AND first, let us speak to the young husband, in the words of theauthor of that excellent little volume, "A Whisper to aNewly-Married Pair."
'Earnestly endeavour to obtain among your acquaintance the characterof a good husband; and abhor that would-be wit, which I havesometimes seen practised among men of the world--a kind of coarsejesting on the bondage of the married state, and a laugh at theshackles which a wife imposes. On the contrary, be it your prideto exhibit to the world that sight on which the wise man passes suchan encomium: Beautiful before God and men are a man and his wifethat agree together. (Ecclus. xxv, 10)
Make it an established rule to consult your wife on all occasions.Your interest is hers: and undertake no plan contrary to heradvice and approbation. Independent of better motives, what aresponsibility does it free you from! for, if the affair turn outill, you are spared reproaches both from her and from your ownfeelings. But the fact is, she who ought to have most influence onher husband's mind, is often precisely the person who has least; anda man will frequently take the advice of a stranger who cares notfor him nor his interest, in preference to the cordial and sensibleopinion of his wife. A due consideration of the domestic evils sucha line of conduct is calculated to produce, might, one would think,of itself be sufficient to prevent its adoption; but, independent ofthese, policy should influence you; for there is in woman anintuitive quickness, a sagacity, a penetration, and a foresight intothe probable consequences of an event, that make her peculiarlycalculated to give her opinion and advice.--"If I was making up aplan of consequences," said the great Lord Bolingbroke, "I shouldlike first to consult with a sensible woman."
Have you any male acquaintance, whom, on reasonable grounds, yourwife wishes you to resign? Why should you hesitate? Of whatconsequence can be the civilities, or even the friendship, of anyone, compared with the wishes of her with whom you have to spendyour life--whose comfort you have sworn to attend to; and who has aright to demand, not only such a trifling compliance, but greatsacrifices, if necessary?
Never witness a tear from your wife with apathy or indifference.Words, looks, actions--all may be artificial; but a tear isunequivocal; it comes direct from the heart, and speaks at oncethe language of truth, nature, and sincerity! Be assured, when, yousee a tear on her cheek, her heart is touched; and do not, I againrepeat it, do not behold it with coldness or insensibility!
It is very unnecessary to say that contradiction is to be avoided atall times: but when in the presence of others, be most particularlywatchful. A look, or word, that perhaps, in reality, conveys noangry meaning, may at once lead people to think that their presencealone restrains the eruption of a discord, which probably has noexistence whatsoever.
Some men, who are married to women of inferior fortune or connexion,will frequently have the meanness to upbraid them with thedisparity. My good sir, allow me to ask what was your motive inmarrying? Was it to oblige or please your wife? No, truly; it wasto oblige and please yourself, your own dear self. Had she refusedto marry you, you would have been (in lover's phrase) a verymiserable man. Did you never tell her so? Therefore, really, insteadof upbraiding her, you should be very grateful to her for rescuingyou from such an unhappy fate.
It is particularly painful to a woman, whenever her husband isunkind enough to say a lessening or harsh word of any member of herfamily: invectives against herself are not half so wounding.
Should illness, or suffering of any kind, assail your wife, yourtenderness and attention are then peculiarly called for; and if shebe a woman of sensibility, believe me, a look of love, a word ofpity or sympathy, will, at times, have a better effect than theprescriptions of her physicians.
Perhaps some calamity, peculiarly her own, may befall her. She mayweep over the death of some dear relative or friend; or her spiritsand feelings may be affected by various circumstances. Remember thatyour sympathy, tenderness, and attention, on such occasions, areparticularly required.
A man would not, on any account, take up a whip, or a, stick, andbeat his wife; but he will, without remorse, use to her languagewhich strikes much deeper to her heart than the lash of any whip hecould make use of. "He would not, for the world," says an ingeniouswriter, "cut her with a knife, but he will, without the leasthesitation, cut her with his tongue."
I have known some unfeeling husbands, who have treated theirluckless wives with unvaried and unremitting unkindness, tillperhaps the arrival of their last illness, and who then became allassiduity and attention. Bat when that period approaches, theirremorse, like the remorse of a murderer, is felt too late; the dieis cast; and kindness or unkindness can be of little consequence tothe poor victim, who only waits to have her eyes closed in the longsleep of death!
Perhaps your wife may be destitute of youth and beauty, or othersuperficial attractions, which distinguish many of her sex: shouldthis be the case, remember many a plain face conceals a heart ofexquisite sensibility and merit; and her consciousness of the defectmakes her peculiarly awake to the slightest attention or inattentionfrom you: and just for a moment reflect--
"What is the blooming tincture of the skin, To peace of mind and harmony within? What the bright sparkling of the finest eye, To the soft soothing of a calm reply? Can loveliness of form, or look, or air, With loveliness of words or deeds compare? No: those at first the unwary heart may gain; But these, these only, can the heart retain."
Your wife, though a gentle, amiable creature, may be deficient in mentalendowments, and destitute of fancy or sentiment; and you, perhaps a manof taste and talents, are inclined to think lightly of her. This isunjust, unkind and unwise. It is not, believe me, the woman most giftedby nature, or most stored with literary knowledge, who always makes themost comfortable wife; by no, means: your gentle, amiable helpmate maycontribute much more to your happiness, more to the regularity, economy,and discipline of your houses and may make your children a much bettermother, than many a brilliant dame who could trace, with Moore, Scott,and Byron, every line on the map of taste and sentiment, and descant onthe merits and demerits of poetry, as if she had just arrived fresh fromthe neighbourhood of Parnassus.
Should your wife be a woman of sense, worth, and cultivation, yet notvery expert at cutting out a shirt, or making paste, pies, and puddings(though I would not by any means undervalue this necessary part offemale knowledge, or tolerate ignorance in my sex respecting them), yetpray, my good sir, do not, on this account only, show discontent andill-humour towards her. If she is qualified to be your bosom friend, toadvise, to comfort, and to soothe you;--if she can instruct yourchildren, enliven your fireside by her conversation, and receive andentertain your friends in a manner which pleases and gratifies you;--besatisfied: we cannot expect to meet in a wife, or indeed in any one,exactly all we could wish. "I can easily," says a sensible friend ofmine, "hire a woman to make my linen and dress my dinner, but I cannotso readily procure a friend and companion for myself, and apreceptress for my children." The remark was called forth by hismentioning that he had heard a gentleman, the day before, finding faultwith his wife, an amiable, sensible well-informed woman, because she wasnot clever at pies, puddings, and needle-work! On the other hand, shouldshe be sensible, affectionate, amiable, domestic, yet prevented bycircumstances in early life from obtaining much knowledge of books, ormental cultivation, do not therefore think lightly of her; stillremember she is your companion, the friend in whom you may confide atall times, and from whom you may obtain counsel and comfort.
Few women are insensible of tender treatment; and I believe the numberof those is small indeed who would not recompense it with the mostgrateful returns. They are naturally frank and affectionate; and, ingeneral, there is nothing but austerity of look and distance ofbehaviour, that can prevent those amiable qualities from being evincedon every occasion. There are, probably, but few men who have notexperienced, during the intervals of leisure and reflection, aconviction of this truth. In the hour of absence and of solitude, whohas not felt his heart cleaving to the wife of his bosom? who has notbeen, at some seasons; deeply impressed with a sense of her amiabledisposition and demeanour, of her unwearied endeavours to promote andperpetuate his happiness, and of its being his indispensable duty toshow, by the most unequivocal expressions of attachment and oftenderness, his full approbation of her assiduity and faithfulness? Butlives not he that has often returned to his habitation fully determinedto requite the kindness he has constantly experienced, yet,notwithstanding, has beheld the woman of his heart joyful at hisapproach without even attempting to execute his purpose?--who has stillwithheld the rewards of esteem and affection; and, from some motive, thecause of which I never could develop, shrunk from the task of duty, andrepressed those soft emotions which might have gladdened the breast ofher that was ever anxious to please, always prompt to anticipate hisdesires, and eager to contribute everything that affection couldsuggest, or diligence perform, in order to promote and perpetuate hisfelicity?
When absent, let your letters to your wife be warm and affectionate. Awoman's heart is peculiarly formed for tenderness; and every expressionof endearment from the man she loves is flattering and pleasing to her.With pride and pleasure does she dwell on each assurance of hisaffection: and, surely, it is a cold, unmanly thing to deprive hervirtuous heart of such a cheap and easy mode of gratifying it. But,really, a man should endeavour not only for an affectionate, but anagreeable manner of writing to his wife. I remember hearing a lady say,"When my husband writes to me, if he can at all glean out any littlepiece of good news, or pleasing intelligence, he is sure to mention it."Another lady used to remark, "My husband does not intend to give mepain, or to say anything unpleasant when he writes; and yet, I don'tknow how it is, but I never received a letter from him, that I did not,when I finished it, feel comfortless and dissatisfied."
I really think a husband, whenever he goes from home, should alwaysendeavour, if possible, to bring back some little present to his wife.If ever so trifling or valueless, still the attention gratifies her; andto call forth a smile of good-humour should be always a matter ofimportance.
Every one who knows anything of the human mind, agrees in acknowledgingthe power of trifles, in imparting either pain or pleasure. One of ourbest writers, speaking on this subject, introduces the following sweetlines:--
"Since trifles make the sum of human things, And half our misery from those trifles springs, O! let the ungentle spirit learn from thence, A small unkindness is a great offence. To give rich gifts perhaps we wish in vain, But all may shun the guilt of giving pain."
So much of happiness and comfort in the wedded life depends upon thewife, that we cannot too often nor too earnestly engage her thoughtson the subject of her duties. Duty, to some, is a cold, repulsiveword, but only in the discharge of duties that appertain to eachcondition in life, is happiness ever secured. From the "Whisper" wecopy again:--
'Endeavour to make your husband's habitation alluring and delightfulto him. Let it be to him a sanctuary to which his heart may alwaysturn from the ills and anxieties of life. Make it a repose from hiscares, a shelter from the world, a home not for his person only,but for his heart. He may meet with pleasure in other houses,but let him find happiness in his own. Should he be dejected,soothe him; should he be silent and thoughtful, or even peevish,make allowances for the defects of human nature, and, by yoursweetness, gentleness, and good humour, urge him continually tothink, though he may not say it, "This woman is indeed a comfortto me. I cannot but love her, and requite such gentleness andaffection as they deserve."
I know not two female attractions so captivating to men as delicacyand modesty. Let not the familiar intercourse which marriageproduces, banish such powerful charms. On the contrary, this veryfamiliarity should be your strongest incitement in endeavouring topreserve them; and, believe, me, the modesty so pleasing in thebride, may always, in a great degree, be supported by the wife.
"If possible, let your husband suppose you think him a goodhusband and it will be a strong stimulus to his being so. As long ashe thinks he possesses the character, he will take some pains todeserve it: but when he has once lost the name, he will be very aptto abandon the reality altogether. "I remember at one time beingacquainted with a lady who was married to a very worthy man.Attentive to all her comforts and wishes, he was just what the worldcalls a very good husband; and yet his manner to his wife was coldand comfortless, and he was constantly giving her heart, thoughnever her reason, cause to complain of him. But she was a woman ofexcellent sense, and never upbraided him. On the contrary, he hadevery cause for supposing she thought him the best husband in theworld; and the consequence was, that instead of the jarring anddiscord which would have been inevitably produced had she been inthe habit of finding fault with him, their lives passed on inuninterrupted peace.
I know not any attraction which renders a woman at all times soagreeable to her husband, as cheerfulness or good humour. Itpossesses the powers ascribed to magic: it gives charms where charmsare not; and imparts beauty to the plainest face. Men are naturallymore thoughtful and more difficult to amuse and please than women.Full of cares and business, what a relaxation to a man is thecheerful countenance and pleasant voice of the gentle mistress ofhis home! On the contrary, a gloomy, dissatisfied manner is a poisonof affection; and though a man may not seem to notice it, it ischilling and repulsive to his feelings, and he will be very apt toseek elsewhere for those smiles and that cheerfulness which he findsnot in his own house.
In the article of dress, study your husband's taste, and endeavourto wear what he thinks becomes you best. The opinion of others onthis subject is of very little consequence, if he approves.
Make yourself as useful to him as you can, and let him see youemployed as much as possible in economical avocations.
At dinner, endeavour to have his favourite dish dressed and servedup in the manner he likes best. In, observing such trifles as these,believe me, gentle lady, you study your own comfort just as much ashis.
Perhaps your husband may occasionally bring home an unexpected guestto dinner. This is not at all times convenient. But beware, gentlelady, beware of frowns. Your fare at dinner may be scanty, but makeup for the deficiency by smiles and good humour. It is an oldremark, "Cheerfulness in the host is always the surest and mostagreeable mode of welcome to the guest." Perhaps, too, unseasonablevisiters may intrude, or some one not particularly welcome may cometo spend a few days with you. Trifling as these circumstances maybe, they require a command of feeling and temper: but remember, asyou journey on, inclination must be continually sacrificed; andrecollect also, that the true spirit of hospitality lies (as anold writer remarks), not in giving great dinners and sumptuousentertainments, but in receiving with kindness and cheerfulnessthose who come to you, and those who want your assistance.
Endeavour to feel pleased with your husband's bachelor friends. Italways vexes and disappoints a man when his wife finds fault withhis favourites--the favourites and companions of his youth, andprobably those to whom he is bound not only by the ties offriendship, but by the cords of gratitude.
Encourage in your husband a desire for reading aloud at night. Whenthe window curtains are drawn, the candles lighted, and you are allseated after tea round the fire, how can his time be betteremployed? You have your work to occupy you: he has nothing to dobut to sit and to think; and perhaps to think too that this familyscene is extremely stupid. Give interest to the monotonous hour, byplacing in his hand some entertaining but useful work. The pleasurewhich you derive from it will encourage him to proceed; whileremarks on the pages will afford improving and animating topics forconversation.
Is he fond of music? When an appropriate moment occurs, sit downwith cheerfulness to your piano or harp; recollect the airs that arewont to please him most, and indulge him by playing those favouritetunes. Tell me, gentle lady, when was your time at thisaccomplishment so well devoted? While he was your lover, with whatreadiness, and in your very best manner, would you touch the chords;and on every occasion what pains did you take to captivate! And nowthat he is become your husband (me thinks at this moment I see ablush mantling in your cheek), now that he is your husband, haspleasing him become a matter of indifference to you?
Particularly shun what the world calls in ridicule, "Curtainlectures." When you both enter your room at night, and shut to yourdoor, endeavour to shut out at the same moment all discord andcontention, and look on your chamber as a retreat from the vexationsof the world, a shelter sacred to peace and affection.
I cannot say I much approve of man and wife at all times openingeach other's letters. There is more, I think, of vulgar familiarityin this than of delicacy or confidence. Besides, a sealed letter issacred; and every one likes to have the first reading of his or herown letters.
Perhaps your husband may be fond of absenting himself from home, andgiving to others that society which you have a right to expect:clubs, taverns, &c., &c., may be his favourite resort. In this caseit may perhaps be necessary to have recourse to mild reasoning; butnever--I again repeat--never to clamorous dispute. And the fonder heseems of quitting his home, the greater should be your effort tomake yourself and your fireside agreeable to him. This may appear adifficult task; but I recommend nothing that I have not myself seensuccessfully practised. I once knew a lady who particularly studiedher husband's character and disposition; and I have seen her, whenhe appeared sullen, fretful, and inclined to go out, invite afriend, or perhaps a few friends, to spend the evening, prepare forhim at dinner the dish she knew he liked best, and thus, by herkind, cheerful manner, make him forget the peevishness which hadtaken possession of him. Believe it from me, and let it take deeproot, gentle lady, in your mind, that a good-humoured deportment, acomfortable fireside, and a smiling countenance, will do moretowards keeping your husband at home than a week's logic on thesubject.
Is he fond of fishing, fowling, &c.? When those amusements do notinterfere with business or matters of consequence, what harm canresult from them? Strive then to enter into his feelings with regardto the pleasure which they seem to afford him, and endeavour to feelinterested in his harmless accounts and chat respecting them. Lethis favourite dog be your favourite also; and do not with a surlylook, as I have seen some wives put on, say, in his hearing, "ThatCato, or Rover, or Ranger, is the most troublesome dog and thegreatest pest in the world."
If the day he goes out on these rural expeditions be cold or wet, donot omit having his shirt and stockings aired for him at thefireside. Such little attentions never fail to please; and it iswell worth your while to obtain good humour by such easy efforts.
Should he be obliged to go to some distant place or foreign land, atonce and without indecision, if circumstances render it at allpracticable, let your determination be made in the beautiful andexpressive language of Scripture: Entreat me not to leave thee, norto return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I willgo; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be mypeople, and thy God my God. Where thou diest will I die, and therewill I be buried; the Lord do so to me, and more also, if aught butdeath part thee and me. (Ruth i. 16, 17.) If his lot becomfortless, why not lessen those discomforts by your society? andif pleasure and gayety await him, why leave him exposed to thetemptations which pleasure and gayety produce? A woman never appearsin so respectable a light, never to no much advantage, as when underthe protection of her husband.
Even occasional separations between man and wife I am no friend to,when they can be avoided. It is not to your advantage, believe me,gentle lady, to let him see how well he can do without you. You mayprobably say, "Absence is at times unavoidable." Granted: I onlycontend such intervals of absence should be short, and occur asseldom as possible.
Perhaps it may be your luckless lot to be united to an unkindhusband--a man who cares not whether he pleases or displeases,whether you are happy or unhappy. If this be the case, hard is yourfate, gentle lady, very hard! But the die is cast; and you mustcarefully remember that no neglect of duty on his part can give alegitimate sanction to a failure of duty on yours. The sacrednessof those ties which bind you as a wife remain equally strong andheavy, whatever be the conduct of your husband; and galling as thechain may be, you must only endeavour for resignation to bear it,till the Almighty, by lightening it, pleases to crown yourgentleness and efforts with success.
When at the Throne of Grace (I address you as a religious woman), befervent and persevering in your prayers for your husband; and byyour example endeavour to allure him to that heaven towards whichyou are yourself aspiring: that, if your husband obey not theword, as the sacred writer says, he may, without the word, be wonby the conversation (or conduct) of the wife.
Your husband, perhaps, may be addicted to gambling, horse-racing,drinking, &c. These are serious circumstances; and mildremonstrances must be occasionally used to oppose them; but do notlet your argument rise to loud or clamorous disputing. Manage youropponent like a skilful general, and constantly watching theappropriate moment for retreat. To convince without irritating,is one of the most difficult as well as most desirable points ofargument. Perhaps this may not be in your power: at all events, makethe attempt, first praying to God for direction, and then leaving tohim the result.
Or, gentle lady, you may, perhaps, be united to a man of a mostuncongenial mind, who, though a very good sort of husband, differsfrom you in every sentiment. What of this? You must only make thebest of it. Look around. Numbers have the same and infinitely worsecomplaints to make; and, truly, when we consider what real miserythere is in the world, it seems the height of folly fastidiously andfoolishly to refine away our happiness, by allowing such worthlesstrifles to interfere with our comfort.
There are very few husbands so bad as to be destitute of goodqualities, and probably, very decided ones. Let the wife search outand accustom herself to dwell on those good qualities, and let hertreat her own errors, not her husband's, with severity. I haveseldom known a dispute between man and wife in which faults on bothsides were not conspicuous; and really it is no wonder; for we areso quick-sighted to the imperfections of others, so blind andlenient to our own, that in cases of discord and contention, wethrow all the blame on the opposite party, and never think ofaccusing ourselves. In general, at least, this is the case.
I was lately acquainted with a lady, whose manner to her husbandoften attracted my admiration. Without appearing to do so, she wouldcontrive to lead to those subjects in which he appeared to mostadvantage. Whenever he spoke, she seemed to listen as if what he wassaying was of importance. And if at any time she differed from himin opinion, it was done so gently as scarcely to be perceived evenby himself. She was quite as well informed (perhaps more so) and assensible as himself, and yet she always appeared to think himsuperior in every point. On all occasions she would refer to him,asking his opinion, and appearing to receive information at the verymoment, perhaps, she was herself imparting it. The consequence was,there never was a happier couple, and I am certain he thought herthe most superior woman in the world.
I repeat, it is amazing how trifles--the most insignificanttrifles--even a word, even a look,--yes, truly, a look, aglance--completely possess the power, at times, of either pleasing,or displeasing. Let this sink deep into your mind: remember, that toendeavour to keep a husband in constant good humour is one of thefirst duties of a wife.
Perhaps, on some occasion or other, in the frolic of the moment,without in the least degree intending to annoy you, your husband maytoy, and laugh, and flirt, while in company, with some pretty girlpresent. This generally makes a wife look foolish; and it would beas well, nay, much better, if he did not do so. But let not a shadeof ill humour cross your brow, nor even by a glance give him or anyone present, reason to think his behaviour annoys you. Join in thelaugh and chat, and be not outdone in cheerfulness and good humourby any of the party. But remember, gentle lady, there must be noacting in this affair: the effort must extend to your mind aswell as your manner; and a, moment's reasoning on the subject willat once restore the banished sunshine. The incomparable Leightonsays, "The human heart is like a reservoir of clear water, at thebottom of which lies a portion of mud: stir the mud, and the watergets all sullied. In like manner does some strong passion or peevishfeeling rise in the heart, and stain and darken it as the mud doesthe water." But should there be a prospect of your husband oftenmeeting with this lady in question, endeavour at once to break offthe intimacy by bringing forward some pretext consistent with truth(for to truth everything must be sacrificed), such as, You do notlike her; The intimacy is not what you would wish, &c. Never,however, avow the real reason: it will only produce discord, andmake your husband think you prone to jealousy--a suspicion a womancannot too carefully guard against. And there is often in men anobstinacy which refuses to be conquered of all beings in the worldby a wife. A jealous wife (such is the erroneous opinion of theill-judging world) is generally considered a proper subject forridicule; and a woman ought assiduously to conceal from her husband,more than from any one else, any feeling of the kind. Besides, afterall, gentle lady, your suspicions may be totally groundless; andyou may possibly be tormenting yourself with a whole train ofimaginary evils. As you value your peace, then, keep from you, ifpossible, all such vexatious apprehensions, and remember, a man canvery ill bear the idea of being suspected of inconstancy even whenguilty; but when innocent, it is intolerable to him.'
Dr. Boardman, in his excellent "Hints on Domestic Happiness," hasuttered a timely warning against the depraving influence of Clubs,to which some young married men resort, to their own injury and thedestruction of domestic peace.
'I have to do, at present,' he says, 'with certain "avocations andhabits which contravene the true idea of home, and are prejudicialto domestic happiness." I have spoken at some length, in this view,of a life of fashionable dissipation, particularly in its influenceupon the female sex. The whole range of public amusements mightfairly be considered as within the sweep of my subject; but there isone topic which it will not do to pass by. Equal justice ought, in aseries of lectures like this, to be meted out to both sexes; and Ifeel bound to say a few words in respect to CLUBS.
One reason why I do this ha's been given. A second is, that in sofar as large cities are concerned, one can hardly sever the mentalassociation which links together Clubs and domestic happiness--orunhappiness. I bring against these institutions no wholesaledenunciation. I neither say nor believe that all who belong to themare men of profligate character. I cannot doubt that they compriseindividuals not only of high social standing, but of great personalworth. But in dealing with the institutions themselves, I must bepermitted to express the conviction that they are unfavourable tothe culture of the domestic affections, and hurtful to the moralsand manners of society. That this is the common opinion respectingthem is beyond a question. Of the respectable people who pass by anyfashionable Club-House in an evening, the thoughts of a very largeproportion are probably directed, for the moment, with the mostintensity, to the homes of its tenantry, with the feeling, "Thosewould be happier homes if this establishment were out of the way."
The mildest conception of these associations which any one caninsist upon, is that given by Mr. Addison, who says, "Our moderncelebrated Clubs are founded upon eating and drinking, which arepoints wherein most men agree, and in which the learned and theilliterate, the dull and the airy, the philosopher and the buffoon,can all of them bear a part." They must be greatly scandalized ifbilliards and cards do not enter as largely into the recreationsthey supply, as eating and drinking. There must be some potentattractions which can draw a set of gentlemen away from all otherscenes and engagements, domestic and social, moral and religious,literary and political, and hold them together to a late hour, formany nights in succession. If it is social reading, the authors theyread may well be flattered with the honours paid them. If it isconversation,
"The feast of reason and the flow of soul."
the talkers must have rare conversational powers. If it is politics,the country must have zealous patriots among her sons. If it isscience, no wonder that under the pressure of this prodigiousresearch, the lightning lends its wings to knowledge, that thesubjugated earth hastens to reveal its deep arcana to mortal eyes,and that planet after planet should come forth out of theunfathomable abyss of space, and submit to be measured, and weighed,and chronicled, as their older sisters have been. But this is goingtoo far even for the charity which "believeth all things." Those whohave never been initiated into the penetralia of theseinstitutions, know enough of them to be satisfied that they are notprecisely schools of science--or, if they are, that the sciencesthey exult in, are not those which soar towards heaven, but thosewhich have to do with the auriferous bowels of the earth, and thefull-fed cattle upon its surface.
To come more directly to the point, the allegation made againstthese Clubs--made in the name of ten thousand injured wives andmothers and children--is, that they become a sort of RIVAL HOME tothe home they occupy; that the influence they exert over theirmembers, loosens their domestic ties, indisposes them to theirdomestic duties, and not unfrequently seduces them into habits ofintemperance and gambling. The clients I represent in this argumentcontend that they are an unnecessary institution--that wheregentlemen wish to associate together for literary purposes, thereare always within their reach lyceums, athenaeums, libraries, andsocieties without number; and that as to a social relaxation, it canbe had without setting up a quasi-monastery. They urge with truththat any course of social amusements pursued systematically andearnestly by a combination of gentlemen, to the exclusion of ladies,will as really tend to impair, as the companionship of cultivatedwomen does to refine, the manners, and the sensibilities of theheart; that, as a matter of fact, those who become addicted to thesecoarser pleasures, lose their relish for the best female society;and that the old home sinks in their esteem, as the new one rises.These charges, which cannot be gainsayed, bear not only upon marriedmen, but young men; for the tastes and habits fostered by the Clubs,are precisely those which go to alienate them from the paternalroof, and to unfit them to become heads of families.
After noting down my own reflections on this subject, I met withsome observations upon it by an eminent female writer (the bestwriter, probably, that sex has produced), which one portion of myhearers, as least, will thank me for quoting: they are graphic,forcible, and suggestive: "The Clubs generate and cherish luxurioushabits, from their perfect ease, undress, liberty, and inattentionto the distinctions of rank; they promote a love of play, and, inshort, every temper and spirit which tends to undomesticate; andwhat adds to the mischief is, all this is attained at a cheap ratecompared with what may be procured at home in the same style. Ayoung man in such an artificial state of society, accustomed to thevoluptuous ease, refined luxuries, soft accommodations, obsequiousattendance, and all the unrestrained indulgences of a fashionableClub, is not to be expected after marriage to take very cordially toa home, unless very extraordinary exertions are made to amuse, toattach, and to interest him; and he is not likely to lend a helpinghand to the union, whose most laborious exertions have hitherto beenlittle more than a selfish stratagem to reconcile health withpleasure. Excess of gratification has only served to make himirritable and exacting; it will, of course, be no part of hisproject to make sacrifices--he will expect to receive them; and,what would appear incredible to the Paladins of gallant times, andthe Chevaliers Preux of more heroic days, even in the necessarybusiness of establishing himself for life, he sometimes is moredisposed to expect attentions than to make advances." "Theseindulgences, and this habit of mind, gratify so many passions, thata woman can never hope successfully to counteract the evil bysupplying at home, gratifications which are of the same kind, orwhich gratify the same habits. Now a passion for gratifying vanity,and a spirit of dissipation, is a passion of the same kind; and,therefore, though for a few weeks, a man who has chosen his wife inthe public haunts of fashion, and this wife a woman made up ofaccomplishments, may, from the novelty of the connexion and of thescene, continue domestic; yet, in a little time she will find thatthose passions to which she has trusted for making pleasant themarried life of her husband, will crave the still higher pleasuresof the Club; and while these are pursued, she will be consigned overto solitary evenings at home, or driven back to the olddissipations."
If there is any real foundation for these strictures, it cannotexcite your surprise that in vindicating the domestic constitution,these associations should be arraigned and condemned as tending tocounteract its beneficent operation. The Family is a divineordinance. It is God's institution for training men. It is vitallyconnected with the destinies of individuals and nations. Whateverinterferes, therefore, with its legitimate influence, must becriminal in God's sight, and a great social evil. On this ground,Clubs are to be reprobated. They are unfavourable to the domesticvirtues. They make no man a better husband or father, a better sonor brother. If some have mixed in them without being contaminated,this is more than can be said of all. They have inspired many a manwith a disrelish for his home; have made many a young wife water hercouch with tears; and kept many a widowed mother walking herparlours in lonely anguish till after midnight, awaiting the returnof her wayward son from the card-table. Does it become a community,who would guard their homes as they do their altars, because theyknow their altars will not long be worth guarding if their homes aredesecrated to encourage CLUBS?
The following should be read by every woman in the country, marriedor unmarried--yes, it should be committed to memory and repeatedthree times a day, for it contains more truth than many volumes thathave been written on the subject:--
'How often we hear a man say, I am going to California, Australia,or somewhere else. You ask him the reason of his going away, and theanswer is, in nine cases out of ten, I am not happy at home. I havebeen unfortunate in business, and I have made up my mind to try myluck in California. The world seems to go against me. While fortunefavoured me, there were those whom I thought to be my friends, butwhen the scale turned, they also turned the cold shoulder againstme. My wife, she that should have been the first to have stood byme, and encourage me, was first to point the finger of scorn andsay, "It is your own fault; why has this or that one been sofortunate? If you had attended to your business as they have, youwould not be where you are now." These and other like insinuations,often drive a man to find other society, other pleasures, inconsequence of being unhappy at home. He may have children that heloves, he cannot enjoy life with them as he would; he may love themas dearly as ever; yet home is made unpleasant in consequence ofthat cold indifference of the wife. Now, I would say to all suchwives, sisters, and in fact, all females, deal gently with him thatis in trouble; remember that he is very easily excited. A littleword, carelessly thrown out, may inflict a wound time never canheal. Then be cautious; a man is but human--therefore he is liableto err. If you see him going wrong, ever meet him with a smile, andwith the kiss of affection; show that you love him by repeated actsof kindness; let your friendship be unbounded; try to beguile hisunhappy hours in pleasant conversation. By so doing, you may saveyourself and children from an unhappy future.
When a man is in trouble, it is but a little word that may ruin him;it is but a little word that may save him.'
Marriage, says Jeremy Taylor, is the proper scene of piety andpatience; of the duty of parents and the charity of relations. Herekindness is spread abroad, and love is united and made firm as acentre. Marriage is the nursery of Heaven. The virgin sends prayersto God, but she carries but one soul to him; but the state ofmarriage fills up the numbers of the elect, and hath in it thelabour of love and the delicacies of friendship, the blessing ofsociety, and the union of hands and hearts. It hath in it less ofbeauty but more of safety than the single life; it hath more easebut less danger; it is more merry and more sad; it is fuller ofsorrows and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but issupported by all the strengths of love and charity, and thoseburdens are delightful. Marriage is the mother of the world, andpreserves kingdoms, and fills cities and churches, and Heavenitself. Celibole, like the fly in the heart of an apple, dwells inperpetual sweetness, but sits alone, and is confined and dies insingularity; but marriage, like the useful bee, builds a house, andgathers sweetness from every flower, and labours and unites intosocieties and republics, and sends out colonies, and feeds the worldwith delicacies, and obeys their king, and keeps order, andexercises many virtues, and promotes the interest of mankind, and isthat state of good things to which God hath designed the presentconstitution of the world.
The every-day married lady is the inventor of a thing which fewforeign nations have as yet adopted either in their houses orlanguages. This thing is "comfort." The word cannot well be defined;the items that enter into its composition being so numerous, that adescription would read like a catalogue. We all understand howeverwhat it means, although few of us are sensible of the source of theenjoyment. A widower has very little comfort, and a bachelor, noneat all--while a married man, provided his wife be an every-daymarried lady--enjoys it in perfection. But he enjoys itunconsciously, and therefore ungratefully; it is a thing ofcourse--a necessary, a right, of the want of which he complainswithout being distinctly sensible of its presence. Even when itacquires sufficient intensity to arrest his attention, when hisfeatures and his heart soften, and he looks round with a half smileon his face, and says, "This is comfort!" it never occurs to him toinquire where it all comes from. His every-day wife is sittingquietly in the corner; it was not she who lighted the fire, ordressed the dinner, or drew the curtains; and it never occurs to himto think that all these, and a hundred other circumstances of themoment, owe their virtue to her spiriting; and that the comfortwhich enriches the atmosphere, which sparkles in the embers, whichbroods in the shadowy parts of the room, which glows in his own fullheart, emanates from her, and encircles her like an aureola.
When once a woman is married, when once she has enlisted among thematrons of the land; let not her fancy dream of perpetualadmiration; let her not be sketching out endless mazes of pleasure.The mistress of a family has ceased to be a girl. She can nolonger be frivolous or childish with impunity. The angel ofcourtship has sunk into a woman; and that woman will be valuedprincipally as her fondness lies in retirement, and her pleasures inthe nursery of her children. And woe to the mother who is obliged toabandon her children during the greater part of the day tohirelings--no, not obliged; for there is no duty so imperious, nosocial convenience or fashionable custom so commanding, as to obligeher to such shameful neglect: for maternal care, let her remember,supercedes all other duties.
In the matrimonial character which you have now assumed, gentlelady, no longer let your fancy wander to scenes of pleasure ordissipation. Let home be now your empire, your world! Lethome be now the sole scene of your wishes, your thoughts, yourplans, your exertions. Let home be now the stage on which, in thevaried character of wife, of mother, and of mistress, you strive toact and shine with splendour. In its sober, quiet scenes, let yourheart cast its anchor, let your feelings and pursuits all becentred. And beyond the spreading oaks that shadow and shelter yourdwelling, let not your fancy wander. Leave to your husband todistinguish himself by his valour or his talents. Do you seek forfame at home; and let the applause of your God, of your husband,of your children, and your servants, weave for your brow anever-fading chaplet.
An ingenious writer says, "If a painter wished to draw the veryfinest object in the world, it would be the picture of a wife, witheyes expressing the serenity of her mind, and a countenance beamingwith benevolence; one hand lulling to rest on her bosom a lovelyinfant, the other employed in presenting a moral page to a secondsweet baby, who stands at her knee, listening to the words of truthand wisdom from its incomparable mother."
I am a peculiar friend to cheerfulness. Not that kind ofcheerfulness which the wise man calls the mirth of fools,--alwayslaughing and talking, exhausting itself in jests and puns, and thensinking into silence and gloom when the object that inspired it hasdisappeared. No--no! The cheerfulness I would recommend must belongto the heart, and be connected with the temper, and even with theprinciples. Addison says, "I cannot but look on a cheerful state ofmind as a constant, habitual gratitude to the great Author ofnature. An inward cheerfulness is an implicit praise andthanksgiving to Providence under all its dispensations: it is a kindof acquiescence in the state wherein we are placed, and a secretapproval of the Divine Will in his conduct towards us." I thinkthere is something very lovely in seeing a woman overcoming thoselittle domestic disquiets which every mistress of a family has tocontend with; sitting down to her breakfast-table in the morningwith a cheerful, smiling countenance, and endeavouring to promoteinnocent and pleasant conversation among her little circle. But vainwill be her amiable efforts at cheerfulness, if she be not assistedby her husband and the other members around; and truly it is anunpleasant sight to see at family when collected together, insteadof enlivening the quiet scene with a little good-humoured chat,sitting like so many statues, as if each was unworthy of theattention of the other. And then, when a stranger comes in, O dear!such smiles, and animation, and loquacity! "Let my lot be to pleaseat home," says the poet; and truly I cannot help feeling acontemptuous opinion of those persons, young or old, male or female,who lavish their good humour and pleasantry in company, and hoard upsullenness and silence for the sincere and loving group whichcompose their fireside.
They do not behold home with the same eyes as did the writer of thefollowing lines:--
"'Home's the resort of love, of joy, of peace;'' So says the bard, and so say truth and grace; Home is the scene where truth and candour move, The only scene of true and genuine love. 'To balls, and routs for fame let others roam, Be mine the happier lot to please at home.' Clear then the stage: no scenery we require, Save the snug circle round the parlour fire; And enter, marshall'd in procession fair, Each happier influence that governs there! First, Love, by Friendship mellow'd into bliss, Lights the warm glow, and sanctifies the kiss; When, fondly welcomed to the accustom'd seat, In sweet complacence wife and husband meet; Look mutual pleasure, mutual purpose share, Repose from labours to unite in care! Ambition! Does Ambition there reside? Yes: when the boy, in manly mood astride, With ruby lip and eyes of sweetest blue, And flaxen locks, and cheeks of rosy hue, (Of headstrong prowess innocently vain), Canters;--the jockey of his father's cane: While Emulation in the daughter's heart Bears a more mild, though not less powerful, part, With zeal to shine her little bosom warms, And in the romp the future housewife forms: Think how Joy animates, intense though meek, The fading roses on their grandame's cheek, When, proud the frolic children to survey, She feels and owns an interest in their play; Tells at each call the story ten times told, And forwards every wish their whims unfold."
"To be agreeable, and even entertaining, in our family circle," saysa celebrated writer, "is not only a positive duty, but an absolutemorality."
We cannot help quoting the following passage from Miss H. More, asan admirable illustration of true sweetness of temper, patience, andself-denial--qualities so essential in a wife and mistress of afamily:--"Remember, that life is not entirely made up of greatevils, or heavy trials, but that the perpetual recurrence of pettyevils and small trials is the ordinary and appointed exercise ofChristian graces. To bear with the feelings of those about us, withtheir infirmities, their bad judgments, their ill-breeding, theirperverse tempers--to endure neglect where we feel we have deservedattention, and ingratitude where we expected thanks--to bear withthe company of disagreeable people, whom Providence has placed inour way, and whom he has perhaps provided on purpose for the trialof our virtue--these are the best exercise; and the better becausenot chosen by ourselves. To bear with vexations in business, withdisappointments in our expectations, with interruptions in ourretirement, with folly, intrusion, disturbance, in short, withwhatever opposes our will and contradicts our humour--this habitualacquiescence appears to be the very essence of self-denial. Theseconstant, inevitable, but inferior evils, properly improved, furnisha good moral discipline, and might well, in the days of ignorance,have superseded pilgrimage and penance." Another remark of the sameauthor is also excellent: "To sustain a fit of sickness may exhibitas true a heroism as to lead an army. To bear a deep afflictionwell, calls for as high exertion of soul as to storm a town; and tomeet death with Christian resolution, is an act of courage in whichmany a woman has triumphed, and many a philosopher, and even somegenerals, have failed."