SOME EXPLANATIONS--A HUMAN APPETITE--A DINNER AND A BONNE BOUCHE.
The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss the general
bearings of this unexpected event.
"Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir," I remarked, "reduces
the Leaplow political morality very much, after all, to the level of
the social-stake system of our part of the world."
"They both depend on the crutch of personal Interests, it is true;
though there is, between them, the difference of the interests of a
part and of the interests of the whole."
"And could a part act less commendably than the whole appear to have
acted in this instance?"
"You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a moral
eclipse. I shall not say that these eclipses do not occur often, but
they occur quite as frequently in other parts of the region, as they
occur here. We have three great modes of controlling monikin
affairs, viz., the one, the few, and the many--"
"Precisely the same classification exists among men!" I interrupted.
"Some of our improvements are reflected backward; twilight following
as well as preceding the passage of the sun," quite coolly returned
the brigadier. "We think that the many come nearest to balancing the
evil, although we are far from believing even them to be immaculate.
Admitting that the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three
systems (which we do not, however, for we think our own has the
least), it is contended that the many escape one great source of
oppression and injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which
physical weakness is compelled to make, in order to protect itself
against physical strength."
"This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, sir, who
usually maintain that the tyranny of the many is the worst sort of
all tyrannies."
"This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has not been
permitted to draw his own picture. As cruelty is commonly the
concomitant of cowardice, so is oppression nine times out of ten the
result of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the many,
while it is not natural for the many to dread the few. Then, under
institutions in which the many rule, certain great principles that
are founded on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly
recognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less,
influence the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a few
requires that these same truths should be either mystified or
entirely smothered: and the consequence is injustice."
"But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards the few and
the many, you must yourself allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow
itself, monikins consult their own interests; and this, after all,
is acting on the fundamental principle of the great European social-
stake system."
"Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the test of
political power. By the sad confusion which exists among us, at this
moment, Sir John, you must perceive that we are not exactly under
the most salutary of all possible influences. I take it that the
great desideratum of society is to be governed by certain great
moral truths. The inferences and corollaries of these truths are
principles, which come of heaven. Now, agreeably to the monikin
dogmas, the love of money is 'of the earth, earthy'; and, at the
first blush, it would not seem to be quite safe to receive such an
inducement as the governing motive of one monikin, and, by a pretty
fair induction, it would seem to be equally unwise to admit it for a
good many. You will remember, also, that when none but the rich have
authority, they control not only their own property, but that of
others who have less. Your principle supposes, that in taking care
of his own, the elector of wealth must take care of what belongs to
the rest of the community; but our experience shows that a monikin
can be particularly careful of himself, and singularly negligent of
his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that money is a bad foundation
for power."
"You unsettle everything, brigadier, without finding a substitute."
"Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything and very difficult
to find substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely
doubt the wisdom of setting up a qualification that we all know
depends on an unsound principle. I much fear, Sir John, that, so
long as monikins are monikins, we shall never be quite perfect; and
as to your social-stake system, I am of opinion that as society is
composed of all, it may be well to hear what all have to say about
its management."
"Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not to be trusted
even with the management of their own concerns."
"Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or other
monikins, will lose sight of their own interests on this account, if
vested with the right to act as their substitutes. You have been
long enough a legislator, now, to have got some idea how difficult
it is to make even a direct and responsible representative respect
entirely the interests and wishes of his constituents; and the fact
will show you how little he will be likely to think of others, who
believes that he acts as their master and not as their servant."
"The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little faith in
monikin disinterestedness, in any shape; that you believe he who is
intrusted with power will abuse it; and therefore, you choose to
divide the trust, in order to divide the abuses; that the love of
money is an 'earthy' quality, and not to be confided in as the
controlling power of a state; and, finally, that the social-stake
system is radically wrong, inasmuch as it is no more than carrying
out a principle that is in itself defective."
My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter there. I
wished him a good morning, and walked upstairs in quest of Noah,
whose carnivorous looks had given me considerable uneasiness. The
captain was out; and, after searching for him in the streets for an
hour or two, I returned to our abode fatigued and hungry.
At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge People's Friend,
shorn and dejected, and I stopped to say a kind word, before going
up the ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman, whom one
had met in good society and in better fortunes, with every hair
shaved from his body, his apology for a tail still sore from its
recent amputation, and his entire mien expressive of republican
humility, without a desire to condole with him. I expressed my
regrets, therefore, as succinctly as possible, encouraging him with
the hope of seeing a new covering of down before long, but
delicately abstaining from any allusion to the cauda, whose loss I
knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise, however, the judge
answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment, every appearance of
self-abasement and mortification.
"How is this?" I cried; "you are not then miserable?"
"Very far from it, Sir John--I never was in better spirits, or had
better prospects, in my life."
I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the brigadier had
saved Noah's head, and was fully resolved not to be astonished at
any manifestation of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear
demanding an explanation.
"Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find a politician, who is
apparently in the depths of despair, really on the eve of a glorious
preferment. Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, humility
is everything. The monikin who will take care and repeat
sufficiently often that he is just the poorest devil going, that he
is absolutely unfit for even the meanest employment in the land, and
in other respects ought to be hooted out of society, may very safely
consider himself in a fair way to be elevated to some of the
dignities he declares himself the least fitted to fill."
"In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to make his
choice, and denounce himself loudest touching his especial
disqualifications for that very station?"
"You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you would only consent
to remain among us!" said the judge, winking.
"I begin to see into your management--after all, you are neither
miserable nor ashamed?"
"Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins
of my calibre to seem to be anything than to be it. My fellow-
citizens are usually satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now
principle is eclipsed, nothing is easier."
"But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising dexterity
and agility should be caught tripping? I had thought you
particularly expert, and infallible in all the gyrations. Perhaps
the little affair of the cauda has leaked out?"
The judge laughed in my face.
"I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. Here have we
proscribed caudae, as anti-republican, both public opinions setting
their faces against them; and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a
mile long with impunity if he will just submit to a new dock when he
comes home, and swear that he is the most miserable wretch going. If
he can throw in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow cats and
dogs--Lord bless you, sir! they would pardon treason!"
"I begin to comprehend your policy, judge, if not your polity.
Leaplow being a popular government, it becomes necessary that its
public agents should be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally
delight in their own excellences, nothing so disposes them to give
credit to another, as his professions that he is worse than
themselves."
The judge nodded and grinned.
"But another word, dear sir--as you feel yourself constrained to
commend the cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you belong to that school
of philocats, who take their revenge for their amenity to the
quadrupeds, by berating their fellow-creatures?"
The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded a thief-
taker. Then earnestly imploring me to respect his situation, he
added in a whisper, that the subject of the people was sacred with
him, that he rarely spoke of them without a reverence, and that his
favorable sentiments in relation to the cats and dogs were not
dependent on any particular merits of the animals themselves, but
merely because they were the people's cats and dogs. Fearful that I
might say something still more disagreeable, the judge hastened to
take his leave, and I never saw him afterward. I make no doubt,
however, that in good time his hair grew as he grew again into
favor, and that he found the means to exhibit the proper length of
tail on all suitable occasions.
A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On approaching it, a
colleague who was there was kind enough to explain its cause.
It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling in
Leaplow; and, not satisfied with this liberty, they had actually
written books concerning things that they had seen, and things that
they had not seen. As respects the latter, neither of the public
opinions was very sensitive, although many of them reflected on the
Great National Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but as
respects the former, there was a very lively excitement. These
writers had the audacity to say that the Leaplowers had cut off all
their caudae, and the whole community was convulsed at an outrage so
unprecedented. It was one thing to take such a step, and another to
have it proclaimed to the world in books. If the Leaplowers had no
tails, it was clearly their own fault. Nature had formed them with
tails. They had bobbed themselves on a republican principle; and no
one's principles ought to be thrown into his face, in this rude
manner, more especially during a moral eclipse.
The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened vengeance;
caricaturists were put in requisition; some grinned, some menaced,
some swore, and all read!
I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, pondering
on this singular state of society, in which a peculiarity that had
been deliberately and publicly adopted, should give rise to a
sensitiveness of a character so unusual. I very well knew that men
are commonly more ashamed of natural imperfections than those which,
in a great measure, depend on themselves; but then men are, in their
own estimation at least, placed by nature at the head of creation,
and in that capacity it is reasonable to suppose they will be
jealous of their natural privileges. The present case was rather
Leaplow than generic; and I could only account for it, by supposing
that nature had placed certain nerves in the wrong part of the
Leaplow anatomy.
On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat saluted my
nostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactory
nerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric
juices of the stomach. In plain English, I had very sensible
evidence that it was not enough to transport a man to the monikin
region, send him to parliament, and keep him on nuts for a week, to
render him exclusively ethereal, I found it was vain "to kick
against the pricks." The odor of roasted meat was stronger than all
the facts just named, and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and
surrender to the belly. I descended incontinently to the kitchen,
guided by a sense no more spiritual than that which directs the
hound in the chase.
On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious perfume
greeted the nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at the murmur
of a waterfall, and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so
lately acquired, I was guilty of the particular human weakness which
is usually described as having the "mouth water."
The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbearance, and was
enjoying himself in a peculiarly human manner. A dish of roasted
meat was lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he turned
them from me to the viand, in a way to render it a little doubtful
whether I was a welcome visitor. But that honest old principle of
seamen which never refuses to share equally with an ancient mess-
mate, got the better even of his voracity.
"Sit down, Sir John," the captain cried, without ceasing to
masticate, "and make no bones of it. To own the fact, the latter are
almost as good as the flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!"
I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be sure; and
in less than ten minutes the dish was as clear as a table that had
been swept by harpies. As this work is intended for one in which
truth is rigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not remember any
cultivation of sentiment which gave me half so much satisfaction as
that short and hurried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to
the very beau ideal of a dinner! Its fault was in the quantity, and
not in quality.
I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a
face that seemed looking at me with melancholy reproach. The truth
flashed upon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing upon Noah
like a tiger, I seized him by the throat, and cried, in a voice of
despair:
"Cannibal! what hast thou done?"
"Loosen your grip, Sir John--we do not relish these hugs at
Stunin'tun."
"Wretch! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime! We have
eaten Brigadier Downright."
"Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel."
"Monster! give up thy unholy repast--dost not see a million
reproaches in the eyes of the innocent victim of thy insatiable
appetites?"
"Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care not if I
have swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow--off hands!"
"Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!"
Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by the throat, on the
retaliating principle, I soon had some such sensations as one would
be apt to feel if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to
describe very minutely the miracle that followed. Hanging ought to
be an effectual remedy for many delusions; for, in my case, the
bowstring I was under certainly did wonders in a very short time.
Gradually the whole scene changed. First came a mist, then a
vertigo; and finally, as the captain relaxed his hold, objects
appeared in new forms, and instead of being in our lodgings in
Bivouac, I found myself in my old apartment in the Rue de Rivoli,
Paris.
"King!" exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in the face with
exertion; "this is no boy's play, and if it's to be repeated, I
shall use a lashing! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a man had
eaten a monkey?"
Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had left it the
morning we started for London, on our way to Leaphigh, was there. A
table, in the centre of the room, was covered with sheets of paper
closely written over, which, on examination, I found contained this
manuscript as far as the last chapter. Both the captain and myself
were attired as usual; I a la Parisien and he a la Stunin'tun. A
small ship, very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, lay
on the floor, with "Walrus" written on her stern. As my bewildered
eye caught a glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, having
nothing to do except to look after my welfare (a polite way of
characterizing his ward over my person, as I afterward found), he
had employed his leisure in constructing the toy.
All was inexplicable. There was really the smell of meat. I had also
that peculiar sensation of fulness which is apt to succeed a dinner,
and a dish well filled with bones was in plain view. I took up one
of the latter, in order to ascertain its genus. The captain kindly
informed me that it was the remains of a pig, which had cost him a
great deal of trouble to obtain, as the French viewed the act of
eating a pig as very little less heinous than the act of eating a
child. Suspicions began to trouble me, and I now turned to look for
the head and reproachful eye of the brigadier.
The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over the top
of a trunk; but it was so far raised as to enable me to see that it
was still planted on its shoulders. A second look enabled me to
distinguish the meditative, philosophical countenance of Dr.
Reasono, who was still in the hussar-jacket and petticoat, though,
being in the house, he had very properly laid aside the Spanish hat
with bedraggled feathers.
A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried conversation,
in a low, earnest tone, succeeded. The captain disappeared, and
joined the speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch any of
the intonations of a dialect founded on the decimal principle.
Presently the door opened, and Dr. Etherington stood before me!
The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears filled his
eyes, and, stretching out both hands towards me, he asked:
"Do you know me, Jack?"
"Know you, dear sir!--Why should I not?"
"And do you forgive me, dear boy?"
"For what, sir?--I am sure, I have most reason to demand your pardon
for a thousand follies."
"Ah! the letter--the unkind--the inconsiderate letter!"
"I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth; the last
was anything but unkind."
"Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation."
I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth.
"Anna?"
"Is here--in Paris--and miserable--most miserable!--on your
account."
Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system instantly
gave way to a flood of human sensations.
"Let me fly to her, dear sir--a moment is an age!"
"Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each other, nor is she
in this hotel. To-morrow, when both are better prepared, you shall
meet."
"Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a lamb."
"Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say."
I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious relief from a
most oppressive burden of sensations, in a flow of tears,
Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. In the
course of the day, many matters were discussed and settled. I was
told that Captain Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing
fashion; and that the least I could do was to send him back to
Stunin'tun, free of cost. This was agreed to, and the worthy but
dogmatical mariner was promised the means of fitting out a new
"Debby and Dolly."
"These philosophers had better be presented to some academy,"
observed the doctor, smiling, as he pointed to the family of amiable
strangers, "being already F. U. D. G. E.'s and H. O. A. X.'s. Mr.
Reasono, in particular, is unfit for ordinary society."
"Do with them as you please, my more than father. Let the poor
animals, however, be kept from physical suffering."
"Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical and
moral."
"And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory?"
"The day after to-morrow, if you have strength."
"And to-morrow?"
"Anna will see you."
"And the next day?"
"Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment we think you perfectly
restored, she shall share your fortunes for the remainder of your
common probation."