything at
work, on the philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were
exceedingly desirous of knowing what other people thought of the
success of the experiment.
"I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; one
in which even the very children are profoundly instructed in the
great truths of your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not
without dread of bringing my theoretical ignorance in collision with
their great practical knowledge of the principles of your
government."
"They are early fed on political pap."
"No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the
females of other countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive
principles of your system, devoted to the education of their
children in the same sublime truths, and indefatigable in their
discrimination, among the meanest of their households!"
"Hum!"
"Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the most
debased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual,
accomplished and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these
fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the whole of whose
eloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfelt
wishes for the downfall of their opponents;--"
"It is very much so at Stunnin'tun, too, if truth must be spoken,"
remarked Noah, who had been a listener.
"Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their
sides in just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their
young antipathies with pettish philippics against some luckless
chief of the adverse party;--"
"Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin'tun, as I live!"
"Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out
to the future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of
crime, the incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their
liberties; but who are indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour,
however false or vulgar, and who humanize their attentive offspring
by softly expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other
frustrator of the designs of their friends, were fairly hanged!"
"Stunnin'tun, all over!"
"Beings that are angels in form--soft, gentle, refined, and tearful
as the evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity
or suffering; but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers,
whenever any but those of whom they can approve attain to power; and
who, instead of entwining their soft arms around their husbands and
brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer
them on by their encouragement and throw dirt with the volubility
and wit of fish-women."
"Miss Poke, to the backbone!"
"In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of
things at Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered
with mud, your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild
soothings of philosophy, tempering zeal by wisdom, and regulating
error by apt and unanswerable quotations from that great charter
which is based on the eternal and immutable principles of right."
"Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the
house," cried the delighted Noah, "I shall be shy of answering. I
doubt, now, if the brigadier himself could repeat all you have just
said."
"I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your
Leaplow constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to
those members of society who possess a 'social stake.'"
"Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe."
"Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and
lands of the country?"
"Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and
eyes, and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and
feelings, and wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of
political fidelity, than possessions."
"This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to
the social-stake system."
"You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory,
or never more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend--
and contend justly--that there is no broader or bolder fallacy than
to say that a representation of mere effects, whether in houses,
lands, merchandise, or money, is a security for a good government.
Property is affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, the
greater is the bribe to induce him to consult his own interests,
although it should be at the expense of those of everybody else."
"But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the
aggregate of these interests."
"Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregate
of the interests of a class. If your government is instituted for
their benefit only, your social-stake system is all well enough; but
if the object be the general good, you have no choice but to trust
its custody to the general keeping. Let us suppose two men--since
you happen to be a man, and not a monikin--let us suppose two men
perfectly equal in morals, intelligence, public virtue and
patriotism, one of whom shall be rich and the other shall have
nothing. A crisis arrives in the affairs of their common country,
and both are called upon to exercise their franchise, on a question-
-as almost all great questions must--that unavoidably will have some
influence on property generally. Which would give the most impartial
vote--he who, of necessity, must be swayed by his personal interest,
or he who has no inducement of the sort to go astray?"
"Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But the
question is not fairly put--"
"Your pardon, Sir John--it is put fairly as an abstract question,
and one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that
a man would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows his
identity with a monikin. We hold that all of us are apt to think
most of ourselves on such occasions."
"My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, if
power belonged only to the poor--and the poor, or the comparatively
poor, always compose the mass--they would exercise it in a way to
strip the rich of their possessions."
"We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state
of things would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses,
and are not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk
yesterday, may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is
uniformly temperate preserves his proper tone of body without
recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a
strong provocation, might possibly be made; but it could scarcely be
made twice among any people, and not even once among a people that
submits in season to a just division of its authority, since it is
obviously destructive of a leading principle of civilization.
According to our monikin histories, all the attacks upon property
have been produced by property's grasping at more than fairly
belongs to its immunities. If you make political power a concomitant
of property, both may go together, certainly; but if kept separate,
the danger to the latter will never exceed the danger in which it is
put daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, in truth, the
greatest foes of property, as it belongs to others."
I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the
brigadier had, at least, some truth on his side.
"But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind,
ennobles, and purifies?"
"Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men,
but we hold among monikins, that 'the love of money is the root of
all evil.'"
"How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence of
property as nothing?"
"If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt to
teach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has
money, as a rule, will also have in formation to guide him aright, I
must answer, that experience, which is worth a thousand theories,
tells us differently. We find that on questions which are purely
between those who have, and those who have not, the HAVES are
commonly united, and we think this would be the fact if they were as
unschooled as bears; but on all other questions, they certainly do
great discredit to education, unless you admit that there are in
every case TWO rights; for, with us, the most highly educated
generally take the two extremes of every argument. I state this to
be the fact with monikins, you will remember--doubtless, educated
men agree much better."
"But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater
impartiality and independence of the elector who is not influenced
by his private interests be true, a country would do well to submit
its elections to a body of foreign umpires."
"It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpires
would not abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if they
could have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a
nation far more than money, and if it were possible they could
thoroughly understand the character, habits, wants, and resources of
another people. As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to
trust our own elections to ourselves--not to a portion of ourselves,
but to all of ourselves."
"Immigrants included," put in the captain.
"Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen
like yourselves," returned the brigadier, politely, "but liberality
is a virtue. As a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the
choice of our representatives to strangers has more merit than you
probably imagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons
already given. When we seek justice, we commonly look out for some
impartial judge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the
matter of the interests of a state, for the simple reason that power
of this sort, permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle
which, after a most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to
admit is incorporated with the very monikin nature--viz.,
selfishness. I make no manner of doubt that you men, however, are
altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?"
Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier's "Hum!"
"Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control of
our affairs to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are not
identified with our own, we set about seeing what could be done with
a selection from among ourselves. Here we were again met by that
same obstinate principle of selfishness; and we were finally driven
to take shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all
to the management of all."
"And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?"
"Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is
just this: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand
vested interests, are induced, as time improves the mind, to seek
reasons for their facts; while we Leaplowers, being unshackled by
any such restraints, have been able to make an effort to form our
facts on our reasons."
"Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow
facts?"
"Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to
be just the two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old
monikins in the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience
show him his error?"
"Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit every
citizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to the
exercise of the suffrage?"
"Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be,
since we do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the
privilege. Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence may be
useful, but they are badly chosen when they are brought to the test
of purely material possessions. This practice has arisen in the
world from the fact that they who had property had power, and not
because they ought to have it."
"My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience."
"For the reason just given, and because all experience has hitherto
commenced at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you
erect a house; not from the roof down, but from the foundation
upwards."
"Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed at
first, in repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at
the risk of bringing all down about your ears?"
"I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then
proceed with vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an
experiment is less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of
life, social, personal and political, are as much the effects of
moral cowardice as of fraud."
I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected the
inducements of property in the selection of the political base of
their social compact, I expected to find a capital substitute in
virtue.
"I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a free
people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this
important particular?"
The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to
the right and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of
perfection.
"Many theories have been broached on these subjects," he replied,
"in which there has been some confusion between cause and effect.
Virtue is no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with
intelligence, than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be
consequences, but it is not easy to say how either is necessarily a
cause. There is a homely saying among us monikins, which is quite to
the point in this matter: 'Set a rogue to catch a rogue.' Now, the
essence of a free government is to be found in the responsibility of
its agents. He who governs without responsibility is a master, while
he who discharges the duties of a functionary under a practical
responsibility is a servant. This is the only true test of
governments, let them be mystified as they may in other respects.
Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the criterion of
freedom. Now responsibility is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue in a
politician, as discipline is the substitute for courage in a
soldier. An army of brave monikins without discipline, would be very
apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of less natural spirit,
with discipline. So a corps of originally virtuous politicians,
without responsibility, would be very apt to do more selfish,
lawless, and profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who were
kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility. Unrestrained power is
a great corrupter of virtue, of itself; while the liabilities of a
restrained authority are very apt to keep it in check. At least,
such is the fact with us monikins--men very possibly get along
better."
"Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that
are diametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers
virtue an indispensable ingredient in a republic."
"The world--meaning always the monikin world--knows very little
about real political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are,
in effect, the only people who have had much to do with it, and I am
now telling you what is the result of my own observation, in my own
country. If monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no
necessity for government at all; but, being what they are, we think
it wisest to set them to watch each other."
"But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; and
self-restraint is but another word for virtue."
"If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in your
signification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would
not be worth the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This
is one of those balmy fallacies with which ill-judging moralists
endeavor to stimulate monikins to good deeds. Our government is
based on a directly opposite principle; that of watching and
restraining each other, instead of trusting to our ability to
restrain ourselves. It is the want of responsibility, and not of
constant and active presence, which infers virtue and self-control.
No one would willingly lay legal restraints on himself in anything,
while all are very happy to restrain their neighbors. This refers to
the positive and necessary rules of intercourse, and the
establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very little
towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come of
instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is a
security that all desire."
"But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their own
especial advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence."
"Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is
identified with general advantage. A community can no more buy
itself in this manner, than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as
ravenous as he will. Admitting that all are rogues, necessity would
compel a compromise."
"You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I
shall find you the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and
the most consistent community I have yet visited. But another word:
how is it that our friend the judge gave such equivocal instructions
to his charge; and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress on
the employment of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have
told me?"
Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that he
thought there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also
wondered (quite audibly), when we should make the land. I afterwards
persuaded him to allow that a monikin was but a monikin, after all,
whether he had the advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under
a despot.