HOW TO ENACT LAWS--ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL CONSIDERED IN
THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS.
Political oaths are very much the same sort of thing everywhere, and
I shall say no more about our inauguration than simply to state it
took place as usual. The two houses were duly organized, and we
proceeded, without delay, to the transaction of business. I will
here state that I was much rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright
among the Bobees, the captain whispering that most probably he had
been mistaken for an "immigrunt," and chosen accordingly.
It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us a
communication, which contained a compte rendue of the state of the
nation. Like most accounts it is my good fortune to receive, I
thought it particularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this
document, the people of Leaplow were, by a good deal, the happiest
people in the world; they were also considerably more respected,
esteemed, beloved, honored, and properly appreciated, than any other
monikin community, and, in short, they were the admiration and glory
of the universe. I was exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of
the facts were quite new to me; a circumstance which shows one can
never get correct notions of a nation except from itself.
These important facts properly digested, we all of us set about our
several duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our industry and
integrity. Things commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before
the Riddles sent us a resolution for concurrence, by way of opening
the ball. It was conceived in the following terms: "Resolved, that
the color which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is really
white."
As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on which
we had been required to vote, I suggested to Noah the propriety of
our going round to the brigadier, and inquiring what might be the
drift of so singular a proposition. Our colleague answered the
question with great good-nature, giving us to understand that the
Perpendiculars and the Horizontals had long been at variance on the
mere coloring property of various important questions, and the real
matter involved in the resolution was not visible. The former had
always maintained (by always, he meant ever since the time they
maintained the contrary) the doctrine of the resolution, and the
latter its converse. A majority of the Riddles, just at this moment,
are Perpendiculars; and, as it was now seen, they had succeeded in
getting a vote on their favorite principle.
"According to this account of the matter, Sir John," observed the
captain, "I shall be compelled to maintain that black is white,
seeing that I am in on the Parpendic'lar interest?"
I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own legislative
debut was not to be characterized by the promulgation of any
doctrine so much at variance with my preconceived ways of thinking.
Curious, however, to know his opinion, I asked the brigadier in what
light he felt disposed to view the matter himself.
"I am elected by the Tangents," he said; "and, by what I can learn,
it is the intention of our friends to steer a middle course; and one
of our leaders is already selected, who, at a proper stage of the
affair, is to move an amendment."
"Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything connected with the
Great National Allegory that bears on this point?"
"Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and immutable laws,
which it is thought was intended to meet this very case; but,
unhappily, the sages by whom our Allegory was drawn up have not paid
quite as much attention to the phraseology as the importance of the
subject demanded."
Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, and I
returned to a seat to study its meaning. It was conceived as
follows:--Art. IV. Clause 6: "The Great National Council shall, in
no case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be
black."
After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, turning it
on every side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to the
conclusion that its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable
than unfavorable to the Horizontal doctrine. It struck me, a very
good argument was to be made out of the constitutional question, and
that it presented a very fair occasion for a new member to venture
on a maiden speech. Having so settled the matter, entirely to my own
satisfaction, I held myself in reserve, waiting for the proper
moment to produce an effect.
It was not long before the chairman of the committee on the
judiciary (one of the effects of the resolution was entirely to
change the coloring of all testimony throughout the vast Republic of
Leaplow) made his report on the subject-matter of the resolution.
This person was a Tangent, who had a besetting wish to become a
Riddle, although the leaning of our house was decidedly Horizontal;
and, as a matter of course, he took the Riddle side of this
question. The report, itself, required seven hours in the reading,
commencing with the subject at the epocha of the celebrated caucus
that was adjourned sine die, by the disruption of the earth's crust,
and previously to the distribution of the great monikin family into
separate communities, and ending with the subject of the resolution
in his hand. The reporter had set his political palette with the
utmost care, having completely covered the subject with neutral
tints, before he got through with it, and glazing the whole down
with ultramarine, in such a way as to cause the eye to regard the
matter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he repeated the
resolution, verbatim, and as it came from the other house.
Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments.
To my utter amazement, Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into
its box, and opened the debate without apology.
The honorable captain said he understood this question to be one
implicating the liberties of everybody. He understood the matter
literally, as it was propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in
the resolution; and, as such, he intended to look at it with
unprejudiced eyes. "The natur' of this proposal lay altogether in
color. What is color, after all? Make the most of it, and in the
most favorable position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely
young woman, and it is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a
certain female in another part of the univarse, who is commonly
called Miss Poke, might have out-rosed the best rose in a placed
called Stunnin'tun; and what did it all amount to? He shouldn't ask
Miss Poke herself, for obvious reasons--but he would ask any of the
neighbors how she looked now? Quitting female natur', he would come
to human natur' generally. He had often remarked that sea water was
blue, and he had frequently caused pails to be lowered, and the
water brought on deck, to see if he could come at any of this
blueing matter--for indigo was both scarce and dear in his part of
the world, but he never could make out anything by the experiment;
from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was pretty much no
such thing as color, at all.
"As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on the
meaning of words. Now, after all, what is a word? Why, some people's
words are good, and other people's words are good for nothing. For
his part, he liked sealed instruments--which might be because he was
a sealer--but as for mere words, he set but little store by them. He
once tuck a man's word for his wages; and the long and short of it
was, that he lost his money. He had known a thousand instances in
which words had proved to be of no value, and he did not see why
some gentlemen wished to make them of so much importance here. For
his part, he was for puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a
color, above its desarts. The people seemed to call for a change in
the color of things, and he called upon gentlemen to remember that
this was a free country, and one in which the laws ruled; and
therefore he trusted they would be disposed to adapt the laws to the
wants of the people. What had the people asked of the house in this
matter? So far as his knowledge went, they had really asked nothing
in words, but he understood there was great discontent on the
subject of the old colors; and he construed their silence into an
expression of contempt for words in general. He was a Parpendic'lar,
and he should always maintain Parpendic'lar sentiments. Gentlemen
might not agree with him, but, for one, he was not disposed to
jipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and therefore he gave
the rizolution just as it came from the Riddles, without altering a
letter--although he did think there was one word misspelt--he meant
'really,' which he had been taught to spell 'ra'aily'--but he was
ready to sacrifice even his opinions on this point to the good of
the country; and therefore he went with the Riddles, even to their
misprints. He hoped the rizolution would pass, with the entire
unanimity so important a subject demanded."
This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, the
principal orators of the house had been much in the practice of
splitting hairs about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory;
but Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, had made a home
thrust at the root of the whole matter; laying about him with the
single-first, I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of
respecting the vital ordinances of the body politic, and asked the
attention of my hearers while I read to them a particular clause,
which it had struck me had some allusion to the very point now in
consideration. Having thus cleared the way, I had not the folly to
defeat the objects of so much preparation, by an indiscreet
precipitancy. So far from it, previously to reading the extract from
the constitution, I waited until the attention of every member
present was attracted more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation,
and gravity of my manner, than by the substance of what had yet been
said. In the midst of this deep silence and expectation I read
aloud, in a voice that reached every cranny in the hall--
"The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or
resolution, declaring white to be black."
If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was
equally self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I
saw surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in every
countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact embarrassed even
me. Our friends the Horizontals were evidently quite as much at
fault as our opponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I
had good reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their
cause sustained by an authority so weighty.
"Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what
author he has quoted?" one of the leading Perpendiculars at length
ventured to inquire.
"The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I resumed,
believing that now was the favorable instant to follow up the
matter, "is language that must find an echo in every heart--it is
language that can never be used in vain in this venerable hall,
language that carries with it conviction and command."--I observed
that the members were now fairly gaping at each other with wonder.--
"Sir, I am asked to name the author from whom I have quoted these
sententious and explicit words--Sir, what you have just heard is to
be found in the Article IV., Clause 6, of the Great National
Allegory--"
"Order--order--order!" shouted a hundred raven throats.
I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only
the instant before.
"Order--order--order--order--order!" continued to be yelled, as if a
million of demons were screeching in the hall.
"The honorable member will please to recollect," said the bland and
ex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular,
elected by fraud, "that it is out of order to use personalities."
"Personalities! I do not understand, sir--"
"The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own
good sense will tell him, was never written by itself--so far from
this, the very members of the convention by which it was drawn up,
are at this instant members of this house, and most of them
supporters of the resolution now before the house; and it will be
deemed personal to throw into their faces former official acts, in
this unheard-of manner. I am sorry it is my duty to say, that the
honorable member is entirely out of order."
"But, sir, the Sacred National--"
"Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt--but in a sense different from what you
imagine--much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are
the works of the commentators, the books of constructions, and
specially the writings of various foreign and perfectly
disinterested statesmen--need I name Ekrub in particular!--that are
at the command of members; but so long as I am honored with a seat
in this chair, I shall peremptorily decide against all
personalities."
I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be
refused never crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp
struggle on its construction. The constitution only required that no
law should be passed declaring black to be white, whereas the
resolution merely ordered that henceforth white should be black.
Here was matter for discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the
result; but to be thus knocked on the head by a club, in the outset,
was too much for the modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in
confusion; and I plainly saw that the Perpendiculars, by their
sneers, now expected to carry everything triumphantly their own way.
This, most probably, would have been the case, had not one of the
Tangents immediately got the floor, to move the amendment. To the
vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in some degree, to my own
mortification, this duty was intrusted to the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr.
Smut commenced with entreating members not to be led away by the
sophistry of the first speaker. That honorable member, no doubt,
felt himself called upon to defend the position taken by his
friends; but those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to
know him, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least,
undergone a sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member
denied the existence of color at all! He would ask that honorable
member if he had never been instrumental himself in producing what
is generally called "black and blue color"? He should like to know
if that honorable member placed as little value, at present, on
blows as he now seemed to set on words. He begged pardon of the
house--but this was a matter of great interest to himself--he knew
that there never had been a greater manufacturer of "black and blue
color" than that honorable member, and he wondered at his now so
pertinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at his wish to
underrate their value. For his part, he trusted he understood the
importance of words, and the value of hues; and while he did not
exactly see the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some
gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any means prepared to
go as far as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not
believe that public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that
black was black, but he thought it was not yet disposed to affirm
that black was white. He did not say that such a day might not
arrive; he only maintained that it had not yet arrived, and with a
view to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he
should move, by way of amendment, to strike out the whole of the
resolution after the word "really," and insert that which would
cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.:
"Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be
black, is really lead-color."
Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to
its own ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing
that if they got half-way this session, they might effect the rest
of their object the next, determined to accept the compromise; and
the resolution, amended, passed by a handsome majority. So this
important point was finally decided for the moment, leaving great
hopes among the Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizontals
even flatter on their backs than they were just then.
The next question that presented itself was of far less interest,
exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will be
necessary to refer a little to history. The government of
Leapthrough had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred
and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burned on the high seas, or
otherwise destroyed. The pretence was, that they incommoded
Leapthrough. Leaplow was much too great a nation to submit to so
heinous an outrage, while, at the same time, she was much too
magnanimous and wise a nation to resent it in an every-day and
vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a passion and loading her
cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason. After
reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or until
all the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no longer
be benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her
pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an
honorary sense, and to compromise the affair by accepting a certain
insignificant sum of money as a salve to the whole wrong.
Leapthrough conditioned to pay this money, in the most solemn and
satisfactory manner; and everybody was delighted with the amicable
termination of a very vexatious and a seemingly interminable
discussion. Leapthrough was quite as glad to get rid of the matter
as Leaplow, and very naturally, under all the circumstances, thought
the whole thing at length done with, when she conditioned to pay the
money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most unfortunately, however, had
a "will of iron," or, in other words, he thought the money ought to
be paid as well as conditioned to be paid. This despotic
construction of the bargain had given rise to unheard-of
dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed might have been expected;
but it was, oddly enough, condemned with some heat even in Leaplow
itself, where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious
logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain to pay money,
was to make a new one for a less sum whenever the amount fell due; a
plan that, with a proper moderation and patience would be certain,
in time, to extinguish the whole debt.
Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, and
it was now about to be presented to the house under four different
categories. Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and
precision. It proposed merely that Leaplow should pay the money
itself, and take up the bond, using its own funds. Category No. 2,
embraced a recommendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay
itself, using, however, certain funds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3
was a proposal to offer ten millions to Leapthrough to say no more
about the transaction at all. Category No. 4, was to commence the
negotiating or abating system mentioned, without delay, in order to
extinguish the claim by instalments as soon as possible.
The question came up on the consideration of the different projects
connected with these four leading principles. My limits will not
admit of a detailed history of the debate. All I can do, is merely
to give an outline of the logic that these various propositions set
in motion, of the legislative ingenuity of which they were the
parents, and of the multitude of legitimate conclusions that so
naturally followed.
In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its
leading idea, the affair would be altogether in our own hands, and
might consequently be settled with greater attention to purely
Leaplow interests; that further delay could only proceed from our
own negligence; that no other project was so likely to get rid of
this protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the
debt with the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its
amount in the good legal currency of the republic; that it would be
singularly economical, as the agent who paid might also be
authorized to receive, whereby there would be a saving in salary;
and, finally, that under this category, the whole affair might be
brought within the limits of a nutshell, and the compass of any
one's understanding.
In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal
sophisms, which savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were
presented. It was pretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond
was in equity bound to pay it; that, if he refused, the other party
had the natural and legal remedy of compulsion; that it might not
always be convenient for a creditor to pay all the obligations of
other people which he might happen to hold; that if his transactions
were extensive, money might be wanting to carry out such a
principle; and that, as a precedent, it would comport much more with
Leaplow prudence and discretion to maintain the old and tried
notions of probity and justice, than to enter on the unknown ocean
of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions, by
admitting which, we could never know when we were fairly out of
debt.
Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic,
which appeared to have great favor with that class of the members
who were of the more refined school of ethics. These orators
referred the whole matter to a sentiment of honor. They commenced by
drawing vivid pictures of the outrages in which the original wrongs
had been committed. They spoke of ruined families, plundered
mariners, and blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical
calculations to show that just forty times as much wrong had, in
fact, been done, as this bond assumed; and that, as the case
actually stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receive exactly
forty times the amount of the money that was actually included in
the instrument. Turning from these interesting details, they next
presented the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking the
Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow rights, had made it principally a
question of honor, and, in disposing of it, the principle of honor
ought never to be lost sight of. It was honorable to PAY ones'
debts--this no one could dispute but it was not so clear, by any
means, that there was any honor in RECEIVING ones' dues. The
national honor was concerned; and they called on members, as they
cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward and sustain it by
their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had the best of it. In
compounding with her creditor, as had been done in the treaty,
Leapthrough lost some honor--in refusing to pay the bond, she lost
still more; and now, if we should send her the ten millions
proposed, and she should have the weakness to accept it, we should
fairly get our foot upon her neck, and she could never look us in
the face again!
The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political
economy his chief study. This person presented the following case:--
According to his calculations, the wrong had been committed
precisely sixty-three years, and twenty-six days, and two-thirds of
a day ago. For the whole of that long period Leaplow had been
troubled with this vexatious question, which had hung like a cloud
over the otherwise unimpaired brightness of her political landscape.
It was time to get rid of it. The sum stipulated was just twenty-
five millions, to be paid in twenty-five annual instalments, of a
million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the instalments to one-half
the number, but in no way to change the sum. That point ought to be
considered as irrevocably settled. This would diminish the debt one-
half. Before the first instalment should become due he would effect
a postponement, by diminishing the instalments again to six,
referring the time to the latest periods named in the last treaty,
and always most sacredly keeping the sums precisely the same. It
would be impossible to touch the sums, which, he repeated, ought to
be considered as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven
years, a new arrangement might reduce the instalments to two, or
even to one--always respecting the sum; and finally, at the proper
moment, a treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be
no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an
instalment, Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below
one million. The result would be that in about five-and-twenty years
the country would be fairly rid of the matter, and the national
character, which it was agreed on all hands was even now as high as
it well could be, would probably be raised many degrees higher. The
negotiations had commenced in a spirit of compromise; and our
character for consistency required that this spirit of compromise
should continue to govern our conduct as long as a single farthing
remained unpaid.
This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed by
a handsome majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by an
orator of singularly pathetic powers.
The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said that
each and every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was a
chivalrous and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present
aspect of things. Should we presume to take up the bond, using our
own funds, it would mortally offend her pride, and she would fight
us; did we presume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would
offend her financial system, and she would fight us; did we presume
to offer her ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would
offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from
her rights, and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the
system of new negotiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by
intimating that she would not respect her old negotiations, and she
would fight us. He saw war in all four of the categories. He was for
a peace category, and he thought he held in his hand a proposition,
that by proper management, using the most tender delicacy, and
otherwise respecting the sensibilities of the high and honorable
nation in question, we might possibly get out of this embarrassing
dilemma without actually coming to blows--he said to blows, for he
wished to impress on honorable members the penalties of war. He
invited gentlemen to recollect that a conflict between two great
nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough were a little nation,
it would be a different matter, and the contest might be conducted
in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with all we did with
great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He would tell them.
Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering
monikinity to shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its
religious, its pecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties.
He described war to be the demon state of the monikin mind; as
opposed to worship, to charity, brotherly love, and all the virtues.
On its pecuniary penalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet.
Buttons which cost sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would
shortly cost sevenpence a gross.--Here he was reminded that monikins
no longer wore buttons.--No matter, they bought and sold buttons,
and the effects on trade were just the same. The political penalties
of war he fairly showed to be frightful; but when he came to speak
of the domestic penalties, there was not a dry eye in the house.
Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I was in an agony lest he should
be called to order.
"Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as it has been in the
whirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the
hero of his country, the husband of her virgin affections. In vain
the orphan at her side turns its tearful eye upwards, and asks for
the plumes that so lately pleased its infant fancy; in vain its
gentle voice inquires when he is to return, when he is to gladden
their hearts with his presence--" But I can write no more. Sobs
interrupted the speaker, and he took his seat in an ecstasy of
godliness and benevolence.
I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me
to this just monikin without a moment's delay. I felt as if I could
take him to my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a
spirit so benevolent. The brigadier was too much agitated, at first,
to attend to me; but, after wiping his eyes at least a hundred
times, he finally succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked
upwards with a bland smile.
"Is he not a wonderful monikin?"
"Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!--Such a
monikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species."
"Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing
excites our zeal like the principles of the class of which he is a
member!"
"How! Have you more than one class of the humane?"
"Certainly--the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative."
"I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dear
brigadier."
"The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the natural
impulses. The Representative is a more intellectual division, that
feels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympathies
are excited by positive interests, like the last speaker. This
person has lately bought a farm by the acre, which he is about to
sell, in village lots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole
thing in the head. It is this which stimulates his benevolence in so
lively a manner."
"Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system-
-"
I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. The
vote on the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read
as follows:--
"Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and
character of Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of
so petty a consideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two
countries."
"Unanimity--unanimity!" was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity there
was; and then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging
each other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable and
ingenious manner in which it had got rid of this embarrassing and
impertinent question.